Feeling anew, with the new blog that I got.
Although I am not yet so comfortable with the new layouts and the color of this blog, I am pretty satisfied that this blog doesn't cause troubles when uploading musics and photos(hopefully)
This morning began by studying mom's feelings. Had a short quarrel with mom the last night as she was unhappy I was using com for so long. It took about 3 hours as I had to write the blog and fix it as it had big problems. I need to get used to the new surroundings. Before, as I stayed alone and there was nobody to nag at me, I was all free and could do anything I wanted. Maybe.., the objection that comes out from my heart is the strong reluctance in my body to get away from the habits that lie too comfortable within me.
Mom seemed like she was pretty fine. She asked me when would I want the breakfast and the awkward silence stopped. Mom, although she can really be annoying when she is nagging all day, she is really someone nice to talk to. Talking to her while I was having my breakfast, I broke her with a notice that I am meeting my friend, Jun today. She wasn't surprised as she actually knew I was going to meet him sooner or later. On finishing the last stripe of noodles, I dropped the chopstick and went to the other room to talk to my friend when and where to meet. It was hard deciding the place as both of us didn't want to meet nearby our houses' area but wasn't aware of any places to meet. Thus, he suggested that we meet at Gangnam. It was the place that gives an idea of city and a feeling of being outside. It could be considered as taking 700A to get to Orchard or town area in Singapore. I prepared myself and left home with mom. Mom had to send a mail at the post office so she followed for a while. First, we dropped by at the ATM to withdraw some money. It was the very first time when mom and I both withdrew money together at the same time. Always, being a child receiving pocket money from mom, bank was somewhere far off from me. I would always wait outside the bank while waiting for mom to come back. It was a start of new memories.
She went to the post office and I took my own way to the subway.
It was a long journey to Gangnam. It took me 3 transits and took an hour to reach. As I was on the train, seeing all the people who were sitting down, I felt awkward and weird. I felt like I am a stranger. I no longer had the feeling of belonging. Usually, when I came to Korea before during the holidays, I would feel like I am home and being one of them. However, I guess.. I am a foreigner now. Just standing up myself in this small space of train, I feel like everyone is looking at me and felt weird myself. Korea, which is my home has become some place that is hard to approach and so new. I do hope I can join the society and be one of them while shining as myself, Youngsub.
On alighting, it was already 1:15pm, while we were supposed to meet at 1. I thought Jun would surely be shivering in cold as he should have reached earlier than me. He only lived about three stations before Gangnam. Walking up one of the so many exits in Gangnam, I looked around to see where he was. He wasn't around and as I waited for a minute or two, a familiar face walked to me smiling. I felt awkard. He did plastic surgery on his nose and eyes. It was new friend that I didn't know. He had just done the surgery so the swell was still there on the eyes. It was so weird. His face had totally changed. The kind of humor I felt together with his face had changed as he had a new face. It was pretty weird but they always say that when you either get a new name or new face you begin to have a new life. I hope his second journey of life is as amazing either.
We poured out the talks that we had not shared for long and started finding places to eat.
He wanted to eat flour based food like Tukboggi. As we were walking, we found one place that seemed so cozy. We got in and ordered the food.
we left a sign that we were there at the blackboard.
We had a conversation for a while after eating and thought of what to do. Thing we can do was still the same either in Sg or in Korea. We only thought of going to lan shop, Singing room, cinema or multi-room. Multi-room was only available in Korea and as both of us didn't have any experience on here we felt new. The multi-room allows people to watch tv, movies, sing song, play Wiii and internet surfing. It was basically a room for multi-purposes. We found one after a long walk, and the price was really affordable. It was 10000Won for three hours for person, so its about 12 bucks.
His face was weird but we enjoyed like as if it wasn't weird. Had a long time for three hours and didn't know time was passing. Ended so fast and it was time for good bye. As we left each other at Gangnam station, a different feeling that I expected came approach me.
I'd thought I would feel more of loneliness and missing the enjoyment. However, I felt regretable...
I did not really enjoy myself as I was singing and dancing. Just had a thought... what am I doing.. and what mom would think to imagine me singing and dancing so joyfully. I regret... what have I done to my life... what was all those for.. to make my parents shoulder so heavy.. letting them down so much.. and to make my whole family suffer.
What was all these for....
Who am I, and where am I walking to.
How are you so thick-skinned to wear a happy mask on your face when all these had happened.
Who are you.. and what are you
I realised, I can no longer enjoy till I have done something successful to make my life up.
It's time for me to do something that can grow me.
Something more valuable and learning, rather than playing and enjoying.
Hope, not just my mind realize it but my body can follow either...
On reaching back, it was really crowded in the train, that everybody was so close to each other. It was so packed till I could see other people's phone screen and what they were typing or playing. I saw a lady's message with her boyfriend. She seemed like she was at her end twenty's if I'm not wrong. They seemed so caring and sweet....
The love that I did wasn't love.
Mom was right.
She always tell me I'm full of pretense. Study, to get praised. Do good deeds to get praised. Treat other people well to get praised...
Maybe.. she is really right.
I'm a bad person.
I've got long to learn.
The thought of myself that I am nice was such a rude thought. Receiving what other people's praise is really a rude attitude.
The love that I did was not love. Maybe.. the love that caused the both parties to be hurt might be my fault.. No. It's my fault. not maybe.
It was too much, to say it was a learning experience. When things come into other person's life, nothing can be covered with excuses. I..am the bad one.
As the cold winds slapped both from left and right, wild thoughts passing through and reached home. Knocking on the door, mom's voice was heard back. Mom's voice that welcomed me warmed my heart. Once again, no matter what, I am so lucky now to have someone waiting for me at home...
Mom asked me several curious questions she had about today's outing and I waited for dad to be home for dinner.
It was 9pm and dad reached home. We began eating dinner and the conversation flew on and it somehow reached the point where mom suddenly asked me if i had a girlfriend in a curious but joking tone. I did not know how to react. I said no but my face really blushed chili-red. I had never felt myself turning red. Even my ears turned red. Mom began laughing and pointing at my ears that I was really blushing and she kept questioned that I really should be having one. Then, she continued that she had actually gone to a fortune-teller to ask about me. She visit the fortune-teller really often, being insecure about my future. This is something I should feel sorry to her about.
She told me that the fortune-teller told mom that I had a girl. But a girl, that was a friend that counselled me well but not a girlfriend. The fortune-teller said that the girl was really a nice person and was a Korean girl.
To some point it was correct as I have a friend called Sinyoung who is really a good friend. She became friends with me when I was retaking O-levels. At the point of time, she was also preparing to get into a uni so we were both having a hard time and I guess that timeframe had made us more bonding.
I left the dinner quickly to avoid any further questions. I hope mom wouldn't know about my relationship story till it is the right time where she can trust me and feel relieved about my future.
Typing at the keyboard looking at the new white screen of this blog, reflecting all the memories of 23rd December...
The night is passing and the night in Suwon's winter is long.
Hope tomorrow is full of achievements..
Good night.. youngsub...
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