Midnight in Suwon - Day 21

 

 

Midnight is here again.

 

The storm just passed. Had a big quarrel with mom. The heaviest of all since I came here. I feel rather clear and digested now after screaming like mad. I feel like I had told mom about all my feelings and what I hate so much about her words. It's a day before new year but it doesn't matter. It's just a day of December.

 

Today began earlier than others did. I woke up at 9 but nobody woke up except dad at that time. Ha.. I keep thinking of the quarrel just now. I gotta calm down.

 

I bathed in the morning and did not eat any breakfast as I had eaten heavily the last night. I quickly prepared as I had lots to do today. I couldn't wait to get out of house as I didn't really like staying here. I first went to the bank to renew my passbook. It took a while and as I was waiting for my passbook to be renewed, I saw a guy whom I had seen this June when I came for hols. Neither was he my schoolmate or neighbour but was a mere stranger then. I was walking to the bus stop to meet my old friend and suddenly one guy who was looking at his reflection on the car's windown came to talk to me. He began his words by asking how old I am and began somewhat of weird conversation. He was the same age as me and began talking so comfortably. He asked me what high school am I in and I told him frankly that I am not a high school graduate. He had such long hair and his appearance didn't seem like he do study seriously. He told me that he at least graduated from high school although he is doing nothing now. He was so shocked and called me gangster and walked away then. I met him after six months in the bank. Although that time I kind of avoided him in fear of stranger but now I can feel the change in me. I wanted to talk to him being glad like as if I had met an old friend. But I couldn't really go and approach him because I'd thought it would create too much noise within the bank. But still, I could feel the change in me as I was really glad to see him.

 

On leaving the bank, I then went to the Sauna that I used to go. The sauna had a huge gym and I wanted to ask about the fees. After that, I topped up my ez-link and walked while thinking whether should I go to the hospital. It was orthopedics hospital that I needed to go as I had injuries on my hand. I had this injury from Sg, when I was playing futsal with friends during Pegasus program period. My friend, Rashvin kicked the ball hard and as I was trying to knock it out, it hit my hand really hard that I couldn't fold my fingers. It got much better since then but I still have pains when I do handshakes. I was hesitating to go to hospital, as if the injury was bad till having bandages on, I wouldn't be able to do the flyer distributing job that was today, and the job that starts on Friday. But, there were so many things that has to be settled yet I won't have much time after getting the part time job. I decided to go to the hospital and see how it goes. Luckily, after taking the X-ray, the doctor told me the injury isn't that bad till to put on the bandage, and medicines would do. As I was relieving myself, the doctor told me "But of course, it could have been better if you had the cure  done at the time you got injured. Like you see, you should study when you are taking the exam not after you fail the exam". Althoug that was just a phrase to give comparison but it came to me nearer.

 

The nurse directed me to physical cure department. There was two physical cures that I had to take. First was to get paraffin cure and the other was laser.

 

 

 

The second pic shows the paraffin cure. That's not a glove that's paraffin. When you put a clean hand insdie that pot, and take it out after 10 seconds, you get that. I had to repeat that for three consecutive times. As I was taking this cure, I began talking to the elderly sitting beside me. He had shingles disease.

 

I left the hospital and received the medicine and looked at the watch. It was already 12:05 pm. I should have got out earlier. I was supposed to go to Samsung center to fix my mp3 but I didn't ahve time. I was supposed to reach by 1pm for work so I decided to walk up the mountain to go to the library that I usually go. I had my lunch which is sandwich as I was walking. Also, as I was walking I thought through some of the thoughts that came across me. Firstly was about what the doctor said. He basically meant, you should do things when it is the right time. When you are a student, it is the right thing for you to study. When you are on holidays, it is the right time for you to relax. The other thinking that came to me was mom. About mom's role in my life. Coming to hospital alone was the first time when I was in Korea. I would get all help from mom for everything if she's around. But, for now I am doing everything on my own. All on my own initiative. But then I thought...If I do everything.. and get independent.. where goes mom's role... My conclusion was that mom wouldn't want to be someone's mom when I'm so grown like this. Theere is a reason for the word independent. Although, there are still places for mom's role.. Like listening to mom's advice. If I do not listen to mom's advice like how I do now, where goes her role? Having to quarrel with mom so many times and even ytd night about doing my own learning.. and always deciding all on my own and not listening to mom if she does not conform with my thought.. I began to ask myself  about her role... I should listen to her.. But... when I feel that she deny all I do... and do not believe in me... I really get upset... and really feel sorrowful...

 

Had a really short time in the library and got to work. I changed up and began distributing at the fourth floor as I was the only one working today. I thought it's gonna be a really easy job as fourth floor is really easy. However, I was super hungry when it only reached 3:30. I still had 1 hour and 30mins to go before dinner yet I got really hungry as I only had a sandwich till then. I wanted to go for a meal halfway but I did not as I shouldn't. As I had no energies at all, I began giving out like zombies. I merely stood and placed a hand in front of them. Even on times I shout at people to get, people don't get and now I was merely placing my hand without saying anything. Obviously, very very few people got my flyers.

 

After having a great dinner, I got up to the roof top garden to think through of what had happened throughout the year... It is basically a regretful year. Full of regrets. There is nothing positive I can clearly find actually. Flipping through my stories of 2014 from January to December.. My story this year is just divided into clear three sections. From Jan to May and from June to August and august till now. Jan to May, was the period where I was in relationship. I spent the whole time with her and it was the time when I avoided any new relationship with other people. It was the period that changed my personality too. I got protective. And I also did not like meeting new people. The idea that I have someone who will always be with me made me avoid friends and having a girlfriend was so much different from being a single. It was the life of two being one, not life of two being two. During this period, I had a learning experience but I missed being alone a lot.. Things were so different from what I had thought a relationship to be and being in relationship in the end suffocated me. I was too unexperienced for love. I did not know what love is and just jumped in. Why this remains the regret.. is not because of time.. or not because I had retained.. It is because it is the first time... my mistake affecting other person. The very first time... That is why.. I still regret till now. June to August is the period that got me freedom on the surface but more suffocating for me inside. She did not let me go. Although it needed two parties to love but it also needed two parties two apart. She did not let me leave. I couldn't take being in relationship anymore.. But she wouldn't understand..why I couldn't carry on. Even after the break-up, she would appear anywhere... I was single and had freedom on the surface... but deep in, I had a series of nightmares everyday hoping for freedom. It made me think.. I can never leave her.. I can never leave this love once I had stepped in... It was the most suffering time... as even the close friends I had or those who I'd thought to be left me. I felt all alone. Everybody's stare looked like was looking down on me.. and all the blames for the break up seemed like it was directed to me. She, crying in school canteen. telling her stories and what I did to every others including myclose friends too... that made me... alone. Even when I go to general office... even teachers there would talk about it gossip about it..giving me the sarcastic jokes and advice and at times scold me why I did that to her. Those times were really times that I hated school for the first time. The feeling of being betrayed by what I loved the most was the most painful..

As time past till September.. like all the rumors do.. It swept past like those Autumn's leaves. I began to get back my smiles and although there still were people interrogating me.. there were really less doing so... The business of J1 and J2's exam that was upcoming made people to really mind only own their own business. This was the time.. where I began prefer to be alone. This is really clearly shown by me avoiding to go for soccer trainings. I gave excuses like wantingto study at home and did not atten every soccer trainings. I skipped schoool really often and avoided all social gatherings. I moved church from Korean church that I used to go for the past five years to the one that was just in front my house and didnot even attend usually. Being used to myself alone, I preferred to be alone. Staying at home all times,, I think this was the time that I began finding alternatives to occupy my time. Which is my regret that I did not use this time for studies but I found the alternative : gaming. I got actually addicted I guess during that time. this was a crucial period for me as exam was coming and yet I really played hard. There was nobody to care about me and all those nags from friend didn't came to me as I ignored them.

Obviously, I had failed badly for exam. It was October. The year was passing. There came pegasus programs. And the school was reallyending. This pegasus period time. This November period. This time..was I guess the time where I began to have more of a relaxed mind. I began to calmly see things back and think. Each day.. learning new lessons. Looking back about my past relationships and others.

I got back to Korea and spending a holidays now. If you'd ask me about my mind set now. Okay. Asking myself about it. I clearly can see a difference between me when I was in Sg and when I'm here. Actually, to be honest, even after getting the exam result and knowing I failed... I still did not feel anything.. I only felt that even I have to be moved back to Korea for good, it was the result that I had produced and is all my fault. I felt like I deserved them.Also, the numerous failures that I got without success made me feel complacent about failures. Even after failing, I still played game when I was supposed to find out alternatives schools like how mom asked me to. I was still lacking in terms of discipline and was really lazy. Comparing myself with that time. I can see a clear difference. I am doing something. Occupying my time everyday and doing something. Writing diaries about my day everyday and trying to do new things and learn. Trying to wwalk along the trees, think and regret and learn about life. I am breathing.. now.

 

 Getting back from dinner, I felt guilty and I decided to do much more than usual to cover back my zombie work in the afternoon. There was a box where all the flyers are and I put everything in the box in my shpping bag and decided to finish that box of flyers. I gave out really crazily and finished all this in just 7:40. It was really a good work. I felt achieved too.

 

Having to achieve so much, I'd thought i would feel great on the way back home. However it wasn't. I do not like home. My brain denies home... Being back at home... is no longer a great idea to my brain cells. But.. where would a poor teenager go. I got back home and had spaghetti for dinner.

 

Left the room to use computer and I searched about the learning programs. It was a long work as I was searching for programs that interested me and at the same time did not clash with the part time jobtimings from more than 20 institutions near my house. It was a hard process and took realy long time. Mom was angry again. She does not like me using com for long. She just does no like people using gadget for long. I want to know how other parent's think too. Is not like I play game using computer.I dont watch movie or read cartoons. I read news and try to find things that can grow me up.. She doesn't understand. This was the part where the quarrl outbroke. Mom began scolding me about me using computer and once again, began talking in tha sarcastic manner that everything I do is fake... I... as a human .. reeally feel sad when I hear that word fake...

All the emotions and sadness I been accumulating bursted. I began screaming really really loud why she would call me that without even thinking... I screamed... "YES IM FAKE. IM ALL FAKE. I KNOW IM FAKE AND IKNOW I TRY TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE AND TRY TO ACT AS IF IM NICE WHEN I'M NOT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT. I DO TRY. I DO TRY NOT TO BE PRAISE DBY OTHERS BUT IN A HOPE THAT ONE DAY I WOULD HAVE THAT KIND HEART PLACED IN ME SOMEDAY. SO I TRY. SO YOU DON'T CALL ME FAKE ANYMORE WITHOUT THINKING AT ALL. YOU SAYING WORDS WITHOUT SECOND THOUGHTS HURT ME AND SISTER EVERYDAY".  Shit it was really a long one. She ofcourse got mad too and stood up facing me and rebutted to every single things I said and when she was done, I left the room. Like I said, I have no regrets for saying that. Neither do I feel bad. I rather feel clear. I finally said things that were in my heart. Although I definitely did wrong for shouting at mom,,, sorry mom but I couldn't control.. This is my limit.. This shows how poor heart I have. But i'm trying to learn.. Please along the proess don't  bring me down by saying things like that... ha...

 

Like this... the year 2014 is ending. I do not really mind ending a year this way.. Even today was the start of the year,  i wouldn't mind. You do not suddenly become a different person just because it is a new year. It is the accumulative efforts that brings to a new You, Youngsub.

 

I hope to set some goals for the year 2015 and really achieve it. It is something to think thoroughly about... Hope I can achieve them.

 

Year 2014 is ending in 18 mins and this year 2014.. lots of regrets... but indeed that regrets would mean lots of lessons. Thank God for it.. And hope all these could be the soil for my future me.

Thank you... to the world.

 

The last midnight of 2014 is here and..

 

Goodnight...

 

Midnight in Suwon - Day 20

 

 

Ha... Midnight's up.

 

It's only been twenty days of me staying here yet I feel like it has really been fast.

 

I can't take this life. Is not as hard till me leaving home out of sudden like how I did last times, but is still really suffocating.

 

Today morning, woke up with another stare from mom which no one would like. I walked away from her and she prepared a breakfast. I do not like talking to her so much. The more I talk to her, she will nag and make things complicated. She has a talent of blaming a person into a false sin. I would avoid at all means talking to her. I left home early after breakfast to get out of this suffocating air. Leaving home around 9, I reached the library at 10. I was wondering what to do, after the long days of part-time jobs. I put my bag on my allocated seat and got to the corridor to flip through the newspapers. The words on paper didn't come to my eyes. I left to the cyber room and searched for jobs. I did not want myself wasting time in the library. I wanted to do something. I prefer the feeling of me being alive and keep learning something, although it is really hard when it comes to me sitting down and studying. I contacted all the employers. Out of a sudden, I realised I lost my passbook. The only place I could have lost was the first floor in the library where I used to scan my passbook. However, it was gone and wasn't there. I quickly reported  to the bank that I had lost it. The clerk on the phone directed me clearly and kindly.

 

There were several things I had to do today. Those were, watching pinocchio dramas that I couldn't at home, calling the Ministry of Defence for info on enlistment, calling on the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to ask for the renewal of my passport and to find jobs. I called the Ministry of Defence and realised that my enlistment was postponed till 2019 as I was overseas. However, the person told me if I want to enlist earlier is also possible. There is this thing called 'prior enlistment check' that I need to apply to enlister earlier. I guess I will have to find out ways to get check on that. I am no longer a kid. I have to do things myself. The Ministry of Foreign Affair did not answer my call so I had to wait till tmr to make a call. Finished watching two drama episodes of Pinocchio and received a call from the workplace that I worked as flyer distributor. They told me that the payment was done already and asked me whether I can help them to work tomorrow till Sunday. I was so glad that I was offered another job from them as this job was really easy and the pay was good. I told them I will work only on 31st Dec, as I have work from 2nd Jan.

 

Hearing that the payment was done, numerous thoughts came in mind on how to use it. First thing that I want to do after getting my payment was to apply for gym. But I became more cautious as it was a money that I hardly got. Is something to consider for the next few days. I packed my bag in the library and began walking down. As I was walking down, I kept asking myself what can I do to make this holiday a useful one. Then, the Citizen's hall that was just beside the library came on my eyes. I saw a bunch of aunties practicing Nanta, a musical instrument. AH! Why I had never thought of it. The Suwon Citizen's hall was just beside my library for the whole time, yet I had never visited once. I went inside straight ahead to see what programs they offer. There was a banner inside and I checked them out. It showed a series of programs they provide and one that caught my eyes was 'Musical'. I am not talented but I do love performing it. I had once got the chance to perform as an auntie in a church Musical and I did love doing it a lot. However, the dates were somewhat not matching. I had part-time jobs till 18th Jan but most of the programs started at an early Jan. I called the call center on the banner and asked them whether there is any available slot for musical. There was two classes and one was for 'beginners' and the other was for 'performers'. The beginner class was already filled and the performer class still had some slots. I told the clerk about my past experience and asked whether I can be qualified to take the performer's class. She told me she is going to get back to me and got down my number. Having to know there exists a place where they educate people talents in a short period of time, I was glad yet regretted knowing so late.

 

I got a call on the way down from mom that asked me to come to a restaurant for dinner. Today was my sister's start of vacation and we had a dinner outside. We had a little conversation and got back home. I began searching much deeply into the one I saw at the citizen's hall. I realized there was actually much more. This place is not just in Suwon but also in any other cities. Thus, if I can't do the musical in Suwon, I can apply for the ones in other cities. Having various options, I began searching all of them while getting nagged by mom for using computer for long which was like 1 hour and more. Ha... There was another barrier when I was making the ID for this website as I had to use mom's phone to make it. Mom obviously asked me what was it for and she again, did not like the idea of it. She would scold me without knowing what I am doing there. She would think everything is a waste of life unless I sit down at the library and stay till 6 or 7 and get home. I do not like this life anymore. I wanna leave. I prefer my life in Sg where I was alone at home. I am not having the exact vacation I want. Maybe,, I am too greedy for hoping for such considering what I had done in Sg.

 

20 days past and there should be about 70 to 80 days left. I want to make most out of it. I realised.. time flies fast. Time wouldn't wait for me. Is on me to make the best use of it. My time is not the same as how others had spent their time. I can call my 19 years a fruitful experience but not a fruitful achievements.. If the society wants a full of achievements. there has to be a compromise for me either... It's time to make achievements.. Do not forget..

 

See you tomorrow..Youngsub.

 

Goodnight

Midnight in Suwon - Day 19

 

 

Woke up this morning after a deep sleep.

 

I hesitated whether I should wake for a several time during the sleep and decided to get up when it was nearing 9. As I moved my heavy body, mom started cooking breakfast and I moved into the other room to use computer to read the news.

 

Today is the day I was called up by the clothes retail shop to submit my photos. I only thought that I will be submitting photos and that would be all. Left home around 9:30, to get straight to the shop. When I reached, the mall hasn't opened as it was too early. I waited at a fast food restaurant for the opening time and got up to the shop that I am employed. As I reached, the full-timer collected my photos and asked me to wait for another hired part-timer as two of us have to get down to the hall for some workshops. I never had an idea I will be having one as I wasn't informed. However, it wasn't like I was busy. It was around 10:30 and the person told us to be back by 1:30 for the workshop. There was about three hours of time left so my workmate and I decided to drop by at the coffee shop to pass time. This time was also a girl colleague. I always get girl colleague. She was about 160cm and a bit chubby. Her name is Kyung Min. She was a bit of shy person and somewhat hard to get her to talk, unlike my previous colleague who opened up really easily.

 

We went down to the coffee shop called Pascucci. I drank hot choco. We began talking about each other's life. Asking about very basic things about each other. It was the most common conversation starter. The conversation often had a pause but didn't have that awkward silence. We had a lunch at the cafeteria and went in for the hall. As I opened the door, I was really shocked. I thought there would be like 3 to four people getting the workshop, but there was 80 people. All of them all for different shops but here to get workshop to get their work permit. The workshop had four chapters. First was to tour the mall in 30mins and memorize the location. Secondly was to learn the basic courtesy as an employee, nextly was the method of receiving the money. Lastly was an exam. Only people who pass the exam would get the work permit. Thinking that I will leave the mall just after giving the photos, it was too much of a series of shock to me. The whole workshop took until 7pm. Although I didn't really pretend to be studying for this exam, I was slightly nervous as I did not want anymore failures. Okay. I slacked quite bit. When the exam time came, the person began saying that we actually have no time for it and there would be no exam. I felt really relieved than feeling disappointed not to take the exam. I would prefer the easy way out.

 

We got up to our shop as our manager from that shop asked the two of us to report back after the workshop. We had a short debrief there and that was the end. As I was walking to the bus stop, I checked my phone and there were really a lot of missed calls from mom. I had not tell mom that I will be going to take this job. I did not tell because I thought she is not going to like it. I wanted to tell her someday but not today. It seemed like she knew about it. When I called her, she wasn't angry but merely asked me where am I with a worried tone. She said she was worried that my weak body was getting beaten by stronger teenagers at the street. I told her not to worry and I reached home. On reaching home, I confessed her about it. Surprisingly, she was not fussed up by it. She only told me this is going to be my last part-time job and that was all. Thinking back now I am so glad she allowed me. If she allowed me with some conditional background like, me waking up at 7am to study and leave for work, it could have been really troublesome. Thank God for it.

 

As I was having my dinner, mom would like any usual days, come and nag at me. She would bring a chopstick and a cup to pour her soju. This was what she did for all 19 days I was in Korea. I understood that she wants to have time with me that's why she waits for me for dinner... but I really didn't want to get scolded throughout the dinner time. It always made me hurry during meal time. This had been the case since young. Everytime during meal, mom would nag a lot. That brought me the habit to eat fast without chewing when I'm eating. Not able to take that in today, I asked her why she would always sit on when I'm having meal all the time. She got mad and really fussed up. And until now she is really angry, although it only happend 30 mins ago. It's gonna take really a long time as mom is really sensitive like me. I shouldn't have hurt her but I really do not like getting scolded during meal... actually I do not like being scolded.. haha..

 

This waking up in an awkward silence is going to repeat once again tomorrow morning. I hate this... Maybe.. I am too used to me living alone that I can't get adjusted to family life... My life being a group's life... Hope.. time flies fast till March when this things happen... But I will miss those times when I'm alone there.. What a dilemma...

 

However still.. thanks for living today, Youngsub.

 

Good night...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 18

 

 

The last day of flyer distributing job today.

 

Got up in the morning with another awkward silence again. This has become too normal. Dad and mom had a bit of quarrel the last night. Dad began cutting his finger nail when it was around 1 am and mom, being a conventional person she did not like it. There is this traidtion that if you cut your fignernail at night, you get the bad lucks. Having gone through a lot of bad things happening, she wanted to avoid any unlucky things at all means. They quarreled and today's sun rose.

 

Ate breakfast and read the sports news and waited for the time to get out. 12pm came so fast and had another lunch before I leave. I left home and reached the mall about 10 mins earlier. I bought two tickets for myself and my workmate to eat at the cafeteria beforehand so we can avoid the long queue at dinner time. It was already 1pm, when I got up to the shop and changed up and got ready for work. My workmate reached too and we separated to our own venue. Giving out the flyers, today had less people than yesterday. A lot of couples and family passing by, I should be someone that could spoil their mood as I interrupted when they were hugging or kissing to give out flyers. When people denied my flyers, I no longer feld disappointed. I began to see why they would and understand that there could be people like that. However, when I saw people tearing the flyers I gave and hear them saying that I am annoying, was still somewhat of hurtful.

 

When it was 5, it was already dinner time and my workmate came up to remind me. She would keep saying she is amazed. She just said, there was not many who actually approached her and ask questions about her. And when I gave her spoon and chopstick as I was taking mine, as we were queuing up for the food, she said I have great manners. But, those were really just habitual, not me being nice as a perosn.

 

There was one thought that came up to me. I began to realize how things had been. I would treat people in a way that I think is nice, and when someone misunderstands it as me treating the girl nice because I have different motive, it becomes a start of the person's misunderstanding. I guess that's what had happened to me for my first time. I would treat someone like how I would to anybody, not realizing it could cause a misunderstanding. The person misunderstands, and begin to think I have different motive on the person and that even leads to me differing in motives. This is totally my fault. Although there was no way I could know that was happening by that time as that was the very first, I shouldn't have been affected in my motive. It was the time when I learned what had happened to me, a year ago.

 

Work ended fast after the dinner break. It was around 8 and it was final end of the work. This work taught me lots of lessons. The true face of where I stand for now as a middle school graduate. As we ended work, we went to Smoothie king and she treated me a drink. We had a short conversation and we moved apart. As I was waiting for the bus, the sign said there is another 11 mins for the next bus to come so I decided to loiter around. After looking throug some of them I got back to the bus stop and reached home. That's for today.

 

Work finally ended and tomorrow will be another different day. Life, like an onion. The lesson so you learn in life is endless like peeling the coat of an onion. It is endless and limitless. Hope to learn from tomorrow and...

Good night...

 

Midnight in Suwon - Day 17

 

 

Watching the Year-End award event for KBS at the master room with sis and mom, forgot about writing the diary. Luckily mom noticed me about it and came down to the room to type. 

 

Today was all about part-time job too. Waking up in the morning about 9, it was awkward again due to a fight the last night. Mom and I had a quarrel because of me watching football. Boxing day which means there are a lot of matches within these few days for EPL, triggered me to watch some of the big matches. Plus that, there was one game that my house cable broadcasted on TV. As I had control of the remote control I quickly changed the channel into football. Mom began scolding me madly. She thought all the reasons for me failing in JC was football. It was partly correct but not all correct. She didn't like the idea of me doing anything that's involved in football. Exercise, watching and everything. Mom got fussed up and just turned her head to the other side and forced herself for a sleep. I felt guilty. I just thought I shoudn't have watched it. Because of me watching this, it spoiled the mood. Also, as I was so tired from work, not after so long, I fell asleep.

 

Waking up in this awkwardness of this cold wind blowing, I woke up and ate breakfast. Left the house quickly and reached the library. As soon as I reached the library, I began reading the newspapers. After glancing at some of them, unlike usual days, I got back to the study room to do some studies. Although I had a phone on my hand, I was able to stay bit more focused than usual days, as I had managed to sit down for quite a time.

 

When it was 12:40, I left the library and walked slowly to the mall. It was 1pm and I didn't realize as I had enough time. I ran down again, when I realized it was late. The workmate alr reached and began giving out at the fourth floor and I changed myself into the uniform and began working. I started giving out the flyers passionately as I had the energiesfor it. I began roaming around to give as there start to have people keep refusing to take as most began saying they already received it. Althought it's already been three days and I do know how it is like when people receive flyers, it was still hurtful when people reject my flyers. At times, when they say in an annoyed way that they do not want it, I felt like I was doing something wrong. Time past really fast and was already five. My workmate who really keeps her time sharply, came up to the sixth floor for dinner. We roamed around for place to eat and realized there was actually a cafeteria for the workers. It was pretty cheap as it only cost about 4 dollar per meal. We got up and work began so fast at 6. When I came down to refill the flyers, the worker there helped me to refill. However, the amount was really enormous considering the number of people that rejected my flyers. The work usually finished at 8 but I thought I had to finish the flyers that were in my bag before I actually get back to the shop. I began distributing madly going across the whole 6th floor from one mall to the other mall. It was a hard process but even at 8 I still had a lot of flyers left in my shopping bag.

 

Thus, realizing I will never finish my job at this place, I brought the shopping bag and moved to the Suwon Subway station only wearing my Working T-shirt that was only long-sleeve. Hoping that a lot of people will get the flyers and fnish the job soon, I gave out passionately. Then, there came the reality of life and a lot of thoughts that came to my mind. So many people..of so many races.. walking past by briskly to get home after work or party... All rushing off and in the middle of it a stranger giving out flyers. Korean people were cold like how the winds were. I desperately asked every single person to get the flyers but even when they had empty hands, most rejected to get the flyers. At first, I was really angry and thought why would they do this. If they actually think that the one who is giving out is your own son or friend, you wouldn't do this. It was just a mere thought of begging for compassion. However, this thought changed into more of a reality. This was the reality I was facing now. This giving out flyer part-time job, is the only job that I struggled to get and the only job that I can take for now. Being only a middle school graduate, I am unemployable. A person with only of this record and carrer, there is not a place I can go. This is the truth and the reality. This is how my life is going to be for the rest of my life if my education stops here or fails from now. Everyday standing up at the street for 8 to 9 hours giving out flyers and seeing people's annoyed faces. At times, going out to the Subway station to give out flyers among the crowd that rejects most of the flyers I give. The cold wind blowing and I have to stand it. This is the reality of my life..currently. Hope this experience somehow, can help me grow.

 

My workmate called me halfway and I told her to go home first as I have works left. Then, she told me that our work is only till 8 so I can report back now. I got back to the shop exhausted. Changed back and met my workmate. As we were talking about work today, she wanted to talk to me for a bit longer. We went to a fast food restaurant and sat down for a while. As I had mom nagging me at home, I told her I can only stay for a while. She treated me an ice cream and we just talked about each other's interest and matters. We had some commnalities like hoping to work in Football team's admin. And once again, she was amazed the whole day that I could communicate with her. Seeing her, I could feel that she had lots of worries and sorrowness that she couldn't share with anybody here in Suwon. Living alone in here without parents, she seemed to be missing home somewhat. Maybe it is because I also do have experience of staying alone without family that allowed me to understand how she feel. Hope we can be greater friends.

 

As we were leaving the fast food restaurant, she suddenly asked me if I am to live till 90 years old, what would matter most to me except for cash. Without a moment of thought I told her Credit Card. She didn't want anything related to money so I told her respirator. I will need respirator to live so long till 90. Then, she said it shouldn't include anything of physical things and I wasn't able to answer her question. She told me to think till tmr and it was kind of homework.

 

What would matter most to me if I am to live till 90. Hmm... I guess it should be people around me. You don't live alone. Family, friends would most probably matter the most. I thank for the people I have currently in my life. All those people I met throughout in my life have taught me numerous lessons and they are the creators of Youngsub I am now. Hope I can be someone like that to other people and give help at some point in time.

 

The night is here again.And..

 

Good night...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 16

 

 

Annyunghaseyo. Gamsahapnida

 

The midnight is here again.

Christmas is gone, and the mood is still remaining into pieces. Waking up in the morning around 8am, realised dad left for work and sis was preparing for school. It was so harsh that she still had to go school after a holiday mood. As soon as she left, mom rushed me to get up in an indirect way by saying i can sleep 30mins more. I just got up from there and wore a jacket and got into the other room to use laptop. I read all the sports news and all the facebook messages.

 

After a while, mom brought breakfast and had a heavy one as I will be working hungrily later on. After finishing my meal, as mom again pressed on to me to leave the place, I dropped the spoon and left the room. I live under all the pressures within this house. I somewhat washed my hair and prepared for work. Work was to be at 1pm so it was pretty early. I first, got to the library. The December's cold wind surrounded the whole body and it felt colder than yesterday.

On reaching the library, I left my bag at my designated seat and left the study room to read the newspapers at the corridor. After reading two or three papers, I got back to the room to do my own studies. However, reading books and studying for the 'Wordprocessor' exam didn't come handy. I just didn't want to study. Studying is only a good idea when I'm at home resting. I left the room to the cyber room and checked for any part-time jobs available. Then, I suddenly remember the SMS I received the day before. As I was distributing the flyers at the plaza yesterday, I received a SMS from the retail shop that I had gone for the interview that I actually passed the interview and she apologised for a late notice. I was wondering what good thing I did to pass this interview. Anyways, as I had the choice on my hand, I guess I became picky. The job was to work 17days from 2nd Jan to 18th Jan. The pay was good. On finishing the job, I would get about 850,000. Oh shit. I didn't know is this much till I had to calculate for the reader of this blog. OMG. I can buy decoration for this blog alr. Oh my god..

 

Anyways, I became hesitant as the job required me to work the full day. I did not want to work the full day as mom wouldn't like the idea of it. However, there were not many jobs I can take as not many people hired me either. I had to take it. And as I thought I no longer have to work after this job, I thought taking this job would really be a great idea. But really oh shit. 850,000won is big money.

wah..It's about little bit more than 1000bucks. Wahhh..

 

I left the library when it was 12:45. It was bit late when I realized I was late. I ran down to the plaza. It's the same habit either I was in Korea or Sg. Being late and running for venue has been so often. Before I reached the place, the manager at the Headquarter called me to ask about how my work was yesterday and asked me to do a good job for today too. He also gave a short notice that there will be another person giving out flyers today. Even when I was rushing, I really hoped the person would be a girl. In a high spirit of getting new friend, I smiled and rushed down to the shop. When I reached, it was around 1:02. I rushed down really madly. As I was holding my breathe wildly, a girl that I didn't see before said hi to me smiling such angely. I really hoped she is going to be my company. I put in my stuff at the locker and changed into the uniform. I got out of the changing room and waited for the manager to give me the flyers. The manager came to me and her and began giving the instruction. I was so happy that I have a workmate now. So happy that is girl too. She seemed very cheerful and friendly. She began talking to me first by asking me where to go innocently. I tried to keep my smiles in and directed her in a formal manner. I knew work is work and private things must be kept in other place. I have to be super professional on my job.

 

The shop was at 5th floor so either of us had to be stationed at the escalator that goes up from 4th floor or at the escalator that goes down from the 6th floor. I told her where she would prefer gently and she picked the 6th floor. It was great for me too as 4th floor was the place I worked the day before. We separated and I got to the 4th floor to give out the flyers. As I was giving out, halfway through, everybody who came up all had the flyers. It was so weird as there was nobody giving the flyers downstairs. I at first thought its some different shop giving the flyers. However, the flyer was the same as mine. I got down to see what was happening. The girl was there. I asked her why she is there and she said everybody who came up had the flyers that I gave, so she came to the third floor. I felt she was really cute haha. We decided that she goes up to the fourth floor to give and I go to the 6th floor to give as I was more experienced at this job so I was willing to give in a bit for her.

 

6th floor was super boring and a hard job. I expected a lot of people to be there as there was a famous family restaurant 'Outback' and beside was the cinema. However, there was really less people. And most people there already received the flyer from my workmate. I thought that I shouldn't be just remain constant in front the escalator but extend my moving area. I started roaming around to give the flyers. It was super dizzy. People were coming in three different directions. And as some people already received the flyer from me and came back to the spot again, they seemed a bit annoyed when I offer them again. I wouldn't really know whether I had given the flyer to the person, as I look at the hand not the person's face when I give out. Halfway through, one worker from the shop that was beside came to get a flyer from me. She was pretty too. A bit later on, she approached me again. I thought she like me. She began asking in a bit aggressive way what are you talking about in this flyer. She asked so fiercely that I thought she want to fight with me. She asked whether the price written on this flyer is the real price or there is another discount to be deducted. I didn't have any idea so I told her sorry and will get back to her when I know.

 

The process of work was really slow compared to how fast it was on Christmas. The manager from the shop that was beside seemed like she had something to say and approached me. She said how am I gonna finish the work if I am so hesitant. She gave me various advices and asked the workers in her shop to get my flyers. She even asked me to give out flyers to people who were sitting down at the bench. I felt thankful as she was caring towards me. She is one type of boss that anybody would want to get. That was the time I got my confidence and begin giving out the flyers passionately. I gave out the flyers almost by forcing them to grab it. I extended my working range by leaving my spot and going to another mall that was connected to the plaza I was giving out. There were so many people there as the cinema was there and all the different restaurants located. The flyers that I had been giving out for 3 hours began to be given out within 15minutes. It was like watching a Youtube video that is keep loading all the while and suddenly begin loading fast. As I came back after giving out all the flyers that were in my hand, there was my manager waiting for me at the venue. He told me that a customer brought the bag that had flyers in back to the shop. I left the bag at the escalator and just left the place. I told him I had been doing my job at other place. He left and I carried my bag around when I had to leave the place.

 

Around 5, my workmate appeared out of nowhere to tell me it was dinner time. She seemed so happy and delight haha. She asked me where was the employee's food hall. I told her there is no such place for employees in here. She seemed so surprised and asked whether the shop will pay for our meal. I said no and she seemed shocked again. She had various reactions haha. She began fidgeting where to go and I told her there is Burgerking on the left side and without a single moment, she suggested to go BK. Seemed like she like it a lot.

 

We talked a bit awkardly and ordered the food. We took a seat and began talking. It was a bit awkward but I could see her trying and I myself tried not to be awkward too. But still, I did not want to be someone I am not. I really wanted to be myself regardless of however this friendship is going to end up. Being called fake, it kept stoppped me from reacting the way I reacted usually. I had second thoughts before my actions now. The  conversation was somehow smooth by asking what she was up to and what I was up to. Then suddenly, I just wanted to ask whether she had a boyfriend, not in a wicked motive but just had this question in mind suddenly appeared. She covered her mouth smiling and said that she thinks she has but is not. Thus, I used the teenager slang which is Some Nam Some Nyu which means the girl and guy have something on but they are not tgt. She laughed again and said that she is telling so many things when we just met. I listened to her worries and there were actually some parts that I could agree on to her. She wasn't a native from Suwon. She lived in Jeonnam and came up here to study at Suwon University. As I had to live alone in Singapore, we had some commonalities and began talking about it and heard her worries. She suddenly said it was so amazing. It is a bit embarrassing to write it in here by myself but she said that she is amazed by my friendly personality as she had never seen a person like me. I wanted to be humble so I said I'm not so amazing but just nice. Another thing she said is that she is amazed that I can understand all her worries, when her something-boy did not understand anything that she said. The guy only wanted to say his problems but did not want to listen to her problems. I am not really a person who is good listener but I was so thankful to hear such praise. We really had a good conversation and she kept remained amazed. We got up to the park at the rooftop and had few talks. She told me that I should be popular in school as I am friendly and I said yes I am.

 

As we left the rooftop for work again, we really got closer. She is 24 and I really do like her as sister. She is really friendly and I am so grateful that I have become a help to her by listening to her problems. So thankful that I have made a new friend. The fact that made me realize we became closer was when she began conspiring how we should make this job end earlier. She told me that we meet up around 7:40 and get back to the shop so we can leave earlier. We agreed and left for work. After that was a fast two hours of distributing flyers and it was over. We left the plaza together and she went to gym on her own way and I left to my house on my own way.

 

On reaching home, dinner (sam gyup sal) was ready for me. How great it is to have someone always making dinner for me on time. Had my dinner and now at another room writing my today's story. Such great day making new friend that I can talk to. Hope this friendship could last. Thank God and wishing myself for another grateful day.

Thank you and..

 

Good night.

Midnight in Suwon - Day 15

 

 

Merry Christmas

 

All the christmas trees and decorations were all meant for today. 25th December although itself has its Christian meaning that Jesus came to Earth, to most people these days, Christmas would mean spending with your loved ones and symbolizes that a year is coming to an end.

 

Christmas began by waking up at 3am for diarrhea. I ate too overly before the sleep last night and had to wake up at 3am throw all of them out. Watched a TV show as I couldn't go for a sleep straight away. Later on, waking up around 9 in the morning, it wasthe normal Christmas that I could remember for our family. Dad wouldn't be home for work and mom, sis and I would be peacefully in the living room watching TV. All the movies that are showing for Christmas seasons like 'Home Alone, Harry Potter series and etc. added onto the mood of Christmas. Lazing out in the morning waiting for the time to get out for work. The work that I finally got was to be at 1pm so I had plenty of time before I got out. Had a breakfast and waited for time to pass. When it was around 12, I began bathing and left the house.

 

On reaching the shop at the AK plaza, the manager directed me to another employer whom I was supposed to follow him to carry two boxes of goodiebags from a store room. He was a nice person to talk to. We had a good time talking to each other along the way. I'd thought in me, that... being friendly is the right way... Mom told me I myself doesn't have any specific character or have a particular strong character for myself and said I was boring.. But i do not regret being this way, because I wouldn't be able to talk to a stranger fluently without  being so and the praise that the other employer told me that I'm friendly, was enough to make me forget about what mom said.

 

On carrying the goodiebags back to the shop, I carried my own flyers and went down to the place that manager told me to station at. It was in front the escalator that moved up to the floor that shop was located at. I stationed and started distributing the flyers busily. Never in my life, I had said "annyunghaseyo" and "Gamsahapnida" so much. I assure I had said it more than ten thousand times. As it was Christmas, most of the guests were couple. One thing i found out, was that girls receive the flyer more often that guys do. Also, if I shout hello louder, the moer they will tend to receive. On realizing the pattern, I made use of it and finished distributing really a lot of flyers that i went up to take another box of flyers within an hour. As i went up to the shop to collect new set of flyers, I was sooo overwhelmed by the happiness to see all the people who had actually received my flyers, purchasing stuff at the shop. I felt like I am a big part of the shop now.

 

 

 

When it was 6, the manager allowed me for dinner and I was given an hour's break. This Part time-job is really a good one. I get a good one hour rest and all I have to do is to give out the flyer without describing all anything.

 

I went down to the basement to see what cheap foods I can find. After realizing the value of money through working myself, I really didn't want to spend much money. The cheapest I could find was Tukboggi which I just ate with Jun two days ago. After eating quickly I left the place to go up to the rooftop, as I saw an advertisement that there was a futsal court at the rooftop.

 

 

adidas all in Futsal Court

 

 

                                                     took a selfie in the toilet like how teens do

 

Seeing the futsal court, it aroused the feeling of being on field and playing. Getting back all the memories I had in JC futsal court. Actually, the December's cold wind overwhelmed my whole body that I couldn't think of anything. I quickly got into a hall beside the futsal court that was heated. Seeing people who seemed like about my age coming up to the rooftop to see the futsal court, bragging about their skills, I thought myself, "I played futsal for two years". Although this was a sad fact, I was at that time proud myself.

 

When it was 7, I got down to the shop to carry my flyers. I distributed the flyers happily as I had my energies back. When people smile and say thanks it was the happiness to carry on. Especially when girls do. I distributed the flyers madly, and I finished all the flyers again. I was supposed to work till 10pm, so I moved up to collect another set of flyers. However, the manager told me to go home. SOooo lucky. He told me take a rest and come back tomorrow. He is an angel from the sky. I got out feeling achieved. Reached home, and came back home like a dad that came back from work with breads on one hand for the family. I felt like I'm the breadwinner for my family as I literally bought breads for myself when I came home.

 

Tomorrow would be another day of this job. Hopefully, when I get an opportunity, I could get a different job as I want to have different experience in different jobs. Such meaningful day today.

 

Hope, tomorrow will be more fulfilling and achieving than I was today. Thank you Youngsub and Merry Christmas to all.

 

Midnight in Suwon - Day 14

 

 

Christmas is coming.

Although the christmas trees are in place either was i in Singapore or Korea, the snows that are on the ground heatens up the feeling of the Christmas. Carol songs played everywhere in every shop, the TV shows that air Christmas special adds on to the mood. Christmas has come once again.

 

What is a Christams to me... Christmas hmm what I could remember the most is family. Actually, mom and sis only. Dad being workaholic, he was at work regardless of Sunday or Monday, although he reached home relatively earlier. Watching Television shows on Christams with sis at home, seeing the snows dropping from the sky. White Christmas was pretty often from what I remember. Would at times go out to the school playground to play snowballs or build snow man. It's all the memories that lie in me.

 

Today began in the morning at about 9:30. It was pretty late and as soon as I woke up, I got to the other room to check my computer. I checked whether there was any job I could take. Contacting almost every job I could apply, I left the room for breakfast. I applied for all the jobs really with the spirit that I must take on something. I've been failing the job interviews and did not get back replies from the employers for so often. I'd thought, I shoud really get it. Finishing my breakfast, I washed my hair somewhat and prepared to go out. Carrying my bag, left home. There is always a feeling when closing the door. Me, being out on the world. Facing all the cold winds all on my own, without family. Such a weird thing, as it supposed to be the other way. Lived so long all on my own, I shouldn't be feeling lost when I'm out my house.

 

Reached library again and got to the cyber room straight ahead. I had to check all the new part-time job advertisements and contact them. After an hour or two, one of them contacted me. It was the flyer distributor that I had rejected when I had gone out with mom to the shopping mall. They told me that I am at the waiting list for the job. It was such weird receiving a call for being in the waiting list for a part-time job. I felt, they really were handling the job seriously. Another hour later, they called me back to confirm me about the job. I was sooooo glad that I finally got a job. It was such long way getting the job. I could feel the joy of a fresh graduates from college getting his first job in the world. I was that happy. Korea, hitting one million people with unemployment by number, I just realized the true reality of it. Even getting a part time job was so hard. Everytime I call the company directly, the call will always be held as most of them were already talking to other callers. It was that competitive. Thus, the more pleasant I got when I get accepted for this job. Later on, I got another call from a clothing retail shop that asked me to come for an interview with my resume. I had not much idea what to write for my resume so I listed down my experience of staying overseas and printed out with a photo that I took for application to SIM. Around 4pm, I left the library. I dropped by at the clinic to collect back my Health certificate as many employers wanted it. Then, I hurried myself to the retail shop at AK plaza. On walking, the thought of words that mom said kept wandering in my mind. 'You are full of fakes and pretense'. It came more damaging as I admit it is true to some extent. I was just afraid... people will see everything in me as fake...

 

I am not a nice person. Neither am I a funny person.

 

But, there is one thing I do stick into. Whether other people call me fake or not, it doesn't matter. They are speaking the truth but it still doesn't matter. Because, I am trying to be a nice person because I'm not. And I do believe that one day, as I try myself to become a nice person, one day the kindness and the nice attitudes would be lying on my spirit. I think.. staying as who you are and as a selfish person under the excuse that that is who you are isn't right. While, respecting everybody's personality, if I do have someone who I want to be, I feel, that I should strive to be one. Trying to be someone that who you are not, should be called as an effort, not pretense..

 

All those wild thoughts that reducing my confidence, I reached the retail shop. Although I kept reminded myself to be confident, it wasn't as easy. I faced the manager and she told me selling shouldn't be so easy. Normally, I would answer someone by giving an extravagant expression to impress someone.. But at that moment.. my mouth really couldn't say anything.. I was afraid of the words that mom told me.. I was afraid. that other people would say the same thing.. Because.. when more than two parties agree onto it, it becomes more convincing than one.

Awkward silence past and she broke the silence by saying that she would get back to me about the interview result by tonight. And till now at this point of time, I did not receive a call so I failed again.

On leaving the retail shop, I slapped myself and regretted. Why Why WHY Really WHY... Why did you youngsub... You already realized the feeling of regrets after the first job interview a week ago and why do this.. Why do things that would make you regret again... Ha... A low sigh came out and walked slowly to the bus stop.

 

Reached home, and mom was again there to open the door. I had my dinner and waited for dad to be home. It was christmas eve and mom wanted the family to go out to have a beer. While mom and I were waiting, dad called mom. While mom was talking, she screamed. I really hoped it was some good news. After waiting for sometime, realized it was some bad news as I heard mom scolding dad. It was a car accident that dad got. As dad was driving, another card tried to overtake dad's car and hit dad's car badly. The driver didn't stop by and just ran away. Dad drove to catch the hit-and-runner and he caught the driver. The part that mom was fussed up is that dad didn't call police. Dad did not want to make things known and just wanted to settle within the two of them. The runner told dad that he would pay by insurance and left. Mom was so angry that dad did not call police as the runner might run away again and not give the money for the repairment.

 

Dad reached home in silence and just smiled at me. Mom suddenly became silent too and she broke the silence by asking dad to sit for the dinner. The silence broke smoothly but mom and dad did not talk much about the car accident.

 

My sis reached home after her friend's bday party and we left to the bar. Mom ordered three beer and one sprite for sis, and like usual, the person asked me for my IC. Mom and dad was so used to this usual happenings and told them that I am no longer teenager. The person left us suspecting still. Ordered pizza and had a talk for a while and left the pub.

 

As we reached home, it was time for sis to do her work. Sis again, did not want to do any homework at all. It was the same time where I began getting lazy. I began not doing my work at all since Sec 4 which is like 16. She is 14 now so it came earlier. Maybe becos girls get puberty earlier. Since I was her teacher, she told me that she didn't wanna do her work at all as today is christmas eve. I knew how she should feel as even myself when I am the student, wouldn't wanna do any work. Willing for a negotiation, I asked her to take a seat for a talk. She shouted screaming that she doesn't wanna do any work. I compromised with her to finish her work tomorrow even though tmr is Christmas. I know it won't be as easy when it comes tomorrow. Tomorrow will be even harder as she goes out with her friends and is the actual christmas. I know compromise is another term for procrastination.. but having to know the feeling of doing works, I couldn't force her, as even I was not a hardworking student.

 

And now, I am writing this diary in the living room. Hearing dad's snoring and typing on the keyboard at this night.

 

Midnight is going to pass and its gonna be a christmas.

 

What is Christmas to you?

 

What memories do you have in Christmas?

 

Hope... it would be a caring one for one another to you..

 

Merry Christmas.

 

 

 

 

Midnight in Suwon from Day 1 to Day 11

http://midnightinsuwon.blog.com/

Midnight in Suwon – Day 13

 

Feeling anew, with the new blog that I got.

Although I am not yet so comfortable with the new layouts and the color of this blog, I am pretty satisfied that this blog doesn't cause troubles when uploading musics and photos(hopefully)

This morning began by studying mom's feelings. Had a short quarrel with mom the last night as she was unhappy I was using com for so long. It took about 3 hours as I had to write the blog and fix it as it had big problems. I need to get used to the new surroundings. Before, as I stayed alone and there was nobody to nag at me, I was all free and could do anything I wanted. Maybe.., the objection that comes out from my heart is the strong reluctance in my body to get away from the habits that lie too comfortable within me.

 

Mom seemed like she was pretty fine. She asked me when would I want the breakfast and the awkward silence stopped. Mom, although she can really be annoying when she is nagging all day, she is really someone nice to talk to. Talking to her while I was having my breakfast, I broke her with a notice that I am meeting my friend, Jun today. She wasn't surprised as she actually knew I was going to meet him sooner or later. On finishing the last stripe of noodles, I dropped the chopstick and went to the other room to talk to my friend when and where to meet. It was hard deciding the place as both of us didn't want to meet nearby our houses' area but wasn't aware of any places to meet. Thus, he suggested that we meet at Gangnam. It was the place that gives an idea of city and a feeling of being outside. It could be considered as taking 700A to get to Orchard or town area in Singapore. I prepared myself and left home with mom. Mom had to send a mail at the post office so she followed for a while. First, we dropped by at the ATM to withdraw some money. It was the very first time when mom and I both withdrew money together at the same time. Always, being a child receiving pocket money from mom, bank was somewhere far off from me. I would always wait outside the bank while waiting for mom to come back. It was a start of new memories.

 

She went to the post office and I took my own way to the subway.

It was a long journey to Gangnam. It took me 3 transits and took an hour to reach. As I was on the train, seeing all the people who were sitting down, I felt awkward and weird. I felt like I am a stranger. I no longer had the feeling of belonging. Usually, when I came to Korea before during the holidays, I would feel like I am home and being one of them. However, I guess.. I am a foreigner now. Just standing up myself in this small space of train, I feel like everyone is looking at me and felt weird myself. Korea, which is my home has become some place that is hard to approach and so new. I do hope I can join the society and be one of them while shining as myself, Youngsub.

 

On alighting, it was already 1:15pm, while we were supposed to meet at 1. I thought Jun would surely be shivering in cold as he should have reached earlier than me. He only lived about three stations before Gangnam. Walking up one of the so many exits in Gangnam, I looked around to see where he was. He wasn't around and as I waited for a minute or two, a familiar face walked to me smiling. I felt awkard. He did plastic surgery on his nose and eyes. It was new friend that I didn't know. He had just done the surgery so the swell was still there on the eyes. It was so weird. His face had totally changed. The kind of humor I felt together with his face had changed as he had a new face. It was pretty weird but they always say that when you either get a new name or new face you begin to have a new life. I hope his second journey of life is as amazing either.

 

We poured out the talks that we had not shared for long and started finding places to eat.

He wanted to eat flour based food like Tukboggi. As we were walking, we found one place that seemed so cozy. We got in and ordered the food.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                           

 we left a sign that we were there at the blackboard.

 

We had a conversation for a while after eating and thought of what to do. Thing we can do was still the same either in Sg or in Korea. We only thought of going to lan shop, Singing room, cinema or multi-room. Multi-room was only available in Korea and as both of us didn't have any experience on here we felt new. The multi-room allows people to watch tv, movies, sing song, play Wiii and internet surfing. It was basically a room for multi-purposes. We found one after a long walk, and the price was really affordable. It was 10000Won for three hours for person, so its about 12 bucks. 

 

 

 

His face was weird but we enjoyed like as if it wasn't weird. Had a long time for three hours and didn't know time was passing. Ended so fast and it was time for good bye. As we left each other at Gangnam station, a different feeling that I expected came approach me.

I'd thought I would feel more of loneliness and missing the enjoyment. However, I felt regretable...

 

I did not really enjoy myself as I was singing and dancing. Just had a thought... what am I doing.. and what mom would think to imagine me singing and dancing so joyfully. I regret... what have I done to my life... what was all those for.. to make my parents shoulder so heavy.. letting them down so much.. and to make my whole family suffer.

What was all these for....

Who am I, and where am I walking to.

How are you so thick-skinned to wear a happy mask on your face when all these had happened.

Who are you.. and what are you

 

I realised, I can no longer enjoy till I have done something successful to make my life up.

It's time for me to do something that can grow me.

Something more valuable and learning, rather than playing and enjoying.

Hope, not just my mind realize it but my body can follow either...

On reaching back, it was really crowded in the train, that everybody was so close to each other. It was so packed till I could see other people's phone screen and what they were typing or playing. I saw a lady's message with her boyfriend. She seemed like she was at her end twenty's if I'm not wrong. They seemed so caring and sweet....

The love that I did wasn't love.

Mom was right.

She always tell me I'm full of pretense. Study, to get praised. Do good deeds to get praised. Treat other people well to get praised...

Maybe.. she is really right.

I'm a bad person.

I've got long to learn.

The thought of myself that I am nice was such a rude thought. Receiving what other people's praise is really a rude attitude.

The love that I did was not love. Maybe.. the love that caused the both parties to be hurt might be my fault.. No. It's my fault. not maybe.

It was too much, to say it was a learning experience. When things come into other person's life, nothing can be covered with excuses. I..am the bad one.

 

As the cold winds slapped both from left and right, wild thoughts passing through and reached home. Knocking on the door, mom's voice was heard back. Mom's voice that welcomed me warmed my heart. Once again, no matter what, I am so lucky now to have someone waiting for me at home...

 

Mom asked me several curious questions she had about today's outing and I waited for dad to be home for dinner.

It was 9pm and dad reached home. We began eating dinner and the conversation flew on and it somehow reached the point where mom suddenly asked me if i had a girlfriend in a curious but joking tone. I did not know how to react. I said no but my face really blushed chili-red. I had never felt myself turning red. Even my ears turned red. Mom began laughing and pointing at my ears that I was really blushing and she kept questioned that I really should be having one. Then, she continued that she had actually gone to a fortune-teller to ask about me. She visit the fortune-teller really often, being insecure about my future. This is something I should feel sorry to her about.

She told me that the fortune-teller told mom that I had a girl. But a girl, that was a friend that counselled me well but not a girlfriend. The fortune-teller said that the girl was really a nice person and was a Korean girl.

To some point it was correct as I have a friend called Sinyoung who is really a good friend. She became friends with me when I was retaking O-levels. At the point of time, she was also preparing to get into a uni so we were both having a hard time and I guess that timeframe had made us more bonding.

I left the dinner quickly to avoid any further questions. I hope mom wouldn't know about my relationship story till it is the right time where she can trust me and feel relieved about my future. 

 

Typing at the keyboard looking at the new white screen of this blog, reflecting all the memories of 23rd December...

 

The night is passing and the night in Suwon's winter is long.

 

Hope tomorrow is full of achievements..

 

Good night.. youngsub...