Midnight is here again.
The storm just passed. Had a big quarrel with mom. The heaviest of all since I came here. I feel rather clear and digested now after screaming like mad. I feel like I had told mom about all my feelings and what I hate so much about her words. It's a day before new year but it doesn't matter. It's just a day of December.
Today began earlier than others did. I woke up at 9 but nobody woke up except dad at that time. Ha.. I keep thinking of the quarrel just now. I gotta calm down.
I bathed in the morning and did not eat any breakfast as I had eaten heavily the last night. I quickly prepared as I had lots to do today. I couldn't wait to get out of house as I didn't really like staying here. I first went to the bank to renew my passbook. It took a while and as I was waiting for my passbook to be renewed, I saw a guy whom I had seen this June when I came for hols. Neither was he my schoolmate or neighbour but was a mere stranger then. I was walking to the bus stop to meet my old friend and suddenly one guy who was looking at his reflection on the car's windown came to talk to me. He began his words by asking how old I am and began somewhat of weird conversation. He was the same age as me and began talking so comfortably. He asked me what high school am I in and I told him frankly that I am not a high school graduate. He had such long hair and his appearance didn't seem like he do study seriously. He told me that he at least graduated from high school although he is doing nothing now. He was so shocked and called me gangster and walked away then. I met him after six months in the bank. Although that time I kind of avoided him in fear of stranger but now I can feel the change in me. I wanted to talk to him being glad like as if I had met an old friend. But I couldn't really go and approach him because I'd thought it would create too much noise within the bank. But still, I could feel the change in me as I was really glad to see him.
On leaving the bank, I then went to the Sauna that I used to go. The sauna had a huge gym and I wanted to ask about the fees. After that, I topped up my ez-link and walked while thinking whether should I go to the hospital. It was orthopedics hospital that I needed to go as I had injuries on my hand. I had this injury from Sg, when I was playing futsal with friends during Pegasus program period. My friend, Rashvin kicked the ball hard and as I was trying to knock it out, it hit my hand really hard that I couldn't fold my fingers. It got much better since then but I still have pains when I do handshakes. I was hesitating to go to hospital, as if the injury was bad till having bandages on, I wouldn't be able to do the flyer distributing job that was today, and the job that starts on Friday. But, there were so many things that has to be settled yet I won't have much time after getting the part time job. I decided to go to the hospital and see how it goes. Luckily, after taking the X-ray, the doctor told me the injury isn't that bad till to put on the bandage, and medicines would do. As I was relieving myself, the doctor told me "But of course, it could have been better if you had the cure done at the time you got injured. Like you see, you should study when you are taking the exam not after you fail the exam". Althoug that was just a phrase to give comparison but it came to me nearer.
The nurse directed me to physical cure department. There was two physical cures that I had to take. First was to get paraffin cure and the other was laser.
The second pic shows the paraffin cure. That's not a glove that's paraffin. When you put a clean hand insdie that pot, and take it out after 10 seconds, you get that. I had to repeat that for three consecutive times. As I was taking this cure, I began talking to the elderly sitting beside me. He had shingles disease.
I left the hospital and received the medicine and looked at the watch. It was already 12:05 pm. I should have got out earlier. I was supposed to go to Samsung center to fix my mp3 but I didn't ahve time. I was supposed to reach by 1pm for work so I decided to walk up the mountain to go to the library that I usually go. I had my lunch which is sandwich as I was walking. Also, as I was walking I thought through some of the thoughts that came across me. Firstly was about what the doctor said. He basically meant, you should do things when it is the right time. When you are a student, it is the right thing for you to study. When you are on holidays, it is the right time for you to relax. The other thinking that came to me was mom. About mom's role in my life. Coming to hospital alone was the first time when I was in Korea. I would get all help from mom for everything if she's around. But, for now I am doing everything on my own. All on my own initiative. But then I thought...If I do everything.. and get independent.. where goes mom's role... My conclusion was that mom wouldn't want to be someone's mom when I'm so grown like this. Theere is a reason for the word independent. Although, there are still places for mom's role.. Like listening to mom's advice. If I do not listen to mom's advice like how I do now, where goes her role? Having to quarrel with mom so many times and even ytd night about doing my own learning.. and always deciding all on my own and not listening to mom if she does not conform with my thought.. I began to ask myself about her role... I should listen to her.. But... when I feel that she deny all I do... and do not believe in me... I really get upset... and really feel sorrowful...
Had a really short time in the library and got to work. I changed up and began distributing at the fourth floor as I was the only one working today. I thought it's gonna be a really easy job as fourth floor is really easy. However, I was super hungry when it only reached 3:30. I still had 1 hour and 30mins to go before dinner yet I got really hungry as I only had a sandwich till then. I wanted to go for a meal halfway but I did not as I shouldn't. As I had no energies at all, I began giving out like zombies. I merely stood and placed a hand in front of them. Even on times I shout at people to get, people don't get and now I was merely placing my hand without saying anything. Obviously, very very few people got my flyers.
After having a great dinner, I got up to the roof top garden to think through of what had happened throughout the year... It is basically a regretful year. Full of regrets. There is nothing positive I can clearly find actually. Flipping through my stories of 2014 from January to December.. My story this year is just divided into clear three sections. From Jan to May and from June to August and august till now. Jan to May, was the period where I was in relationship. I spent the whole time with her and it was the time when I avoided any new relationship with other people. It was the period that changed my personality too. I got protective. And I also did not like meeting new people. The idea that I have someone who will always be with me made me avoid friends and having a girlfriend was so much different from being a single. It was the life of two being one, not life of two being two. During this period, I had a learning experience but I missed being alone a lot.. Things were so different from what I had thought a relationship to be and being in relationship in the end suffocated me. I was too unexperienced for love. I did not know what love is and just jumped in. Why this remains the regret.. is not because of time.. or not because I had retained.. It is because it is the first time... my mistake affecting other person. The very first time... That is why.. I still regret till now. June to August is the period that got me freedom on the surface but more suffocating for me inside. She did not let me go. Although it needed two parties to love but it also needed two parties two apart. She did not let me leave. I couldn't take being in relationship anymore.. But she wouldn't understand..why I couldn't carry on. Even after the break-up, she would appear anywhere... I was single and had freedom on the surface... but deep in, I had a series of nightmares everyday hoping for freedom. It made me think.. I can never leave her.. I can never leave this love once I had stepped in... It was the most suffering time... as even the close friends I had or those who I'd thought to be left me. I felt all alone. Everybody's stare looked like was looking down on me.. and all the blames for the break up seemed like it was directed to me. She, crying in school canteen. telling her stories and what I did to every others including myclose friends too... that made me... alone. Even when I go to general office... even teachers there would talk about it gossip about it..giving me the sarcastic jokes and advice and at times scold me why I did that to her. Those times were really times that I hated school for the first time. The feeling of being betrayed by what I loved the most was the most painful..
As time past till September.. like all the rumors do.. It swept past like those Autumn's leaves. I began to get back my smiles and although there still were people interrogating me.. there were really less doing so... The business of J1 and J2's exam that was upcoming made people to really mind only own their own business. This was the time.. where I began prefer to be alone. This is really clearly shown by me avoiding to go for soccer trainings. I gave excuses like wantingto study at home and did not atten every soccer trainings. I skipped schoool really often and avoided all social gatherings. I moved church from Korean church that I used to go for the past five years to the one that was just in front my house and didnot even attend usually. Being used to myself alone, I preferred to be alone. Staying at home all times,, I think this was the time that I began finding alternatives to occupy my time. Which is my regret that I did not use this time for studies but I found the alternative : gaming. I got actually addicted I guess during that time. this was a crucial period for me as exam was coming and yet I really played hard. There was nobody to care about me and all those nags from friend didn't came to me as I ignored them.
Obviously, I had failed badly for exam. It was October. The year was passing. There came pegasus programs. And the school was reallyending. This pegasus period time. This November period. This time..was I guess the time where I began to have more of a relaxed mind. I began to calmly see things back and think. Each day.. learning new lessons. Looking back about my past relationships and others.
I got back to Korea and spending a holidays now. If you'd ask me about my mind set now. Okay. Asking myself about it. I clearly can see a difference between me when I was in Sg and when I'm here. Actually, to be honest, even after getting the exam result and knowing I failed... I still did not feel anything.. I only felt that even I have to be moved back to Korea for good, it was the result that I had produced and is all my fault. I felt like I deserved them.Also, the numerous failures that I got without success made me feel complacent about failures. Even after failing, I still played game when I was supposed to find out alternatives schools like how mom asked me to. I was still lacking in terms of discipline and was really lazy. Comparing myself with that time. I can see a clear difference. I am doing something. Occupying my time everyday and doing something. Writing diaries about my day everyday and trying to do new things and learn. Trying to wwalk along the trees, think and regret and learn about life. I am breathing.. now.
Getting back from dinner, I felt guilty and I decided to do much more than usual to cover back my zombie work in the afternoon. There was a box where all the flyers are and I put everything in the box in my shpping bag and decided to finish that box of flyers. I gave out really crazily and finished all this in just 7:40. It was really a good work. I felt achieved too.
Having to achieve so much, I'd thought i would feel great on the way back home. However it wasn't. I do not like home. My brain denies home... Being back at home... is no longer a great idea to my brain cells. But.. where would a poor teenager go. I got back home and had spaghetti for dinner.
Left the room to use computer and I searched about the learning programs. It was a long work as I was searching for programs that interested me and at the same time did not clash with the part time jobtimings from more than 20 institutions near my house. It was a hard process and took realy long time. Mom was angry again. She does not like me using com for long. She just does no like people using gadget for long. I want to know how other parent's think too. Is not like I play game using computer.I dont watch movie or read cartoons. I read news and try to find things that can grow me up.. She doesn't understand. This was the part where the quarrl outbroke. Mom began scolding me about me using computer and once again, began talking in tha sarcastic manner that everything I do is fake... I... as a human .. reeally feel sad when I hear that word fake...
All the emotions and sadness I been accumulating bursted. I began screaming really really loud why she would call me that without even thinking... I screamed... "YES IM FAKE. IM ALL FAKE. I KNOW IM FAKE AND IKNOW I TRY TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE AND TRY TO ACT AS IF IM NICE WHEN I'M NOT. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT. I DO TRY. I DO TRY NOT TO BE PRAISE DBY OTHERS BUT IN A HOPE THAT ONE DAY I WOULD HAVE THAT KIND HEART PLACED IN ME SOMEDAY. SO I TRY. SO YOU DON'T CALL ME FAKE ANYMORE WITHOUT THINKING AT ALL. YOU SAYING WORDS WITHOUT SECOND THOUGHTS HURT ME AND SISTER EVERYDAY". Shit it was really a long one. She ofcourse got mad too and stood up facing me and rebutted to every single things I said and when she was done, I left the room. Like I said, I have no regrets for saying that. Neither do I feel bad. I rather feel clear. I finally said things that were in my heart. Although I definitely did wrong for shouting at mom,,, sorry mom but I couldn't control.. This is my limit.. This shows how poor heart I have. But i'm trying to learn.. Please along the proess don't bring me down by saying things like that... ha...
Like this... the year 2014 is ending. I do not really mind ending a year this way.. Even today was the start of the year, i wouldn't mind. You do not suddenly become a different person just because it is a new year. It is the accumulative efforts that brings to a new You, Youngsub.
I hope to set some goals for the year 2015 and really achieve it. It is something to think thoroughly about... Hope I can achieve them.
Year 2014 is ending in 18 mins and this year 2014.. lots of regrets... but indeed that regrets would mean lots of lessons. Thank God for it.. And hope all these could be the soil for my future me.
Thank you... to the world.
The last midnight of 2014 is here and..
Goodnight...
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