Midnight in Suwon - Epilogue

The 95days of my journey in Korea had ended...

A vibrant one.. that numerous things happened... caused me to learn... and leave memories.. at..

Putting behind all those memories...

Left the Incheon Airport on the 15th March.. 9:35 am.

Leaving.... seeing dad's face... the person who didn't say much but only held my hands and saying I should try my best...

Don't you forget that please... Youngsub..

Leaving to Singapore...

Unlike how anyone would guess about my feelings when I'm leaving for Singapore...

I didn't feel sad that I was leaving my hometown or excited about getting back to Singapore..

The only clear thought that came to me was that I was feeling like I was going back to my hometown...

Staying for 6years in here... thsi place... has somewhat become my 2nd hometown... a more familiar place to me...

Getting down from the long journey and reaching the Changi Airport at 6:30 pm local time... I was such lucky person to have friends gretting me... and shouting at me when I was far away from the gate taking out my luggage from the belts.

5 people.. Wee Chuan.. Jing Heng.. Zach.. Jeremiah.. and Rashvin... came out to airport to welcome me back... screaming and shouting  .. making noise like how they usually were..

It's pretty hmm... amazing...

that they love me..

I do not feel comfortable when I'm with them...like totally comfortable although I like them..

I can't be fully of myself... can't make jokes like how I usually do.. and couldn't say out my opinions propery...

they would indeed know about this too..

but it's just so weird... or amazing..

that they like me so much..

I'm so thankful for them..

They always come out or send me out to airport when I'm to leave far...

Always ask me when am I coming back.. and my whereabouts...

Asking me out for dinner and meet-ups so often...

I feel so thankful for them...

Treated them a meal at McDonalds as four fingers was full with people..

Zach wasn't happy about it so he didn't eat anything at Mc.

Took lots of photos with Rashvin's DSLR.

Got home.. taking cab.. and reached at my new place of stay...

Feeling... that I"m home...

Not because Iam at a house but... because of the air I breathe in.. and the surroundings I see at...

The 94 days of journey in Korea... that somewhat.. was a journey to prepare myself for now.... have gone..

Now I'm left with the new phase of my life in a University..

Hopefully and... I feel... that those 94days.. were a beautiful ones..

Although all past memories does..

Leaving some regreets.. like... how'd I wished.. I had treated mom better... missing mom and dad...

Orientation began.. and was busy finding houses and meeting up with friends...

Friends.. move on...in life.. like all people do.. and now like all of them do... I have the chance.. to finally walk a step.

Shall we... walk this step together? ... Youngsub?

Goodnight.....

Midnight in Suwon - Day 94 (Last Midnight...)

94th night today..

I mean...

The last night..

The very last night.. of this long journey of close to 100 days..

Came back here... under the depressed heart of failure..

Sorry to parents.. packed all my stuff... got back.. for a vacation that wasn't like a vacation..

Living in the intense tension... only having a lonely face..

finding a way out through leaving...and escaping home.. by resorting to libraries...

Worked.. part-time jobs.. to earn my own living..

Going through part-time jobs in Korea for the first time...

Got to learn to work like Koreans..

Left for a holiday to Busan.. meeting my old friend.. Jae Yeon... having a day out... meeting several people like Jun.. Hee Jin teacher..pastor.. Heo Chan teacher.. Sam..and Hyun Woo...

Time passed.. and I began to find a way out through exercise and part-time jobs..

Screamed in happiness for passing the job interview... got a regular work till end of Feb..

Used the money I earned to register myself for football coaching.... gymming.. and all the daily expenses..

Things were getting better ... living her was getting better....

which meant that I was living under less tension... and loosing myself out..

Got scolded and nagged often by mom about it..

Working in this Larva exhibition..

I actually got to experience a lot.. in all aspects..

Got to see all the people of my age.. and of my age groups.. went out with them for dinners.. made good friends with them..

And of course.. learned a lot by getting scolded big time... by the bosses... for I was so rude and clumsy..

Learned a lot... and thank for all the scoldings and all the people I've met there.

Work ended end Feb.. and the result of my SIM application came out.. and began preparing myself for the leave... Back To Singapore..

Had some errors on the way.. with parents and other stuffs..

But managed to settle all the matters before I am about to leave today..

Going out to the Seoul City Tour bus... thinking through my journey..

Realized.. and learned that .. I was such happy guy.. to learn the differenes from the Korean people who were just raised up in here.. learn the differences and see the differences in a delightful manner..

Thanks so much for people I've met.. in this place..

Learned to drink with people.. all the manners.. and my drinking capability extended too..by drinking often..

Nagged... for so often for meeitng friends... and for drinking too often..

but I guess... that's not what I am supposed to get mad about it but to believe that this is what I was supposed to go through..

Today... the last day in here..

wanted to end it... at the place I had started..

Packed my stuff.. and rushed to the library..

Printed out all the stuff.. prepared myself to be back in Sg..

and watched the movie 'Midnight in Paris'.. which was the motive of this blog's name.

Had to leave for Suwon MRT station to meet Jun for the last time..

Meeting him there... we bought chicken and beer to have them while watching the football match today..

It was between Suwon and Incheon

there were some star players to look at like Yeom Ki hoon.. Lee Chun Soo.. Kim In Sung and etc..

K-league being somewhat not that popular among the local fans.. the presence of the star players were the best catalysis to call up the fans.

When the match ended.. we took the bus back to Suwon station..

Talking to him..

I mean.. just being with him.. is just as pleasant..

We bid a farewell at the Suwon mrt station... and when he was leaving and facing front to the escalator.. realized that it was the last time... I am seeing him for the next two years...

Jun.. the friend that I had spent all life in there.. The best friend I can share all my problems...

Spending the weekends together at my house..

Cooking noodles together..

Sleeping together..and all..

My soulmate.. but as I do know that there are starts and ends to every meet-ups.... I'm alright..

Hope... I can last forever with this friend I have..

Got back home...

shopped some present for the people I was thankful of..

and got back home to leave for the family dinner..

My family was to meet grandparents and the 2nd eldest uncle. The uncle wanted to treat us the dinner before I had left...

Had a dinner and ate some fruits at grandpa's house..

Got back home.. packed all the luggages..

checked my phone and friends from the Tension group..those pegasus group.. Zach rash.. jingheng and few of them were coming to fetch me at the airport.. More like a gather-up in a long time..

I frankly am not so close to them.. But I do love them and appreciate them..

No matter how close we are or friendly we are to each other... they welcome me...

Thanks so much for having them.. Hope I can get closer with them in a soon time..

Surfing through and writing my last diary of this Korea journey...

Dad called me a while to give me a drink..

Dad talked about doing well but emphasized on treating the youngers or the lower people well..

and mom talked about me doing well in school most importantly.. holding my hands..

Cheers.. and bottomed up the cup..

And now.. I'm typing my last story of here..

All ready for leave...

Hope..

I am well prepared.

for Singapore..

be it.. materialistically..or mentally..

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 93

93rd night..

Counting on it..

the last day is coming..

two more days to go..

tomorrow will be the last day I'm spending a night in Korea..

Have a proper plan tomorrow... hope the busy schedule tomorrow goes well..

Got up in the morning around 8am in thoughts..

What type of hairstyle should I get... thinking and thinking..

As I had made reservation to the hairshop to get my hair done today.. I was choosing photos of celebrities to follow the hairstyle. And of course.. it included my favourite star Lee Jong suk.

Packed my bag and left for gym.. The atmosphere between mom and I were still as bad. Mom was angry for me buying too many clothes..  I guess... I was quite in an intense mode tooo.. as I was stressed too much from the countless decision making process I had to endure these few days for choosing clothes. Got down to the gym to actually bathe. When it was 10:15.. I left for the hair shop. Thought through what kind of hairstyle I wanted and explained to the barber. It was my favourite shop that I used to go in this area so I trusted them. But today... the auntie that used to cut my hair didn't cut for me. The new designer took in charge of me.. But still.. As she was the disciple of her.. I trusted my precious hair to her..

Showing all the photos that I had brought and consulting her about my hair.. Decided to get my perm.. really hard. Cos my hair that was permed strongly the last time.. It went back a few days later.. So I'd thought that I should get it done really hard this time so it won't go back so fast. I was pretty nervous to trust her with my hair.. seeing her dropping her equipments so often..  keep asking me whether should she cut more and all... and when all the liquor medicines dropped on my face..

Time passed fast.. and the perm was done... Washing my hair off.. saw myself on the mirror... to see a fool.. Sigh.

I looked one hell of a stupid. Wouldn't say so badly of myself but I looked like wearing a wig or sth... Really just looked like those Korean middle school kids who wanted to disobey..

Damnnnn..

That wasn't what I wanted.....

I couldn't show disappointments as she was proud of her work..

Paid my precious 68000 won... and left the shop.. I dropped by at the toilet to keep checking my hair... Ha...

I was confused of what to do .. .really.. Suddenly lost all my confidence and got down to the nearest mall..

There was one thing I had to buy..

Walking around... bought a jumper and watched a movie called, Whiplash..

it was quite sleepy towards the end.. that I woke up to realize that I fell asleep towards the end of the movie..

Quickly left the cinema to meet my cousin. The three of us .. the Lee family the cousins were supposed to meet on our own without the parents. It was the first time us meeting in this group as we always met with our parents. The 2nd oldest cousin left earlier as he had to go for an Emergency room. He is a nurse. We all expected things to be awkward between him and I. Only two of us. I only saw him in 7 years and having an age gap of  8 years... it was supposed to be awkward. we Didn't talk much when we were in a family gathering too. However.. things were different. There were times we had a silent moment but never awkward at all. He treated me a really nice meal.. Treating me ribs.. and only two of us ate and he had to pay like 170000 won... Wow... Really super expensive.. I asked whether he was okay and he said he was alright.

We dropped by at the nearby coffee shop to sip a coffee.. as we were talking.. we realized that there were some commonalities among us..which was football. Never knew he liked football.. As he was a genius who went to Seoul university and now working at the National Weapon Improvemnt institution some stuff..

The conversation flew real smooth after knowing each other's common interest..

We talked for long... and it was the closing time for the cafe that we began to leave each other.

It was pleasure seeing him.. and there are many I want to learn from him..

His pleasing atttitude..

I do not know why but whenever i drink.. I always think of calling Eun Sun..

And even today.. I plucked the courage to call her.. Didn't think much before calling and called her up. As usual. she was always delightful..

Talking to her... so pleasing... Even when I reached home.. I moved my bike back towards the other direction to talk with her longer..

I like her a lot..

Although I can't love her... we don't match .. and several things are different.. but I do like her as a friend.. A very nice friend... although it will be hard to draw the line between friends and further than that..

Got back home.. and it was the start of mom's nagging time. Nagged about my hair.. nagged that I hadn't packed my bag and all.. I should think that I will begin to miss all these... THen.. things would be better..

Tomorrow will be a library day... with meeting Jun at Suwon.

Thank God that I am given an opportunity to see him again..

Hope all things go well tomorrow

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 92

92nd night..

A bit rushing.. thanks to mom.

Gotta say thanks to mom.. not many days left..

Living so many days of blaming each other.. what have I left..

Although I do not like living under someone's pressure after living so free.. I guess. this is what life is supposed to be.. Getting scolded for getting home late from someone.. always get nagged for sth by mom... Guess this was what life has supposed to be...

Got up early in the morning .. to find out what I should do today.. I was supposed to meet my Musical teacher, her husband and my teacher Heo Chan at Myungdong to watch a show at 7pm but that left a big gap between the time I finished football and till the show time. I kept thinking what I should do.. and thought that I should go and take the Seoul city tour.

Got to the football center under mom's nag till the doorstep. She wasn't happy with all things I do.

Of course.. my mood wasn't good.. but what makes myself stronger was to withstand it.. Even knowing that... it was still hard getting things through.. Training achievements were not as successful although my body was light today. Had done a hard physical training... and did a while of individual work and bid a farewell to the coaches.. Hope I can fly in Singapore.. for the efforts I'd put in in there...

I first.. went to the bank to check my bank balance.. There was 360000 won left and I was pretty much surprised as I had thought that I had spent more than that..

Straight away..  I went to the nearest department store.. not for myself.. but to buy gift for mom and dad. Had a lunch at Popeyes to think what I would want to get for dad and mom. Thought that buying a belt for dad was the best choice. He always complained that he doens't have a belt during family occassion when he had to wear those suit. For mom... I remembered mom complaining she doesn't have enough underwears... Decided to buy that.. clapped for myself for a quick decision and left for shopping time. Each time I was purchasing.. they asked me who was it for and always praised me for being such a good son.. buying gifts for parents. . and doing so well in studies to get into a uni... My info is too shallow to know best of myself...

Left the mall after having a quick look on the jumpers I wanted to get.. Just checked out the price so I can consider it at home..

Leaving the place.. I got to the gym only to bathe. After a quick bathe.. I took on the train to Gwanghwamoon to take the Seoul City Tour Bus. It was an hour and a half bus journey. It didn't stop throughout and was just touring around those popular places in Seoul. All the famous places.. The first thought that came to me... was this.. That...

During this 3 months of staying in Korea.. though I deny... I have become somewhat different from the Korean people.. Those who were raised up only in Korea.. I have become a different person... Different culture from them.. And I was so thankful..to learn this .. in a delightful manner with good people ...

Looking at those sceneries... many thoughts came in and out.. including my first relationship in Singapore....

The journey was done ... somewhat quick.. and left to Myungdong to meet them. Heo Chan was there first and the rest were coming late. As the others told us that they will really be late.. we went into a restauratn to have our meal first. He and I had chicken rib for dinner. It was one of my favourite food and something that I would reallly crave when I'm back there. Being alone with him.. is always never weird. We may have silence times but it is always not awkward.. Him.. to my life.. is a touching person.. He was the one who sought me out... when I was trying to hide myself from the world and trying to veil myself into the darkness...  He was there to listen to my stories.. and cry together with me.. He is the symbol .. of tears... to me...

Musical teacher and her husband joined a while later and it was always pleasure talking to them. Always had so much laughter.. and all. There were not much time for talk though.. as the show was about to start soon. The show time was super long.. like 2hour and 20mins. It was a play that was somewhat for adults.. not because it included obscenities but like.. included political issues.. and messages.. it was hard for me to get that I was a bit sleepy through... I couldn't really get the message of the story in the end... due to the so much messages inside.. but it was such meaningful experience to watch this show. Talking about the show with my musical teacher after the show.... Counting for the farewell time..

It was already 10:30 and was too late for a coffee time.. Farewell is always sad for me.. I wouldn't meet them for long time... I love them... But I'm used to this new encounters and farewells...

Bid a goodbye ..and took the train with Heo Chan teacher as he was living nearby me. Had another pleausrable conversation with him talking about his wonderful uni life.

Got back home.. and was already 12 am in the midnight.. Unlike how I had thought.. mom wasn't sleeping.. sis was up too.. just that dad was sleeping..

Mom nagged like usual.. and I just took it as sth that every mom does..

AFter thinking that way.. it was easy to accept..

It's just sad that I have to quickly write this diary as I'm in pressure for mom's nag..

Tomorrow will be another wonderful day..

Good night...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 91

There is this.. little dot that remains on my conscience..

This feeling....

Like as if the meat that you had eaten for dinner ... is stuck at your teeth..

Ha..

Should have bought a white color tee instead of navy..

Damnnnn

Woke up early in the morning like 8:20. I read all the articles.. sports news... replied back to all the messages.. and was hoping.. in a mere hope that Eun Sun would get back to me.. She was supposed to see me today as today was Wednesday.

However.. her tone the day before was like such that she can hardly find the time.

I was really hoping.. that she can find a time for me... Because it was always my pleasure talking with her... talking to her... seeing her smiles....no actualy..hearing her smiles..

We only got to get closer through phone.. We were close too when we were working and meeting up but not that close. It was only when I took up the courage to text her and call her on the phone..

However... both of us know we are unfated.. I am leaving and she is staying.. Even if I do get back the country Calls me ... for a duty.. I can't be so irresponsible to leave a girl like that..

Hope.. I can turn into a free body.. that can get a girlfriend..without so much responsibilities in me..

It is ridiculous.. as this was what I had actually wanted before.. Being alone.. When I was in relationship..I missed so badly of being alone.. Being free.. And being single... so I can do things all things that  I wanted to without any restrictions... However now... I guess.. I want love...when I shouldn't be..

Waited for mom to get home when she had left to take her Birth Certificate for her Uni submission. I had to scan it for her and upload it to her website.

It was already 9:26 when I left for football. I was thinking of parking my bike at the nearby MRT station and take the train to the football center but I thought.. maybe... I can make it. I took an hour getting there.. at the first time I go.. and after getting used.. I took about slightly more than 40 minutes.. 40 Minutes was not given for me for today. I only left 34 minutes before the class began.
I rushed all the way disregarding the traffic lights. Rushing like a mad dog and when I saw my phone to check the time when I reached. It was 9:54. 6 minutes before the lesson began. I had already reached. I was given more than enough time for warm-up.

Although on the way .. my thoughts were messed up with whether should I refund this clothes or that.. I decided to put my mind all into football.. Just football.. What's my aim today? I want to show improvement from yesterday's training achievements.. What's my training goal today? I want to practice the parts that I was insufficent during the training time on my individual training time.

Having these goals.. I was much lighter in my steps.. and performed way better than how I had done the day before. And realized the importance of making a football blog. Just for football.. So I can record what I had learned and keep reviewing to remind myself.

Had done a 30 mins of individual training and rushed to the library for mom's scanning work. On the way.. I dropped by at my bank to see whether mom had sent in the money. The money wasn't there.. I was bit surprised..as mom told me she would. I was getting my payment from work late at 20th March so didn't have the money to spend before I left. Mom promised to send me the money first and I just return to her when I get my work payments..  I smsed mom why she had not put in the money..

I had a light meal of Kimchi Fried Rice.. and got to the library to settle mom's stuff.. Took me an hour and when I got back to the gym it was already 3pm. Considering the time I needed to spend buying clothes and refunding.. it wasn't enough time.. considering how indecisive I was. However... preparing for my shopping today the day before.. the process was smoooth. I knew what I wanted to buy and all things were smooth. Because.. today I had gone to another mall that was nearby the one I used to go. Just had that thought when I was about to go to the mall that I used to go. There were more brands in here and made me regret somewhat that why didn't I come here first in the first place. There were more people coming to this mall too so less attentions were given up to me. Like my normal routine.. I checked out all the shops in this mall. And listed out what I wanted to buy. Bought three t-shirt, one checkered t, and a jean. At normal speed, it should have taken me three days to buy all these. However, with proper checking of the lists I wanted to buy.. and putting priorities in what I had wanted to buy. Things were done fast and less indecisive too. I was so satisfied with today's shopping.

However the only thing ... Ha.. is that I just feel that buying a navy shirt is nice.. but white shirt with me was fine too .. and especially if it was a Guess shirt.. I really should have bought a white one.. because..

because of this University guy in the movie called 'Gunchukhakgaeron' wears that guess shirt inside the checkered tee... That looks so much like a Uni student.. wearing that.. Ha... Sigh....

Another night.. will be in ponder whether should I go and get it changed to a white one or not...

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 90

90th day..

Can feel.. by the number..

9 on its 10th digit.

Can see how close I am to mark a dot to this long journey that began last winter.

Spring has come.. and under the lights that are shoning through the trees..

I'm ready to go..

with shopping again! :)

Got up .. and was confused.. due to the complicated timetable I have with friends.

Eun Sun was supposed to remind me whether is she going to see me on Tuesday or Wednesday but she didn't give me any message.

After playing football.. I contacted Jun to tell him that  I will see him today as I wasn't seeing Eun Sun today. He didn't give me any reply.. nor did he leave any message through Kakao Talk although it was shown that he had read the messages.. I wasn't aware of what's going on so packed my things and left to the gym after a lunch at the Suwon station..

Not many days were left.. it wasn't time for me to think of proper diets..but to think of what I crave.. so I wouldn't crave it so much when I'm back there. Ate a Kimchi soup.. which I always eat but still remain as my favourite.

Got to the gym but was really lazy for it. In my head.. was only the complicated schedule that was going on.. and the shopping schedule after gymming. I even thought of skipping the gym schedule as I would prefer that so I can have longer time to shop and even catch a movie if possible.

However... I wouldn't even feel as happy when I'm shopping without having to do a proper set of gym. I was already unsatisfied with the morning's football session as it didn't show much improvements..

Did a slight gymming and left for the mall.

The first mission was to choose the Hoodie zip-up. I had thought the day before that I would want to buy one that suits well with my training pants which is a grey color. However.. I had this dream of wearing grey pants and grey hoodies... Like .. that was how the idols wore..

However.. when I wore like that.. I looked like one hell of a Teletubbies..

The grey Teletubby.

I tried all other colors but couldn't give up the dream of having this grey hoodie..

It was 3:30 pm when I had reached the mall..

and talking of my indecisiveness that include the worker recognising my face and all ... its' just too long and dizzy to talk about it.

Took me 7 hours to choose a hoodie zip-up..

I thought that the one at Polham looked good so I bought one hoodiezipup and couldn't just go home like that as it was already closing time so I just bought a collar shirt and a long-sleeved T-shirt.

Sigh.. man.. why am I so indecisive.. really..

Why don't I have a single shopping techniques.. taking damn long time everytime.. shitzz...

The closing ments were out as soon as I purchased it. It was already 8pm..

Got back home.. and mom wasn't happy with my shopping attitude either. She didn't like it.

Had a dinner... and while I was surfing.. Hyun Woo called me up.

He was with Sam for the Tuesday night praying service and called me to ask about when I was leaving..

Had a delightful conversation.. ALways love talking with friends...

And also thought that... Wow.. They are even spending their twenties at church... this is really great... really a commendable achievement.... I should rethink about how to spend my twenties too..

That gave me a lesson.. and I'm looking forward for the next day..

I'm supposed to meet Eun Sun but I wouldn't know as she hasn't give me any reply yet..

Another busy day tomorrow... although it will be all filled myself.. Thank God for life..and..

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 89

The night is young and cold..

Keep thinking and thinking.. of settling the meet-up schedules..

I'm going crazy under this happy encounter of having so many appointments with people..

Got up really late in the morning around 9:22.

I was already late for football.

Like.. if I start moving then, I would have reached when it was like 10:10.

I moved briskly to pack my stuff and move out.

Mom woke up.. and asked me to meet her later as she was going to some shopping mall at the football center I was going to. She didn't know that I was going to football center so asked me to take a bus there.

She thought that I will be going to the gym.

It was unavoidable.. and I was quite tired from the 8 hours of shopping yesterday. Having all these excuses.. I decided to give myself a one day break from football..

Having a heavy breakfast since long time.. I surfed around the internet to see guys' style of wearing clothes. as I was to go to the shopping mall later for the second round of shopping and to refund one of the training pants I had bought yesterday. Just then.. I realized the mall I had gone to yesterday was not opening today. Damnnnn

I had to change all my plan ...

Then.. I asked whether Jun was free today.. Hoping to see him before I leave.. and thought today was the day.

He told me he was at the dental office. That actually stroke me of what I should be doing today!

I needed to go to the dental office for a scaling service. I was 21 year-old and was given insurance for my scaling service. Decided to go gym and meet my mom at the dental office for scaling.

As the reservation was full till 3pm.. we decided to have a lunch at nearby and come back later around 3pm.

We went to the Buddajigae restaurant that was just across the traffic light.. That restauratn.. the place I had always desired to go... Retaining in Korea for O-levels... on the bike or on my foot.. waiting for the traffic light to turn green.... Looking at the sights and the restaurants.. that Buddajigae shop looked... really delicious.. And finally I was going there today..

After a meal.. went back to the dental office had my scaling done. Unlike how I had thought.. it wasn't painful at all. So luckily.. cos I brought mom to the hospital with me as I was worried I will cry.

After the service.. the dentist told me that I will need to put on braces as my teeth wasn't proper..

Told mom about what I've heard and she didn't really care much about it.. as putting on braces was really expensive.

We stopped by at the mart to buy the ingredients for dinner and got back home..

Mom lied down as soon as she reached home. She got sick from the cold winds that was blowing outside..

She thought that it would be a weather like spring and wore spring clothes..but the weather today was like no other winter weathers...

Mom got fever and cold... I was tired from today's workout and fell asleep too.

When I woke up.. mom had already prepared dinner..

Ate the dinner and mom lied down again.

I went out to buy some beverage medicines for her.. while calling Jae Yeon on the phone..

It was nice walking outside at night..

Much better than just staying at home..

Although I was nagged for only buying one bottle..I was still proud that I had done sth for her.

Then.. began the dilemma of me.

I couldn't settle which day I should meet my friends and all.. so complicated..

Having not much time.. didn't know how to manage them.

Although I do have a blueprint of it.. don't really know how well it would work out to be.

Tomorrow..by the plan.. I should go football..gym.. and shop at the Lotte mall and meet Jun before reaching home.

Hope for another great day tomorrow.

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 88

88th..

and today was something different indeed man..

Lived like a normal person after such long time. Like how the others always do. I went out to shop. For .. 8 hours..

Me being super indecisive.. mom and sis knew about me.. went back home leaving me at the shopping mall.. Thinking... in deep thought on the cubicle.. the exertion of the excrements making my thoughts to hurry...

Slept really late the last night.. around 1:30 am.  I had to get up at 7 to go for church and play Sunday league football. I managed to hear the alarm ring and got up for church. Didn't bathe.. but only sat down at the cubicle.. hoping to fall asleep...

30mins later.. I left for church.. and it was another Sunday.. sitting down unconsciously and just dazing out... Then I thought. I shouldn't.. I should listen to all other people like the way I listened to uncles at our family gatherings. That respect.. and that tension..

However though.. it was hard listening to somebody's sermon for so long being awake.. I was just dazing out for an hour.. and realized it was the end of the service when everybody stood to sing the closing chants.

It was another moment.. realizing.. a service has ended... this way..

I unlocked my bike and headed to the Sukji primary school. Seeing the cars in front the school.. I knew we were playing today. I greeted all the people and helped out with chores as I was the youngest.

My mind before going for today's football gathering was that.. as it would be the last match that I will play in Korea before leaving.. Today's game will be somewhat of a summary of how much I had improved.. Hoping for a better me... I began playing the game.

As soon as the game began.. I felt hot and heavy. The weather was like spring now but still... was windy. However. . i just felt my whole body was heavy. I took out my pants halfway during the game.. took out my gloves.. and took out my jacket too. I was only wearing shorts and shirt like how I used to wear in Singapore. Only wearing this Innova PE shirt.. I felt much more comfortable and light.. although my play didn't improve at all. I wasn't able to give a proper pass and all. I was just so nervous when I get the ball. I couldn't play my game.. and like three games ended that way..

It was disappointing that I didn't improve by the way I played game but it is important to note that I wasn't given chances to play game during my stay in here. I should join the Saturday NUS football club in Singapore that I used to go previously as soon as I reach Singapore. Having this dream of making it into the SIM's main team.. gotta make sure it happens.

After all the games.. there was an opening ceremony for the three clubs that shared the primary school. Like the usual Korean customs.. they bought the pig head.. soju.. makgorli.. and all the liquors and dried pollack and some weird fishes.

Our chairperson gave a speech and they bowed three times hoping for another healthy year. It was the ritual.. We all ate the food and drank. As I was the youngest.. all the uncles from everywhere called me up to offer me soju and makgeoli and I couldn't reject...so I had to drink it up at once. It wasn't hard but makgeoli was really strong.. Having to drink two cups at one go.. I was really kinda dizzy. Reached home and I was already dizzy not able to stand properly.. I wondered how the uncles always play matches every week while drinking makgeoli during their break times..

Reached home and mom nagged again about me drinking .. and I began to take out those words that I wanted to tell the day before.. like how much I love her.. and no matter what she is my most beautiful mom.. and all..

Although I was drunk.. I told mom that I needed to go on a shopping as I won't have much time later on. Mom wanted to follow me although she didn't have anything to buy. Sis and mom followed and we got down to the Lotte mall at Suwon station that was newly built. We were supposed to go to the EMart at first but it was closed as it was the 2nd Sunday of the month.

There were list of things that I had planned to buy.. like hoodies... zip up .. pants.. training pants and all. Getting there.. I began to look carefully to see the best one and cheaper ones.. It was really mind breaking to think that I had to see the whole mall to check out what they had. I was a perfectionist and always to had to see everything in the mall. I looked up all the floors from first to 6th. It was crazy really.. I forgot all the things I had seen at the first and second floor by the time I reached the 6th floor. Then.. I got down to the first floor again to see again. Mom and sis was already tired by the time they got back from the 6th floor. I didn't want them to pressure me down so asked them to take a seat at Lotteria. Looking through all the places..  I really couldn't decide.. it all seemed same to me.. and I couldn't remember all.. My another heaviest dilemma was whether should I buy more jeans or more training pants.. That was really of a heavy dilemma. I really couldn't decide. I found a seat in front the toilets.. there were seats for people to wait for their family or friends to come back from toilet. I took the cosiest corner seat and began to fall in thoughts.. considering.. I want to look like those casual University students.. and how should I even wear.. What should I wear like?.. Would wearing traing pants to school often be fine? How am I going to make use of these pants?

Considering for so long... I repeated the getting up and sitting down under the nerve breaking down situation. Mom called me to ask me to walk around and show her what I had seen .. and I just wanted time for myself to think. I was really careful when deciding things for me.. like clothes or anything else.

Mom and sis left the shopping mall first. Then.. began my confusion and this long hours of deciding..

I just couldn't decide.

I finally decided that I want to buy two training pants and one jean. That was the final decision. However. the problem began from here. I couldn't decide which shop's training pants I should buy. Ha.. listing down.. writing down the so many encounters I had while buying this training pants and all is super long that I reached the shopping mall at 1pm and got back home when it was 9. What I had bought in that 8 hours was just two training pants.. one jean and a few tshirsts. All in uniqlo..after all this moving around and stuff..

Shopping is really tiring...

I just can't decide..

It's really not a thing for me.

Hope mom always buy clothes for me and I just be happy wearing it.

Hope to make tomorrow another meaningful and different day.

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 87

Seeing the neon signs... the people who are still walking in the night... uncles and aunties.. hurrying to close their shops.. to get home... seeing those sights outside..  fell in a ponder...

Woke up in the morning around 8. I could have slept more.. but I preferred to settle my problems that I had with the school matters.. Read all the emails and the PDF file attachments that I had received from the school... Mom woke up about 15 minutes later than I did and as soon as she saw me looking at the monitor screen.. she was angry.. Mom being short tempered.. she easily gets angry. I ... being short tempered.. either.. shouted back what I was up to.. and why she wasn't able to understand me all time.

The house fell in a silence and I hurried on to read the emails and search for any queries I had as I wanted to call up to SIM when it comes to the operating hours.

After talking to SIM and reading most of the details I had to for school.. I then began to think what I can do for today..

There were a limited time.. as I only had time till 5:30pm. There was a family gathering at 6pm as it was our grandma's birthday. It was already 11 am when I began to think what I should do. I, first called the Samsung service center to ask whether can I get my computer be formatted. Having a Samsung gadget is always great when it comes to repair services. They told me that I could get a repair service for free.

My schedule for the day was fixed. Going to the service center to leave my laptop there.. and go to the gym for a workout and get back to the center to retrieve my computer and get back home.

It was all done smooth and got back home when it was 4. Not so long later.. mom and sis got back home too. They went to the sauna like how they had usually spent their weekends.

Checked out my newly formatted laptop and watched the opening game for the K-league between Jeonbuk and Seongnam. Everytime I was watching a football match.. I tried to spot the way a Right back or Left back player play. Tried to learn from the professional players' way of dealing football.. to learn the way play...

5:30 came so fast and we left for the restaurant. It was the ribs restaurant. The second eldest uncle came back to Korea from US since long time. It has been like 10 years since I had last seen him. All they asked to me were the same. Be it the second eldest uncle or the youngest uncle.. what they all were interested was about the date of getting back my result... and when the University starts in Singapore.. Mom.. always pressuring me to lie to the family that I had just taken my A-levels and had not taken back my result yet.. I always had to lie the truth..

After the dinner at the restaurant.. like how it was like before... after the dinner.. we all drove to the grandpa's house for the second round of conversation. Taking out the big table.. all the family sitting down surrounding the table.. grandpa took out the whiskey that had been preserved for the last 21years... Grandpa would always take out the Western liquors whenever we have a family gathering. The liquor was really strong that it was about 45% alcohol.

Listening to the uncles' talk ... and their advices... time passed fast and was already 10 when we all left for home..

Others all took their own car back home and our family was the only family to take the cab back home.. Seeing the neon signs outside... and the people hurrying to get home.. I fell in a ponder..

thinking back .. what I had seen and thought just now...

Just now when we all were going to the grandpa's house after our dinner.. I was at grandma's car with the youngest uncle and grandpa. Grandpa told grandma to stop by nearby the house as he wanted to get some strawberries for the family.. Grandpa bought a bucket of strawberries... and stopped by at the Chicken House to buy a packet of chicken. The person told grandpa that he had to wait a while as they had to heat up the chicken before we can take it away. Grandpa.. being really old.. he couldn't hear properly.. I had to shout at his ears so he could hear..

While we were sitting down at this noisy shop... both of us.. in silence...  I looked at grandpa's face.. The person.. who used to live with me for like 10 years when I was staying in Korea.. the person who loved me the most amongst all the other cousins.. Seeing the wrinkles on his face.. it seemed still the same as the last time.. but him...not being able to hear properly... were signs that he was getting old.. After taking away the chicken... seeing him walking briskly back home from the back... I then thought.. how could I wish.. I can give allowance to him and my family every month...

I wouldn't be working so fast.... till I can give allowances to grandad..

but at least to my family... I want to help them up... Ma... Pa.... although I have let you down so much... how could I just get married and build my own family.. leaving the two of you... Although I had let the two of you down so much.. although it is just a thought for now after a few drinks.. I wish to see mom and dad living in a stable house with a stable monthly allowances from me before I get into a married life and all.. Sorry ma.. pa...

Mom... you always shout at me .. scold me.. and nag at me.. but.. she is still my mom.. my lovely mom. The person I love the most in this world.. After all.. it's still my mom... How'd I wish I can keep this heart for life...

Leaving the cab.. I just felt like talking.. keep talking.. trying to talk to dad.. who didn't talk a lot with me usually.. I asked him about cars as I was really curious about that.. When dad left halfway hometo get some beers.. I followed him to talk longer..

Hope I can get closer to my family.. Talking to them more.. and understanding them too...

Thanks for today.. and

Goodnight.

Midnight in Suwon - Day 86

86th night.. about to pass its 12 midnight..

Clinging on one foot to Friday and the other foot.. on a Saturday..

Thinking whether should I be faithful to present or future... I'm living in the world of thoughts..

Pondering.. how I should spend the rest of the time in Korea.. I fell asleep..

Woke up to realize that it was already 8 in the morning.. I wanted to gym before leaving home.. but failed to do so as I woke up at that time.. I needed to be at the subway by 8:30 for the volunteer work today..

I slowly moved .. had two choco pies for breakfast ... told mom that I cancelled off today's meeting for another day and left for the CIP work.

Riding on the bike... moving to the rest home where elderly stayed.... I kept thinking.. whether am I spending it right.. and how should I spend the rest of the time... Time pressuring down every minutes.. and I was still thinking ways.. I can spend.. to leave no regrets when I'm back in Singapore for school.. How I can end.. this journey well.. and what I had thought was that I should do things.. that I wasn't able to accomplish till now... Like being a good son and brother.. like how I tried to be the day before.. and going to the library and reading books..

But of course.. having a time to think... on a bus ride... would be great too..

Reached.. the rest home like 15 minutes late.. and I quickly wrote my name and the person in charge brought me up to the third level. He asked me in the lift why I had come here for voluntary work... He told me there were a few grandmas or grandads suffering from dementia so was hard to deal with them... It was pretty much expected.. and seeing the grandma and grandpa... some memory actually came up.. which was the Sunami home that I had gone the other time for CIP during the Pegasus program. It was the same here. things we do.. like feeding.. and talking to them.. I was given a role to help feeding the elderly.. then.. she asked me to help with folding the laundries.. later on.. the clerk at the counter called me up to help with the computer work. All of them being old they weren't so updated with using computer. Although my computer knowledge was shallow too that I had to call Jun to ask some question about Excel but I was happy that I was giving help. But more than that..  I was really glad that I was given a seat with a computer and given a task to do using computer.. Like I felt professional and felt like I was some worker at Samsung.

After helping with the computer job.. .so fast it came 12pm and lunch was ready for the elderly. I had to feed them as most wasn't able to use the chopstick. Clearing all of them.. all the work was done. I tried to do all the tasks I was given properly and neatly.. that one of the worker auntie asked whether I had already gone for NS. Being so harshly treated for not being fast and comprehensive at work previously.. I was pretty happy. Volunteer work ended really fast.. 1pm and it all ended. I was hungry and but did not want to eat alone. I knew Hyeji nuna was living nearby so I called her but she was working.. Called Su Jin who lived nearby too but she didn't answer.. Seemed like all others... getting new jobs.. going to school... all of 'em were busy...  But still.. I had done something different.. and meaningful today.. so I'm happy with that.

Dropped by at the nearest MRT station to have my lunch and got back to gym and reached home.

Settled my return flight ticket.. and other stuff..

Still a lot to settle for my school matters..

Gotta wake up early tomorrow to see what else I have to settle tomorrow.

Thank God for today..

and..

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 85

85th night.. I'm left with 10 days from now..

Wanting to make every single day a different and a colorful one..

Tried to do different things everyday..

Today..  my aim in the morning was to go to the library and spend the whole day down there..

It failed.. as mom asked me to come home early for dinner..

but most importantly it was because I really was lazy to travel all the way down to the library..

I was even lazy to do gym today.. that I didn't gym but just bathed at the gym.

Instead... I did sth different today.. at least tried... to make today .. a different one..

Woke up in the morning around 8.. and mom asked me to sleep longer.. as she knew I had gone for sleep late the last night..

I didn't want to.. because I wanted to find out my house..to stay in Singapore..

Trying to find... I realize there are no house to rent me for 16days..

It was too short for any landlords..

Decided to find other way out like going into a hostel..

The only option I was left with was going into a hostel that was in Tanjong pagar.. owned by a Korean.

It was 30 bucks per day and it was pretty expensive..

Tried to find other way out and the only one that came up to me was Mr. Ong..

My secondary school form teacher.. who was still in contact with me since my graduation..

We were quite close that he had come down to Korea for a trip twice.. and when I was in Singapore.. he volunteered to be like somewhat friend.. father.. always fetching me to his house to make me study..

I asked him really politely.. whether can I stay while paying him..

I really didn't want to bother him but .. going to hostel was really too expensive..

Packed my bag.. and left for football...

It was another lazy morning..

Day by day.. I was getting damn lazy for this routinely work of football and gym..

Like some athlete..

Plus that... I was the only one training today... Which meant that the intensity of the training was at its highest...

However though... I managed to finish all the sets better than how I did yesterday.. My body was much lighter.. and I was able to breathe.. My stamina indeed improved..

I skipped the self training time as  I was already quite tired from the normal training time.. and lazy too..

I stopped by at the Suwon station.. and searched around for a place to eat my lunch.. I didn't want to go to the place that I usually went to.. I wanted to try new place.. I didn't have much time left staying in Suwon. And in the end.. the place that  Ifound was just... Lotteria.. the Korean fast food shop..

Bought a burger using my check card.. consumed.. and cleared my plate as in Korea.. you had to clear your own garbage after eating..

Left for gym.. and when I reached gym.. I took out my wallet to take out my gym membership card.. However.. I realized that it was gone.. My check card.. was GONE!!

I was kind of shocked but tried to keep my mind alive..

The first thing I thought of was to call my bank so as to stop the card from using.

Stopped then I relieved a sigh. I began to think where I could have possibly lost it.

It was the Lotteria! It was when I was clearing my plate I guess.. I think I threw my card that was enfolded by the receipt into the trash can... Damn..

I needed the card. I needed that to pay almost anything..

Got down to the nearby bank to renew.. and it took me one dollar.. After that.. I checked my card to see the balance left.. and there was only 360000won left... I know that I was spending quite a lot these days..but didn't know this much of money had gone... God....

I won't have enough money for all those trip... shirts..and clothes..

Like I had said ... i didn't gym but only bathed..

 I forgot to bring towel .. so I remained standing drying myself..

Got home when it was only 4.

When I reached.. mom welcomed me..

And here is what I had thought..to make today .. a special one..

On the way back home after bathing at the gym..

I wanted to make today.. sth different..

I thought... what can I do to.. make today.. a different one..

At first.. the only thought that came up was like.. should I go out and train football on my own ... or like go out and do something.... but what actually came across that hit me Eureka.. was when I thought that I should start doing something that I supposed to have been doing...

Being polite to mom and dad... and being a helpful brother...

What I had always planned but failed to do so...

I made a firm decision before entering the door..

Never... get angry.. or anything.. just listen... when she says sth.. that troubles.. or nags..

I tried to be nice.. Like asking her whether does she need me to buy anything outside or sth..

She asked me to act normal and don't have to try to be nice..

I sat down to cut my fingernails.. and later on.. she told me that the house was lacking of toilet tissue paper. I told her that I will go and buy one outside.. and she said we go out together to buy. Before leaving.. I reminded her with one thing that I will be going to do a volunteer activity tomorrow and meet friends for dinner after it.

Mom was angry..

She told me to stop going out.

She told me I was going out too frequently..

I had so much to rebut. and all. but I compressed down all the phrases that were about to erupt out of my mouth..

I stayed calm listening to her..

I just didn't say anything..

We went out.. in silence.. though mom spoke a few words like nagging me..

Got back home.. and I cut my toenails..and sat down on the bed watching TV..

Mom was slowly getting better..

And in the end.. we got okay..

When mom was nagging at me in the first place... the only thought that came up to me was that I really want to rebut her as soon as its 12am... only thought of fighting back.. and rebutting..

But after this event... I realized something.. I learned to communicate with mom like finally..

I need to wait for her to calm down first..

She is a short-tempered person. When she is angry with something.. she can't hold herself back. I should take a back step and wait for her to calm before saying anything.. I shouldn't be putting fire onto the oil when she's angry...

Why did I realize this so late...

Two people playing ping pong till now.. no wonder the game didn't end while both getting tiring... One has got to learn to stay back and wait for its turn..

Then on somehow...

The day ended...

Quite peaceful..

spent most of the time thinking what I should be doing..

The dinner tomorrow was cancelled as Eun Sun wasn't free.

So we decided to meet on Monday finally..

And set an appointment to meet the pastor and my teacher the two people whom I had met the other time again.. next Thursday..

Left with not much time... I'm just pondering.. what I can do.. to make this journey ... I mean.. to end this journey .. beautifully....

What can I do..?

Hope I can fill those time... spending with good people in a right manner..

but mom wouldn't allow either..

Hope I can go on a trip for a three four days but I do not have enough time for such..

I should think of the ways to end this journey..beautifully...

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 84

The 84th night is here...

Booked my flight..

leaving for Singapore on the 15th night of March..

It would be the 95th midnight in Suwon..

Left with 11 days counting from now...

I've got to spend it ... different and.. make it memorable and lovable.

Doing different things.. and meaningful things everyday..

I had signed up for a volunteer activity which is on Friday..

It's to help the elderly..

I need to meet friends before leaving too...

Today... I woke up in the morning ... and realized that mom told me to get a specs today..

Told mom that I will be back by 4pm to get the spec.. I had to meet Jun today too..

Played football.. with a heavy body today..

as I had kicked too much ball the day before using the method of training I've made.

Had a Haejangkuk (hangover soup) for lunch and headed onto the gym..

Gymmed for about an hour and a half.. I rushed to the glasses shop that mom and I were supposed to meet. We first had an eye check-up at the opthalmic clinic.

They told me I had a serious astimagtism problem.. that my left eye and right eye's eyesight were heavily different..

Went to the spec shop at the second floor to buy the glasses..

I had in mind of the kind of specs I wanted..

It was like those.. that Joshua used to wear in school.

He cool shit but when he needs to read books and study.. he wears this spec temporarily which makes him look like those doctor. Like the one that's made of glass and metal.. not plastic.

I searched for those type and found it. Had a long time deciding what I should buy as I didn't want to regret like the other time..

Getting the spec I wanted.. it was about 120000 won. Pretty expensive that I sent 70000won straight away to mom's bank account after I left for Jun. I was supposed to send this money anyway for my handphone bills.

This spec was a gift from mom.

When I was in the train on the way to meet Jun.. I was excited again... Meeting friends... encounters... Is always a pleasure to me.

Took a photo of myself with this spec and sent to Un Young sister. She told me that spec makes me look uglier and asked me to take it off!

Just as I was taking selfie.. someone tapped me from the back.. asking me where is the train going to An Yang.. She was really pretty that I really wanted to help her out.. Really really pretty.. One of the prettiest girl I've seen.. I did't really know so she was about to leave me.. so I held her back to ask which stop is it like nearby and she told me Geumjeong.. I knew where to go so I directed her.. She was a beauty...

When I got on the train.. I felt guilty to Eun Sun.. Although we didn't have anything going on other than those few messages we shared...

Met Jun at the Ori station.. It's always a pleasure meeting him.. Like.. I don't have any pressure down me like what should I say and all. I just feel really comfortable with him..

Had Buddaejiggae for dinner. It was awesome. Really awesome.. and I got to drink soju with him for the first time too. Always drank beer with him when we were back in Singapore and now we were grown-ups drinking soju in Korea.. I loved it.

Our main topic again was about girl.

About the girl that he was having something on... and about Eun Sun..

There were no conclusion to what was what.. because we both were single and available after all...

Got to the cafe after it and drank some hot white chocolate latte and it was pretty awesome!!

I loved it.

The cream that was mixing the taste with the choco made my cold heart warm down..

Although he was easily tired off after drinking soju as usuall.. tlaking to him is alwasy great..

I can communicate with him.. and share all the things I had that  Icouldn't share with others.. and listening to what he  s going through too..

Love this time of life.. where I can talk with friends... and agree..

For the third venue we got to the KBOX to lighten up the mood.

He was damn tired already after that one bottle of soju unlike Sang Moo the power drinker.

Singing together in this KBOx for the past two years.. always love singing with him.. and I'm so used to the way he enjoy.. And when I should take the lead..when I should make the move and when I should intervene to sing a phrase and all...

Guesss I will be missing all those fun times with him when I'm back to Singapore..

He took the cab back home when it was about 10:30. His house was nearby and he had something to do with his dad..

I was back alone again.. and thought of Eun Sun again.. Being lightly drunk.. and this winter's wind giving me courage... I took out my phone and pressed the call button..

As soon as I pressed the call button.. I felt sth wasn't right.. I just felt calling her wasn't jsut right...

I hoped she would answer still but she didnt'...

I felt discouraged...heavily..

All the way back home.. she didn't give me a call back..

I was depressed..

Got home when it was like 12... and saw a message from her that she saw the missed call late...

That made me relieve actuallly..

I thought she wanted to cut ties with me or anythign... Ha...

Thank God she answered..

She isn't my type of girll and I know it's not the right timing or anything's right to have her..but I just like her... It's an infatuation I know... but it's so hard to release this tie that bounces my heart so hardly...

The strong urge...of this instinct..

I wouldn't know how to deal with it...

Tomorrow.. I will be going to football..

gym... and maybe.. I should spend the whole day in the library till the library close.. Reading.. and dipping myself in the book.. That's one different thing I want to be doing for tomorrow..

Excited for tomorrow!

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 83

The 83rd night..

after the talk..

I do not know how I should react.

I'm just pondering in this ocean of confusion..

I don't get what mom's trying to say..

she told me to book the flight when I feel I'm ready.. and I was wondering what that is..

I told her that I do not have the confidence.. and now I'm asked to have that confidence... is ruthless of me to tell her to decide my own future. I couldn't choose..

She asked me staying in Korea and not wasting money in Sg is also an option but both of us are aware that going to Sg and doing what I am supposed to is the best option..

I left for football in the morning..

Got to the gym had two hours of gymming and i headed to the library in this raining weather..

I was all wet when I reached the library.. soaked in the dirty water.. I wiped off the rain using the tissue..

I used the computer at the cyber room to print the document mom had asked me too..

Then.. I dipped myself into thoughts again..

What should I say when I go home..

What kind of decision does mom want me to makee..

I don't want to lie that I'm convinced with myself for a success. I have been failing all these while and how can I so easily say that I can succeed.. I indeed am going to sg to do well in every aspect but I'm unsure still whether can I do well for my studies.. she wants me to have that strong will and that unyielding spirit.. How do i have that.. and how do i say that I have that... I haven't had it till now and I really do not have one.. How do I even lie...

Got back home.. and slowly began a conversation with mom.. bringing the story back to last Wednesday when the quarrel began.. and I told her all the things I wasn't happy about for her scolding me. I felt she wasn't right about scolding me for going out too often. That really wasn't rational. I only went out with friends twice for the past two months..and now that I had friends from work and I began to go out twice a week for the past two weeks. It just wasn't rational that I was going out too much. It's clear that I was going out more often compared to that two months time where I had only gone out twice.. but going out twice a week... isn't that much.. I argued all these... and in the end of the conversation... it just paused.. that I still do not know what's happening to me.. No conclusion again.. I can't lie.. that I do have strong faith in myself that I can do well.. I'm just going over in a mere hope.. that I can do well .. where do I even get that faith that I can do well..I've only been failing.. I forgot the taste of success... And... I don't understand why success or failure is only measured by one's grade or one's academic ability... Why isn't it based on a person's... personality... and characteristics... I feel that's the most important...

Conversation stood hanging from then.. and I still don't know what's to happen..

I can't make mom decide my life.. I decide my life..

Gotta think...

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 82

The 82nd night is coming..

In the morning.. I woke up after a dream.

A dream.. that was... Ha... sorry to say to any girls who may be reading this but bit pervertic.. I woke up hardly holding my breathe.

I quickly changed up to get ready for football..

It was already 9:14 when I woke up. I was supposed to leave home at that time.

I left without a goodbye..

Reached .. played two hours of football.. ate a lunch while talking to Jun on the phone.

Then I headed for gym.

Gymming for about an hour and a half.. I learned new drills today.

Left gym hurriedly as it was 3:40. I had to catch the movie at 4:05. alone.

I wanted to watch this 'Back To the Beginning'.

I promised myself yesterday that I wanted to do something new every single day.

And this.. watching movie.. although not that new.. but was something that made differences from the other days..

This movie.. was hmm somewhat at least better than that 50 shades of grey

At least.. this left me watching for the 2hours..

I didn't fall asleep.

It was about a man who created this time travel machine and kept going back to achieve what he wanted and in the end realising that leaving as how it should be is the best.

Let it be..

Let things be as how it is..

That's the wisdom of life..like how mother Mary had said..

When the movie ended.. carrying my bagpack.. I pondered again alone.. what should I do now..

I didn't want to go home.. that place where I had to eat in silence.. see phone in silence .. everything ..in silence..

I decided to go to the library and read books till the library closed at 10pm. For that time.. I just thought that was the best idea. I .. first went to the food court to fill my hungry stomach.. and I left a sms to mom that I will be back home late.

After a few minutes she called me back to ask me to come back.. as she want to talk to me.

She wanted to have some chat outside ..

I finished my dinner and I got back to the nearby bar.

On the way I was riding my bike to the bar... I thought... How do I become an adult.. by saying and telling people that I am 21 and that now I am an adult..? or by behaving like one..?... Seeing the others.. so understanding... and putting them down for their parents.. and thinking the so much things my parents had done for me. .. I was a jerk... I then thought.. ' I shouldn't make this conversation.. this talk.. a hard one for mom... I should..make this.. a conversation between the two.. not just hers.'

Mom had already made order..

She offered me a cup of soju but I rejected.

She wanted to talk about the few things that had been happening and what she was unhappy about.. there were few things I did not agree with her.. and I made some rebuttals... she asked me a few serious questions too... and I answered back them too...

What made the conversation pause..was when she said this.. She told me to save her... from this repetitive nerves breaking situation that had been repeating for the past few years.. but she also asked me to tell her how I am feeling about going back to Singapore..

I really couldn't answer.. She wanted honesty but her answer was fixed...

Saving her... she asking me to save her.. only meant that she wants a success from me in SG.. Meanwhile... she still asked me for an honesty.. My honesty... was that I am still unsure whether I can do well in sg. she asked me whether do I have the will to do well. but my answer was no. I do not have that confidence to tell her that I for sure can do well. Why? Because I've been saying that I can do well for all these time and haven't done it well all these time. How can I suddenly achieve a thing that I wasn't able to achieve for the past few years.. How can I say that I can succeed so blindly..

But yet.. telling her that I do not have full confidence.. would again.. be conflicting with what she had told me about saving her and all..

I was confused..and I hang there not talking for an hour.. She incited me for an answer.. but I hardly made an answer..

I slowly brought back about what she meant when she said save her.. and slowly talked...

Ha..

In the end.. she told me to book the ticket anytime I feel that I'm ready..

But.. I'm really ..ha.. I can only sigh about this situation..

I had just told her that I do not have confidence and I have to gain that confidence in just few days.. I haven't had this confidence for the past few years and she is asking me this..

Few days later.. mom would ask me again.. whether had I booked my flight and my answer would stay no. She would then go mad telling me why I haven't and my answer would be same that.. I do not have that full confidence to succeed. I haven't done it well for the past few years and how can I even afford to have that confidence...

Situation being so ambiguous like this.. I don't really know what to do..

Time is just passing..

so fast..

and I still..

am drifting in this sea of confusion..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 81

81st night..

the sad night.

really a sad night.

where are the lights in this deep darkness..

Can't see a way out and I don't know what I should do and what is right..

the silence that overwhelms the house.. and do not know how or what to break it..



Got up in the morning.. when it was like 8:30.

I wanted to get up early for Sunday morning football..

I was supposed to sleep early and attend the morning church service at 7 am and play football all the way. I had already woke up late. I checked the next service today and there was a serivce at 11 am. So i decided to go and play football first before attending the service.

When I reached.. there was nobody.. and only the cold wind blowing. It was 9:30 when I reached the field. I was told from the chairperson that the venue will be the Suji primary school but nobody was there..

I sat down at the bench and decided to wait for about 20-30 minutes as at times they reached late after a drink the last night.

Sitting down... thought of various stuff..

Last night.. Eun Sun asked me whether had I been into any relationship..

She told me she was just suddenly curious.

I told her I was .. and I asked her too..

She had been into various relationship like 6-7 times..

I tried to see why she had asked me that.

From what I can think.. I think is for her to know whether do I actually know or like getting a girlfriend. Because.. I was kind of ambiguous or dubious in talking to her.

I was supposed to meet her up.. Like we've been promising each other for a meet up since long ago.. However... as times passed.. I guess.. instinctively .. and unconsciously.. I began developing feelings for her when I shouldn't be.. When I do know that I'm not ready for any girl.. and when I do know that I'm not suited for her.. Seeing through the chats.. I felt that I could have made her to misunderstand.. I had to fix the situation..

As Ji young and Yun ah the two other girls at work.. who were friends with Eun Sun told me to make an outing next week.. I asked Eun Sun first about the meet-up. She was thinking that only two of us,, eun sun and I will be meeting for the meet-up but I told her that this will be a group thing... She was seemingy like a little bit disappointed but tried to hide it. Ha.. even when i had chance to make it like just the both of us' meeting.. I tried to avoid it.. I need to fix the situation and the problem.. I need to stop from making her to misunderstand..  I can't make her .. fall into me.. and I can't let me fall for her..

And I guess.. that was why she asked whether I had any relationship experience. She wanted to see whether was I too shy to ask for a stead...  maybe she thought I had no any experience before..

Thinking of all such that happened the other night. time passed fast at the Suji primary school's bench. it became 9:40 yet there was nobody down there. I moved myself back to home. I didn't know what to do in this silent house.. I found myself weird... even just for standing in this house.. I left after thirty minutes.. Reached the school to see whether did they come and there wasn't anybody still.. I went to the other school . there was one school that were playing games in  a group. I brightly asked them whether can I join them. I doubted that they will reject me cos if I was one adult old enough.. I would accept those kids who are so passionate to play game.

So surprisingly.. I was rejected at one shot. He only replied me with one word NO. I was stunned and i just turned back..

I was angry..but more angry that I had no place to go..

Got back home.. had a breakfast and attened the church service..

It was about we following the God's way and not get deviated along the way because of the small things..

THen .. i straight away headed for gym and realized the gym was closed. I forgot that today was a public holiday. Sigh... I really didn't know where to go. If I had gone to some lanshop or movie mom would know I didn't go to the gym as she would for sure know that gym was closed today..

Not knowing what to do.. I headed back home..

Reached home.. and I do not know what I had done after that .

I only slept.. and woke up.. fought with sis.. and now I've been all the way in this room just using computer not doing much..

I don't know ...

I'm drifting..

My flights not booked..my house is not fixed.. i dont know what I should be doing to end this journey well..

I'm just drifting in this sea of confusion..

Help me..

Save me..

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 80

80th night..

And today.. the last day of larva... last day of work... being called a teacher... Larva Uncle.. Larva teacher...

I would miss these time... pretty bad..

All the hardships..pleasure..learnings..memories..friendships..vulgarities I heard.. relationships.. efforts..sweats.. and all... all that would remain in me..

Woke up.. and I knew.. today was the last day... that was the first thought I had...

Had three bananas and a can of chicken breast for breakfast. I washed my hair dried..and left for work... before I left for work.. I looked through my bookshelf... checking out whether there is anything that I can present to colleagues and boss... Being here for such short..there wasn't much that  I could give..

Left the house in silence.. Mom and I still in a bad relationship.. we didn't bother talking to each other.

Turned on the music... and headed for work... slowly pedalling my bike.

All the thoughts coming... that this was the last time... leaving for work...

every single moments were last..

When I was in the train.. thinking of the past... of the things that had happened.. memories made my eyes red..

Reached work.. and I brightly greeted the boss and changed up. Last time changing up in here...

Quickly got out.. and I was given those roles that seniors did like.. turning on the switches and all..

I was willing to do it fast and do it more... now that i've become the experienced one in here.. I want to contribute... and pay back to my boss' trust..

Although I was scolded again for not doing what I was asked to do properly... i still was the trusted man.

Thanks for that to him..

I was assigned the boxing zone.. the last day of my work.. my role. is boxing zone.

This zone required me to keep pumping in the air inside the roller. There were holes on the roller so I had to pump it minutely. When not much people were around.. boss came nearby to help me out with taping the holes..

While he was taping and when we were just two of us.. he began asking by saying today is my last day.. and told me about his work life.. and gave some advice on spending my holidays.....

He is great at work. He does things correctly. Can't call it neat or perfect but he doesn't like making mistakes while doing work. Military style.. Many of my colleagues do not like him... yes.. he does have that temper that gets him angry so easily .. says harsh words quiet often very easily. But now that I see... he is saying all because he knows we can do it.. not just getting angry on us for no reasons. He has reasons.. lives alone.. loves to go out for a drink after work .. and that is why when people judge him just by his harsh words and avoid going for drinks after work  he gets sad...

He would scold me.. but I'm just so proud ... that I've changed.. from not willing to change to willing to listen. I see his harsh words as a time for improvement. I love that whenever I ask questions to him. he doesn't see it as time-troubling but explain every details of why although he may explain it in a harsh manner too. I do like him.

I got scolded again today for not plugging the walkie-talkie to my ears during lunch break. I was hurt a bit to hear that harsh words but i do realize its my fault so i'm alright.

Dealing with kids... talking to them.. seeing their innocent hearts.. asking their personal lives... learning to talk and communicate with them... learning to teach and stop when they do wrong too...

Outside dealing with kids... learning to deal things with teachers..parents... getting their complains.. and learning how to deal with them.

Outside all these.. doing disposal work for the first time in my life... cleaning the toilets.. vacuuming the whole hall... and everything... getting orders and performing them... I've grown. I 've learned...

I have so much to thank them..

So many memories i've made with the colleagues.. making so many treasurable friends.... I've made such valuable relationship in here.. talking to new people everyday.. I've learned to see what things people like about my words and what they do not like..

I went around with an elderly brother who came for work in here only like three days... I went around with him to teach him all the things he had to do for tomorrow which is the last day of this exhibition hall although today was the last day for me as I wasn't working tomorrow.

Going through every single steps..

Every steps..are the last walking steps..

Glad that I 've grown.. to someone who was trusted... to teach other people around..

Glad that I've changed to a person who would listen..

My colleagues.. Yun Ah and Ji young .. we took photos at the photoshoot zones that the customers used to take. I took one with the boss too. Before leaving.. I left my number to him too.. Giving him my sg number too hoping he would contact me again. He had much interest about going to Singapore.. always asking me where the places are and what foods are nice. While the three of us were leaving and all the lights were off at the exhibition hall.. he was still inside alone at the hall.. We asked why wasn't he leaving... He said he's okay.. and he would just turn music loud and spend the night..

We all could feel his loneliness.. We were supposed to have dinner together with him.. I mean he was supposed to. He planned to make a dinner on 27th as a sort of dinner as the work was ending. Everybody avoided attending.. and that left him alone there... we all know he speak harsh.. but he aint harsh inside.. I do know that...

It was really sad... leaving the door... seeing him alone... at this big exhibition hall..

Yun ah and Ji young were going for the final dinner. They planned one for just the colleagues excluding the boss. they weren't comfortable having dinner with the boss. I was supposed to go but I had to attend the show with Sam and Hyun woo so I wasn't able to go... promising for a meet-up next week..

Nanta show was great. We had kimchi soup for dinner with one bottle of soju... I don't know why but I easily got drunk tonight.. I only drank like 4cups but got drunk so fast.. After watching the show we had a bite of hamburger at Lotteria and we set apart.. They all had girlfriends... Calling their honeys while heading home... I was thinking whether should I call Eun Sun on the way. I loved talking to her.. but I did know that calling her more often would only make things.. like I mean..make her misunderstand.. Don't play with her if you do not like her as a girl.. You are not playing but it can be seen as such that  I like her from her view...

Reached home.. and I'm still lying in the memories of Larva...

Thanks to all of them... and thanks for today ...

Goodnight...