Happy new year.
2015 is up and wish to lead another diligent day.
Looking at the clock on the laptop's screen displaying January 1, 2015, I felt..this time of this day.. wouldn't come again. I'm having the first and the last Jan 1st of 2015. Treasure everyday like today.
Woke up in a cold silence again.. I hate this cold silence repeating every morning, as it makes meso hate to open my eyes and realize morning has come. I left the room after a short while and used the computer. There were news about yesterday's award presentation and all the new year feast. Read the sports news like any other days and had a breakfast. As mom was cleaning the room and I had nothing to do, I got over to the master room where my sister was, as soon as mom left that room. Mom told me as soon as I got there to clean myself before going there. She seemed to be fine already. I was glad. really glad. We watched TV and I heard sis and mom saying where to go. They were choosing which Sauna to go. I didn't even know we were going to sauna til then. I wasn't unhappy that they didn't discuss where to go with me. I was still glad that mom wasn't angry anymore. Being the usual us, although I'm confused, the usual us, is the broken apart one or the happy one, we went out the house with the latter one. Took a cab down to the sauna and it was the first day of 2015.
In Korean Sauna, there is a shower room and the sauna room. Sauna room is for all the male and female using the hall and entering the room they want and the shower room was separated between male and female. I was glad that I can have my own time without anybody's inspection. I bathed then I entered the spa. It was about 39 degree and it was comfortable. I began to think about my life. About the year 2014... Hoping that 2014 could be washed in this spa.
I met up sis and mom at the sauna hall and we began eating first as we were really hungry. We bought two cup noodles, two eggs, one drink and one chip. After having all of them, I left to enter the sauna room while mom and sis were sleeping at the hall. Having alone time again, was another embarkation of my thoughts' world. Thinking about life once again.... Another thought that I had to be clear was whether should I get the monthly regular membership for the Sauna that was near my house. It was 100000won and I didn't know whether should I get it. The sauna also had gym. Gym was the mainpurpose of getting it. I was hesitant to get it as there lacked the reasons for me to build my body. Me, building my body leads to merely one objective, football. I began going gym for the first time just to build my body suitable for football. That was the only reason I went to gym. Now, having to lost it.. I lost my goal... Is all on football.. If I am to play football further in SIM..I definitely should.. .But... whether is it the right time to playfootball.. It is a crucial time for me in Sg... Ha... I need to think further.
I left the room as mom called me out. Sis thought I was sleeping in the room and thought I will die and asked mom to bring me out. I was meditating not sleeping. When I got out, I began sleeping for about 1-2 hours and mom woke me up. Mom asked me to go to the sauna room again and we will leave the sauna. I went in to a hotter one which is about 77 degree. Being alone again, I began to deep in the thought. This thought..just suddenly came up to me.
"Pleasure is not all life has..." This came hard on me. This phrase..though coincidentally came up but was the real phrase I need. Having to spend the whole year having fun being in a relationship, and playing games... I only sought for pleasure in 2014... The few percents of diligence I had was all gone. All gone... Pleasure..is not all life has.
I left the Sauna and we took a cab down to our house area. Dad was home finally and we got out to have dinner outside. We went to the BBQ restaurant. As we were having the dinner... something reallly bad happened... Yesterday,, there was a huge quarrel between mom and I for her calling me that way all the time and looking down on me... I didn't think she will call me that way not anymore.. At least for me,.. that was the impression I got. It happened when mom asked me whether I would want to eat more.. Such a petty matter. I told her no and she just said in a joking way that I watch while the family eat more then. I told her I didn't mean that way and she called me.. a liar this time. She told me..not to hide myself. She told me to live like who I am. I didn't get why she is getting so serious at just this but ..having to have that fight the last night.. I really was disapointed.. I thought mom wouldn't do that again.. I bursted out again and talked to here in a flashed face. I rebutted to every single thing she said and told her to take her words back. She would never say sorry. The fight went far till the dinner became totally ugly. Dad suddenly left the restaurant and asked me out. He brought me to some other place and talked to me in a soft voice. He told me he understand what I'm going through and he also knows about mom's character..but for this time.. He told me I was too rushed... I didn' wanna say anything. I didn't want to rebut anything back. I just wanted to conform with dad... He asked me to apoligize mom and I nodded. We got back to the restaurant and mom was already very angry. Mom being a rush person like me, told dad that she want to leave the family. It is such a complicated situation...
Dad can't say anything except telling her not to... There is nothing ... he can do.. The dad's side's family had done such bad things .. a really bad things that is really bad until now. Dad knows it and he feels really sorry about it to mom.... Thus.. whenever this situation appears where mom wants to leave the family... Having to done so much to mom from dad's side's family.. there is no way dad can stop her.. Mom has all rights to leave... She'd been through too much .. I can admit that. Having an ugly dinner. we went home. Dad wanted me to give help.. He told me to talk to mom about it and say sorry while he is out to buy drinks for mom and him. He told me to be laughing and have fun like usual till he is back. It was totally impossiblefor this situation. I thought then, what I can do .. to help dad. I didn't have clear idea and just went into the room to talk. Mom, being a very stubborn person, she wouldn't listen at all. She only said she would bring my sis and go out. She wanted me to be grown up under dad. Although this is really a serious matter, it still didn't come to me hardly as she has said this so many times before...
Conversation didn't work out... I do not want to find who is it to blame for... Me.. being an ugly person. do not feel sorry to mom either. Just that... I hope nobody cares anymore. Hope... there is no conversation in this family. Hope... I can leave here.. Ha....
I'm still so immature and didn't learn anything..
Sorry, 2015..
Good night...
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