Midnight in Suwon - Day 79

Midnight's up..

sighing . wondering how I had been living my life..

Seeing others... being successful.. in all aspects... the more I felt miserable.

deep.. night..

Woke up this morning... by the alarm ring that rang when it was like 5:30. Dad shook me up and I quickly got on to feet to get ready for outside. Dad warned me that it's cold outside so I had to wear tight.

Dad was right. It was colder than usual days. Maybe.. the coldness that I got inside my heart made things even colder..

I left for gym.. and had such fruitful hours in there. I finished all the gym works that I had to do daily. Workouts perfect hair perfect..just that my heart wasn't perfect.

I went to the subway station to go for work. I prayed first.. I had to call Eun Sun as she asked me to call her in the morning. She wanted to talk about something about the meet-ups cos they wanted to meet at Saturday after work as our work was coming to an end. They were calling up all others to meet up. However.. I already had an appointment with Hyun Woo and Sam to go and see the Nanta event on 28th. So i couldn't join them. Eun Sun wanted to talk about it.. but I dont know what she really thinks inside.. Maybe.. after a few calls we had each other on the phone.. she began liking talking to me.. or I really don't know.. I'm just so afraid that she is beginning to develop different feelings toward me.. or I had made her to misunderstand or sth. I'm really afraid. I'm not ready to move on for the next relationship. I myself.. as a human.. isn't ready to deserve any girl on earth. Not being prepared... and going in for a relationship... I don' think it would even be polite to the girl and yeah... after the first relationship i had.. I want to avoid being in relationship... I'm afraid for one. I am really afraid ... that Eun Sun..or.. I had made her to misunderstand that I like her.. Yesterday night..when I was reading up through our chat.... that was what I had realised. My tone and words were enough to make her misunderstand.. I am the bad one. I'm the worst one..

Before calling her.. I prayed God.. please.. God please... stop me if I'm talking to her in a way that can make her to misunderstand.. God please... if she falls in love with me please change her... because she is in love with the wrong guy.. a not prepared guy... Having a stiff heart... i called her...

And she did not answer.

After I hang up.. like five minutes later.. she called me.

Her voice over the phone... just woke up... was really cute.. but I really didn't want to make this conversation like those boyfriend-girlfriends conversation where the guy asked how was your dream and all..

Always a bright conversation when talking to her.. although I would hope she talk more and laugh more often. She doesn't talk that much.. that's why I have to talk more than her.. that shows that she isn't perfect suit.. even for me and even for her...

As I was talking to her on the phone.. i guess i was talking bit loud. the uncle who was sleeping in front me asked me to keep it low. I hung up the phone after a few minutes.

Reached work... and work was pretty smooth..

There were not much communication between colleagues.. they were all new people.

The only thing I can remember today... is that.. when everybody's left earlier than I did... I was given those important jobs like turning off the lights in the whole exhibition hall before closing down. I have become the most experienced one now.. From a boy who got scolded everywhere.. dropping boss coffee and making troubles and not understanding any single orders... I have become somewhat.. more skillful...and comprehensible..

I felt proud..that I was trusted.. I loved the idea..

Walking back home... after the 2nd last day of work.

Reached home... and it was another silence between mom and I.

I didn't bother talking to her much either.

Today during lunch time at work.. I called mom to ask whether can I go and meet Jun after work. She didn't allow me. So I got home.

Just doing my things... using laptop and phone.. got to message few words with Eun sun... and the last word I received from her was she asking me whether can she call me now...

Ha...

How'd I wish I was alone at home so I can just talk loud at home...

I just hope..that she isn't... just hope she likes me as a friend.. a great talking friend.. I really hope.. Ha...

I didn't reply her to that..

I just didn't read that message.

Tomorrow.. will be the last day of work.

All the memories..hardships..learnings..scoldings and everything that I earned... it all ends here. All the friends I made... how I had grown..

Really from that to now... Thanks a lot to them.. I wouldn't know how I can appreciate this thankfulness..

Tomorrow... hope to make an end like how I usually was.. Trying to be hardworking..trying to keep my smiles.. and trying to keep the right heart..

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 78

Sigh.

Mom is always like that.

sensitive and emotional breaks down the whole family's atmosphere.

But I got to listen to what she says too.. Although she says in a cruel manner and all.. and her actions delay all things and all.. at times what she says is right.. at most times.

She is angry that I won't be able to handle my studies when I'm there as I'm not doing here in Korea. I justify that is cos it's holidays but it isn't true. At first when I came here.. I was studying indeed.. reading books and all.. But now.. Look at yourself.. True that I am engaged in other things like football and playing with friends.

Remember what Un Young told me the other night when we were having dinner at Chongshin Uni.. She told me that it is right that I do the things I wanted but it isn't right if I miss out things that I have to do...

Remember it and focus and change too...

When I woke up this morning.. mom prepared breakfast. I usually don't eat breakfast so I denied eating but she told me she cooked seaweed soup as it's my bday. Like really out of nowhere it's my bday. I didn't even know it's my bday. She told me that today's my bday by some lunar calendar. I ate it and while eating we had another quarrel. Mom noticed me that aunt is coming home tonight. I was supposed to meet Jun today and she didn't even tell me about it. I had made my appointment first and she didn't even ask me about it. The quarrel began again. She wasn't happy that I was going out so much for the main reason. She denies it but yes she is angry cos of that. And came back to yesterday's night that I had dinner with the lady. She called her stranger. To her she thinks is stranger but to me is a fate...

She wouldn't understand a single thing.. When quarrels happen... I really hate staying here.. I'm too used to living on my own and living alone Ha....

After a quarrel.. I felt exhausted and just left for football. My normal routine would be to go to gym .. but today... I really couldn't... I really didn't want to. I dropped by at Suwon station and had lunch and thought what I should do. Before.. when I was teen and when I was feeling down.. I would go to Lan shop and play game.. But I wasn't interested in that anymore.. I rather do sth that would leave me sth. I thought that I should go and catch a movie. I got to the cinema that was nearby and checked whether there was any nice movies to watch and one movie that caught my eyes was.. 50 shades of grey. I do not know anything about that movie but only heard so often from my friends.. I quickly bought that ticket and watched the earliest one so I could be on time at home for dinner.

The movie wasn't for teens.. I wanted to leave in me like... how the person would be thinking when she or he said that... and leave somewhat that can make me think... while watching.. I fell asleep again like usual. Sadly.. the part that I missed was the most crucial one where the girl went into Grey's game room asking him the worst he has. I only woke up to see the girl saying goodbye to Grey at the lift and saying No. Then the movie ended. I wasn't sure what's going on but rushed to get out of the cinema... Hmm.. I don't knowwhy but I was pretty embarrassed that I was watching this kind of movie... Thinking through after leaving the cinema.. the only thing that left in me after watching was just like hmm... I dind't learn or leave any thoughts.. it was just the same feeling like watching something that was obscene.

But still...no regrets..it's the movie of my choice.

Got to the gym and I only bathed before leaving. I really had no energy for any exercise today.

Got home and dad and mom was standing in front the house door. They were about to leave to go to some restaurant. Then. she told me that my aunt isn't coming... Sigh.... I cancelled appointment with Jun cos I thought outsiders are coming.. and now this is what happened. All the way from then I didn't talk to mom. Mom being super sensitive this would take damn long. I just hope that my flight dates come faster.. This is childish of me... but ha... yeah i'm still immature. I supposed to be learning from her nags.. not complain and be angry about it..

I've made appointment to meet Jun and I still haven't notified her. I know she will be realy pissed off but I don't want to tell her. Maybe just leave a SMS tomorrow when I'm out for work. I know she will be really pissed off... Ha...

Sad night..

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 77

Mom's angry about the night and I'm not happy about what had happened too...

I don't understand what is really going on and this just makes me want to stay alone in Singapore faster... Just having my own life.. not under her restriction..

Today.. I woke up early in the morning for gym..

Got to work.. and had another somewhat enjoyable time although it was pretty tiring. Time didn't fly fast and there was not much things to do today... And things were quite boring too. It was so much different from how I had promised myself to be for this last week of work where I expected myself to be committed and hardworking...

I reached work at 9 and I was the earliest to come. Thus, I was dismissed early like at 5:30 too. Being dismissed so fast, I rushed to Sadang MRT station. There was a match at Suwon Worldcup Stadium between Suwon and Urawa the Japanese team. I had to rush as it would take some time getting to Suwon from Seoul. I had to take an express bus from Sadang station to Suwon worldcup Stadium so I dropped at the Sadang station and looked for the bus. However...  I could see the bus stop but couldn't see that the bus stop showed the bus' number. I asked around whether the bus number 7000 and 7001 stops by in here and the first person I asked didn't really know. I took up the courage to ask the second person and she told me that she was going to Suwon Worldcup stadium but not Suwon MRT station. I asked her whether she was going for the match and she said yes! I was going alone for the match too and I was glad I had a company now. We tried to find the bus stop and when we found the bus stop, we saw the bus coming. However,, the bus didn't drop by and just passed the two of us... We were lost for words as the next bus would take super long time to come. We decided to just take train. On the way... we talked about each other's lives and how she began to like football and this team Suwon. She had such deep love for the team. Her phone cover was Suwon, background photos, Kakaotalk profile photos and there were signs of Suwon everywhere. She was a fanatic fan. She was really hardcore. However, she wasn't into the team because she was into the handsome players but just because she loved football and Suwon Samsung Bluewings. Every time I talked to her..  I could feel and see the deep love she had for the team. It was pretty surprising to meet such a person as it is pretty rare to see people who love a Korean league club team so much and especially when the person is a female.

We reached the stadium and both of us were excited for it. We were like about 15 minutes late but the heat of the stadium was still there. The stadium was almost full. Being the first game of the season and a game against a Japanese club team, it brought number of crowds into the stadium. The match ended as 2-1 Suwon won. Coming all the way down here after being lost for so long was a good choice considering what  I had seen at the spot.

After the match, she treated me a meal at Lotteria. And we began talking about football again. She seemed to be somewhat suppressed from her love for football as there weren't many people whom she can share her love for football and Suwon. What was surprising was that when she talked about her favourite footballer, Kwak Tae Hwi she burst into tears for I don't know what had happened but she told me she loved him so much.

I hoped to stay longer but mom didn't allow. Mom was already angry about me going to watch the football match and me staying back with a female.

Came back home.. and mom was ready to investigate me. She indeed wasn't happy I ate dinner with a female. She indeed is. She gave other reasons but she indeed was angry because of that. No matter how old I am.. mom doesn't like me getting a girlfriend... while she is not even my girlfriend.. I was so angry that mom told me I was lying when I told her about what had happened today. She couldn't believe how so coincidental that I can meet such person at Sadang station and couldn't believe why I tried to go for the match with her. Well. for me I don't get her. Why is there a need to cut the tie when we both know that we are going to the same direction. Why is there a need to put a restriction in relationships...

Mom scolded me big time and now I'm here typing the 77th night.

I have an appointment to meet Jun tomorrow and I don't know how to tell this to mom. She indeed wouldn't allow me to go for it. I don't know what to say..

Another sighing night....

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 76

Depressed?

or just being emotional?...

Tonight is the day I would want to write this diary.. take out this diary ... to write my story of the day... and console my feelings..

Leaving a place... leaving the people ... leaving the country... although has been the repeatitive procedure in my life... still can't get adjusted to it..

Left home early morning for football..

There were four people including me today. The guy I saw the other time when the center was closed was there too. I was glad to finally have several people training with me. My passes were inaccurate and I really need to see an improvement.. I've been training for the past two months and I indeed need to see a change.

We played a 2v2 game after the trainings and I could see the improvements.. like hmm control and passes maybe..

I didn't do the self training today as I had to rush home later on to call SIM to double check some of the enquiries I had. Gymmed for about an hour and got home when it was like 2pm. Had a late lunch and began doing all the works like calling the SIM and checking out the flight schedule.

76th day.. yeah now I see that I've almost come to the end of this long journey.. now I see it as a short journey.. Three months passing so fast... I don't feel like it was a long one... Thank God I didn't spend it just stuck at library and playing game.. but used it to do several things like touring.. meeting friends... working..

I told mom the flight details.. and mom said go ahead... and she began crying.. Asking herself.. why have we become like this.. Why did we start all these... all these of family staying apart... I felt her deep sorrow..

Had a dinner and I fell into a deep sleep that I just woke up like 30mins ago..

What can I do to end this 100 journeys a meaningful one?

Hmm.. firstly I will have to settle all the things that worry me.. hmm but if that comes from the heart that I want to settle it for my sake but not for the purity of desire to solve the problem..then don't do it... Let's settle the ambiguous relationships I have... Let's end this work I've been doing for the past two months in a better manner. You've come a long way... Got scolded a lot and learned a lot either. Let's play football harder to prepare myself.. you have a goal..then let's try to strive for it. Study harder.. You haven't done any.. You know yourself what is important for you to be prepared for school.. Let's prepare myself for school.. Let's have a better relationship with my family.. Treat them nicer and stop having so much noises.. and fights. Let's do something I haven't done before... like volunteering for community work on my own. I guess that's all I can think of for now.. Let's make it... a lovable one..

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 75

75th day.

Which also means I have come to the 3/4 of my story in here.

Almost reached there.. The end.. is soon to come. Only a quarter left for it to end.

More like I felt time passed really fast.. There were lots of things I learned from this journey and I am proud that I made learnings... not repetitive time of staying few hours in the library everyday and wasting my time.

Having a several job opportunities in Korea was really great. Realized life was tough... and how hard it is to earn other people's money.

Today was the casual weekday when I did not have work.

Played football..went to gym.. and also went to library for an hour while waiting for the dinner meet-up with my teacher.

We met up at 5:20 and went in for a dinner. It was such long time after I had last seen him in December in Singapore.

He didn't change at all and it was always pleasure meeting him up. At times.. we would have some moments of silence not knowing what to say and he would make those sounds of tasting the food to fill in the gap but still.. we were communicating and I didn't feel weird at all even there was time of silence. We actually agreed with each other at most things we talked about. We thought the same for many things and shared many views that were agreeable. He taught me some of the important life lessons too... He having been gone through the same thing I was going through today.. which was that I wasn't one of those who complain about the boss or scold about the boss among colleagues. What he taught me was to be in the center of them. Not be the center of those who scold but to be the center who grab their heart and be an influential person.. I agree to his view too..

After having a dinner and drinking coffee at a cafe shop.. we parted hoping for another meet-up the next week or something.

It's always nice seeing him..

One of the most thing that hardens me is that the shoe that I bought yesterday.. Ha.... I don't think I like it. I keep looking at my shoe and I think I really am not happy with it... SHIT>>>> how much did i pay and I don't even like it what a waste of money man... I can't get refund and I realy don't know what to do......

Another night dipped in the thought...

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 73&74

Yesterday.. I was quite drunk and really tired that I couldn't write the diary.

Met my old friends.. Hyun woo.. who used to stay with me for the whole year in my first J1 in 2013.. Sang Moo.. who was my school mate...

I don't clearly remember of the detailed events that happened yesterday but one thing to note was that in the morning.. when I was pumping the air into the roller, I purposely directed the air at my colleague. The air was really strong that can like really push all the hair back. I've done that to several people till now so I thought it would be okay too. I had thought like she would take it just as a joke either. However.. I was a fool to think that everybody would think that way. I held the vacuum pump on her face for quite long till she was far enough that the air wouldn't reach because when I'd tried it to others before.. I wasn't happy just airing on their face for like a second. I wasn't satisfied so this time I just put it on her face. The response was rather horrifying. She screamed.. and even if I said sorry and tried to hold her back.. She rushed away without looking back. I didn't know what to do and started to tremble. I was horribly terrified either as I was scared that she will go and tell the boss about it and the boss indeed would scold me big time. Other than that.. at first I thought she was crying. So I was really afraid that I hurt her. I knew myself being naughty can be a great ice breaker but crossing the line would mean I might not even be forgiven. I didn't want that to happen.

In the end.. we got back.. and got closer again but this I gotta remember.. I should be more mindful of how others might react. Like be more considerate like my sister does.

And also yesterday.. my boss forgot to order my lunch pack so I had to eat out. It was great walking out for lunch as it was quite stuffy inside at work.

Another thing that I regret doing .. was that.. when I was in charge of the zone where kids take the mini car. I saw a ring-shaped tool that was dropped on the floor. I took it in my pocket and thought that I should use it later to give to my close nuna Hyeji. Not long after. I found her so I gave her the ring and tell her its my heart. She laughed and as she was touching it.. it actually made scar on her finger. She later came to me showing her finger with a bandage. I laughed at that moment as she seemed to be okay with it but I really shouldn't have done it. That was dangerous for her...

Learned those today remember tomorrow and don't repeat the mistakes.

I ended work really early like at 5:30 PM. We were to meet at Sindang for dinner at 6. However... I chitchat with other colleagues who were still working and in the end I reached Sindang at 6:30 which was like 25 minutes distant from my work place. Sam reached late too as he reached like 10mins later than me. Hyun Woo was familiar with the place as he had lived here before. We went to the place he had recommended and began our dinner. Hyun Woo didn't like to drink. But me and Sam being like hmm we had been drinking together even when we were back in Singapore. We ordered Soju. It was pretty momentous to both of us as drinking that was different from just beer. Soju hmmm has friendships..love and all in it. Has many conventions in the way to drink and all... meeting him when we were 15 and now we've grown up and we are drinking together... Memorable day..

The things we shared under the drunk talk.. all the laughters and tears.. I want to keep it in my heart. As that night.. was really something to remember.. Really something to remember..

Sam got drunk easy.. I thought he would be stronger than I did.. I guess.. the repetitive drink encounters I've made at work made me to be stronger. It was my first time drinking this much too. We drank like 6 bottles of soju and one bottle of beer.

We parted when it was like 10:30. On the way home.. I was quite high already. I wanted to talk to someone. At first ... I wanted to talk to Eun Sun. Talking to her was always as fun. But... I didn't like hmm.. want her to misunderstand and all.. but calling her was hmmm after getting drunk might make her to misunderstand actually. So I called my close friend Jae Yeon.. whom i've met in Busan. We talked for like 20 mins and I tried to hang up the phone as I wanted to talk to Eun Sun... Without thinking.. I just pressed the call button and talked to her on the phone. I always feel happy that she receives my call fast. Whenever I call. Although I've only called her twice.

I talked to her all the way till I reached home. We had a glad conversation but at one time.. she asked me whether I like her. When I told her I want to meet her out ... like I want to have dinner with her and enjoy life like how the Korean college students do as she was one of them. It's yes that I actually do have interest in her .. but I guess not like love.. like as a boy girl. I don't know. Maybe I do like her while knowing that she isn't my type. She is 169 too tall.. I don't know.. what to do. Today at work.. the two close friends of Eun Sun.. asked that we should meet up after work in group like the four girls and me and Jun Sung. She told me I'm the organiser of this but I don't know what to do.... Like firstly I don't like meeting girls and guys together. I prefer having just guys meet-ups or if not then just girls meet ups. And another is that hmm.. Eun Sun actually asked me whether do I like Yun ah..one of the four girls. So is like.. if during that meet-up if i'm like close to Yun Ah.. Eun sun could be jealous and might think me as like.. you plaed with me or sth... I don't want to have that kind of complicated relationship with girls.. I've got to control me...

Reached home... and had bit quarrel with mom. Mom suddenly reminded me that I have to go temple tomorrow..which is today. I was supposed to go church and play Sunday morning football but going to temple would mean I can't go either of them.

I had actually promised with my sis that we will go to the shopping mall to buy her shirt so I decided not to go for football and go for shopping. I should be clear from next week. No time can be wasted like that. I only get a chance to play game like once in a week and wasting that time like this would mean I am ready to fail again.

Got up this morning .. we went to the temple to greet my grandmother. My father's mom. Mom wanted to go as family to greet her. While going to the temple.. mom and dad had somewhat of quarrel between them and didn't talk to each other all the way.

Dad brought us till the shopping mall. I was supposed to buy shoe either. Me being a undecisive person I really can't decide. I thought like for 2 hours and still couldn't decide. I decided the design of the shoe but couldn't choose the colour. There was like 8 colors of the same design and I really can't choose. Mom was ashamed of me that she wanted to just throw her cash card and leave me. I really couldn't choose one that mom just chose one color and cut off the tag using the scissor so I can't get refunded or anything.

Reached home after that and day went fast like that..

Tomorrow I'm meeting my Sunday school teacher in Singapore.. Heo Chan. He is hmm a pastor now in church. He lives in Suwon too and I don't really know why but he loves me a lot. He was the one that brought me back to church when I was about to be drifted away. It would be another memorable day seeing him in Korea for the first time. Thank God for today...

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 72

The midnight is here.. and today there were some thoughts I've learned.

Got to work. 

There are girls and boys. Boys.. some group complain about the boss. Me.. as I don't have that same bad feeling towards the boss.. I can't agree with him. I don't want to confront him.. but I don't want to agree with for what I do not agree either. People who agree with each other hang along...

As we do have lunch times..break times.. and all the social gatherings happen among the colleagues.. I realized today.. as I was on the way home on the bike... I realized.. I am more comfortable with girls. not boys. This is the conclusion.. and there are no excuses to it. Until now.. I used to contact with girls more often. Like Kelly..amy adeline Fariza.. and Sinyoung. I used to think that I get to message and contact with the girls more often than guys because guys do not like messaging a lot. I do have good friends like Soccer friends and class friends and church friends who are male so that also convinced me that I was talking to girls more often as the girls like to message. 

However.. all these became a false statement today as I realized who I am. I do not like talking to the guys. And even if I do like.. those people are people who agree with me more and laugh at my jokes. Which means.. I can only hang with guys who like me. Can't get along with those who do not agree with me. Those guys like Wei Yang..Shawn.. Jun and all.. they cliqued with me well.. some let themselves down to converse with me... or some actually did agree with me. I was more comfortable with girls ..cos maybe .. the way I talk .. think and agree have become more to girls than how guys do. That's why I'm more comfortable with girls I guess.

I've got to change this habit if I'm unhappy being closer to girls than boys. I used to think having female friends is great as long as they are friends. However now... having less or no male friends.. things are different. I feel like hmmm.. those boys in class who is the only guy hanging with girls. Like in a group there is only one male and five girls or something. I feel like I've become someone like that and I do not like it. 

Changing this habit that I"ve been having for so long would be hard. I've become soft.. and would be hard to suit in to the boys group to get along. It's going to be challenging but I should strive for it. 

I don't really need to see and learn and follow like how they do cos I will lose the good things I do have now. But.I should see the way they communicate and agree with each other. And learn those that I would want to learn.. Learned something today!

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 71

Happy new years..

I don't really feel that today is the first day of the year or like a new start..

as I feel that it's not really a new year.. 2015 has already begun. and today is maybe to me.. just a day that's meant to celebrate with family with good food. of course with good money from the adults either.

This morning.. woke up when it was like 7. I woke up the latest as when I had woke up.. the others were all ready to leave. My parents always being rush for things.. they had already prepared themselves. I quickly washed my hair and we left to the eldest uncle. It was my first time spending festive season with family at the eldest uncle's house. When I was young.. we used to celebrate those new years and Chusuk at grandparents' house. They moved the place to uncle's house a few years ago. It was new for my sister either I guess. Mom had quarrel with other aunties and mom avoided going there for a few years. Mom although she is fun to be with and looks like she gets well along with others.. she often get offended from others. Everytime we have a gathering or meeting... when she is on the way home she is the only one complaining about the meet-ups and about the people she didn't really like.

When we reached.. we were the first to reach. I saw Ji Eun my cousin after a long long time. THe last time I saw her was when she was high school student. Now she is already a working adult.. so it's really been a long time. Her face was still there but she became more like hmm gorgeous. She was nice like how I"ve heard from mom too. She praised I've become much more handsome.

After a while..  grandpa and grandma came with her late son who is only at his thirties. The 3rd oldest uncle came with his family too and all the guys left the house to ride to Singal. That was the routine for all these while. I do not know how I'm related to them but it was the convention to go there. The eldest uncle is a man who likes to teach other people. He is well-knowledged too. He taught me how to set up the table and what foods to be on the table when we commemorate rites for the ancestors. Met people that I met so long ago. It's been like 8 to 9 years since I haven't met them. I almost didn't remember them. Had full breakfast. Ate tukgook which is a soup made of rice cake. It is the custom to eat this during this New year season.

It was pretty much awkward meeting those family members that I hadn't seen for so long. Some had done plastic surgery and had changed so much although the face was still there on her. I had become totally different person. Polite and quiet. Mom being a loud person and naggy... I didn't want to make like single mistake or what. Maybe it's my fault for me being so different at home and outside. Like when I'm with parents I hmmm... become different person. Like when the person knows a lot about me and I'm facing other people with that person who knows me a lot.. I feel like hmmm this is really complicated but.. I feel like being inspected or being watched by the person who knows me a lot.

We played all the games like Yoot nol yi. A game that throws some stick and play. They gave me some wine too. Some damn strong wine that made me heat up as soon as I drank it. Had talks from uncles and all.

I received money from them too. I didn't know how much I receive from them till I opened it up when I reached home.

Guess what..

I received 1,160,000 won wah shit. Nvr ever got this money for me before. This equals to like hmm 1400 sgd. Although mom took away 450,000 won.. I still left with WAHHHT. A LOT man.. I gotta save it and think of how to spend it. There are people I wanted to meet but couldn't cos I didn't have enough money. I'm going to meet them all. Buy shoes. buy specs... Ha.. and pay back to mom for the money I owe them too. Thank God for all these money.

And thank God for such time I get to spend with my family.. Always fun to meet them although I can't talk much and awkward at times.

p.s. I realised I began to write this diary just for the sake of writing..not to have something to remember next time or to reflect about my day. I should reflect on it.

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 70

Midnight in Suwon.. The 70th night in here.

Today is a new year's day.

Although it's not exactly the New Year day itself but holiday has begun.

Still.. I was working today.

Had to get up early in the morning like 7 am . Mom was already up preparing my breakfast.

Had a fulfilling breakfast and got for the work.

As today was holiday.. there really were not much people on the train. Luckily.. I got seats on the way and slept all the way along.

I reached earlier for work so I can be dismissed earlier too. There weren't much happenings today other than that there was a mouse appeared at the place we dispose the garbage.

Really not much thing today... I got home when it was like 8. Reached home had dinner and ya.. really nothing much today... The only thing I learned and feel is thatI need to learn to deal with people who are older than me. I can easily make good friends with those who are younger or same age as me but have hard time dealing with older people... Needa learn it.

Tomorrow will be the day me going to meet all my family. Seeing all of them.. Getting money from them either. Haven't been together in New Years for real long time.. Like about 7-8 years. Glad I'm here again..although things will be awkward.

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 69

Hi the 69th night in Suwon..

Today wasn't colorful but meaningful..

Just now... like an hour ago.. I happened to check my email and saw an email that came from SIM. It was telling the result of my application for the diploma program I applied. They didn't have specific entry requirement or did they have cut-off points. I was not aware whether I would get the place for all. I just believed in myself all this while. Breathing nervously... I clicked on to see the Application Status and saw..."Congratulations.."

This one word was enough. I was pretty satisfied.. Although.. I couldn't get those kind of pleasure from getting into the uni I wanted like how others do after taking their A-level exams.. Having a place to go.. Having a chance to take the next step. .That chance was enough for me.

Reminded mom about it and mom congratulated me... no matter how was the procedure......

Today.. I woke up late in the morning around 8:50. There wasn't much time so I hurriedly took two bananas for breakfast. Rushed for football and had an hour of training and got to the Hwaseo MRT station as I was supposed to meet mom. Mom and I were supposed to go to see a doctor. oriental medical clinic.

Mom wanted to ask several things..

Like.. she asked why I can't focus during studying... and why I can't digest food properly..and why I always do sleep talk. She asked whether is it because my spirits are weak. Like... make me feel I am at some weird place. The doctor checked my tongue and other body parts.. and told us that I didn't have much problem with digesting part.. and didn't have much stress either. Mom looked at me weird. she thought i was damn stressful for lots of things happened. Actually I didn't care much.. I mean care free.. But one thing was that he told us that my spirits were weak. That's why I always do sleeptalk and walk while sleeping. Mom asked the doctor to make the medicine for me for such people.. and to help me focus more while studying..

I didn't know what we were doing there. The medicine cost about 200 bucks... WOW>......

I was sincerely sorry to mom... for getting such.. .. and I really should do better and work harder.

We had a lunch at bbq restaurant and we set apart. Then.. as I was moving to gym.. My bike's tyre spoilt. Luckily.. the bike repair shop was just beside. I parked my bike and called up the uncle. He told me I had to change the whole tyre and the tube inside. It costs 28000 WON.... shit...  Ibought the bike at 28000 won and I was paying 56000 won for repair fee including my pedal the last time... LIke what.t...

I called mom so she can pay for me.

I didn't have enough money. She complained to the uncle how come it was so expensive. She grumbled that changing tyre would only cost about 10000 won not 28000. She still paid but still grumbled.

I took my own way to the gym and came back at 4pm. Had a dinner and I kept falling alseep while I was watching TV on the bed. Was really really tired from the exercise today.

Resting my room..checked my email and found out that I was accepted.. It could have been better if I had clinched it with some efforts and result slips like A-level result that I was aiming for... but that's not what matters. What's important is I do my job from now. Fighting bro.

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 68

Late night here and I am typing the story of the 16th Feb... so happily..

Today.. was a rainy day..

Woke up at 8 and prepared to leave home.

Had two bananas for breakfast and left home for football.

The rain wasn't heavy but being exposed to rain for like 40mins of bike journey.. I was all wet by the time I reached.

Today.. there was two more people who joined the morning training. I could clearly feel that my stamina was overwhelming as I used to train one person.

After the training.. I rushed to the library. It was super long way getting there. It took about one hour of bike to get there. On addition to it... it was raining badly so I was like just soaked in water when I reached the library. I had to print the receipts mom paid for her school fee. Mom was finally going to university and she wanted me to print out the receipts at the library as my house didn't have printers. i took the photos of the receipts I had printed ... and mom told me.. I do not need to print it as she can pay online... Ha.... MOM!!!! I had to rush all the way to the library just for that in this raining weather. I couldn't say anything to mom as mom thought that I was in the library all day.

Gymmed for a while and left to meet my old friends and teacher..

Hyun Woo.. who used to be my roommates last time when I was J1

Sang Moo.. who is my church and school friend..

And meeting my musical teacher and her husband. The teacher I really love the most.. The family I love a lot... For they are always beside me .. for whatever I do.. They were the ones to approach me first when I couldn't..

Thank them a lot...

However... unlike the last time when I went to their house to meet during June holiday last year... I didn't feel so excited for the meet-up. More like I just took this as one gathering and that was all. All this changed when I saw her face... at her doorstep. Three of us, me, sam, and hyun woo reached her house by my guide and she opened the door for us. Saw her face... and I was really really.. hmmm such happy to meet her. I can't express my feelings by words but she was as happy as me too. We joked like before and I was as comfortable like before. I could feel that I got closer and closer compared to the last time.. although the time we have left in the gap was long.

Talking about each other's life.. time passed and we had dinner together and played some board games too. I always was closer to my musical teacher.. the wife of our pastor. However.. this time round.. I wanted to make close relations with the husband too. We were men yet we weren't as close. I tried to talk to him more often and all. And indeed I could feel we got closer. I like him a lot...

Time flew so fast that we didn't know it was 10pm. We all walked down to the subway station. As we reached the station.. suddenly Hyun Woo saw a cosmetics shop then he grabbed me to there as he wanted me to buy a hand cream. They all saw my hands were rough due to work. I told him I didn't have money for it and will just get it on my own the next time but he didn't listen. He just walked on and my musical teacher bought it for me.. I was really touched.. It's not the money she spent that is touching but .. her thoughts... she takes me like her son .. always doing things so generously for us.. I love her a lot. I love the husband a lot too..

Hope I can get to meet them soon..

Tonight.. is such warm night..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 67

Hello 67th midnight..

The two-third story of my 100 days in my hometown...

What have I done so far?

Hmm.. I'm satisfied that I do spend time learning... although it's not by sitting down and reading books.. I am experiencing various things.. I am proud that I do things on my own.. all on my own money.. and not just that.. becoming one adult managing my own stuff. Now.. left with one third of my story in Suwon. What's to come.. I wouldn't know but what to do to make it look like how it would look in the end.. I can do something about it.

Hope I can read more books from now... and get to experience more... the same as how it was when I was at the 50th day in Suwon. I need to read more books... and play more football..practice harder.. strive on.. Not for showing others who I am but to improve myself.

This morning.. woke up and there clearly were two things I had to do. First was to see whether there was any replies from my Sunday league football team and second was to go to church service after such long time. There still wasn't a reply from the manager of the team. They changed the location for this week and the head of the team gave me his number last week so I can contact him to know the venue. I asked him yesterday and he gave me the manager's number as he wasn't attending for the match today. I contacted the manager but he didn't reply me. I guess it was becos of hmmm... I wouldn't know but I didn't really have a good relation with him. I was close with him before.. Like at first when I entered the team.like in 2012. I was only 18 then. He treated me nice by trying to teach me on every aspect. However.. I guess I overloaded.. I went to put my arms around his shoulder showing my affection for him and he was really angry. He told me to put it down but I didn't listen to him. I thought he was kidding. However.. in Korean's society where ranks and ages matter most... didn't know that would be such serious problem. He didn't really talk to me after then and until now we aren't so close. Likewise..he didn't reply me.

But I couldn't just take this like not attending for this week... It's pretty urgent for me to get match experience. There are lots to learn in matches than training either. I hurriedly contacted the other team's head to ask whether can I attend the team. Hours passed yet he still didn't reply me. I just went to attend the church service and there still was no reply. Decided to just gym and got home after that. I really really need to find team. I can't just wait. I need to something about it. Hope I can find a new team by next Sunday.

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 66

66th day.. So yeah.. Maybe I can say I have come to the 2/3rd of my story here in Suwon.

Nvm. I don't want to write such long story writing what have i done and how was I so far. Lazy write diary today. 

Got up in the morning late time around 7. Mom prepared me breakfast to eat as I wasn't gymming in the morning today. Gym only opened at 9 so there wasn't enough time to gym before leaving for work.

Reached work when it was about 9:20. Quite early considering work starts at 9:30. However still.. I was behind like three to four people. Today's work was kinda smooth. I tried not to make mistakes that can make bosses angry. Work really went on smooth and I actually got to make good friends with colleagues too. Call it a fruitful day at work. 

I got to be closer to Yoon Ah who only comes for work on weekends. She was kind of happy to see me as she didn't know any others at work. Like nobody.. as the others all had quit. 

One thing to note today.. was this boy today. HIs name is Lee Dong Young. I was having my break time. and as I was walking back to the office to rest.. I saw this boy tlaking to me. A bit chubby and was 7 years old. He was about to cry asking me where his dad is. He told me he lost his dad while he was playing inside. I held his hand and soothed him that dad will be here. We looked around and found his dad sleeping on the bench. He was relieved and he thanked me for helping him out.

Later on after my break..when I was assigned to this Spider zone. He came to find me. He thanked me again and sticked to me the whole time till his dad wanted to leave for home. He wanted to play with me all time and talk to me all time. When all others left... me and him being so tired.. we just lied down at the spider zone looking up the roof. I put my hand sidewards and he held my hand. We were holding hands and looking up at the roof. I began to ask him about his life.. Like what he wants to be in the future.. He wanted to be someone who designs cars. And he was such smart boy to remember all things that other people said. Like he told me .. that when he was doing something like writing or drawing he should give his 100% focus. He also told me about his mom that he was proud of her mom as she was nurse. He told me his mom is such great mom a nice mom helping others to repair their body. I loved his innocence. Later on.. his dad came to bring him back.. and all I could give was a sweet hug.

Ended work .. and Jin Oh and I took the train home. We talked about girl stuff. Like how to get girls and how our love was like...  his one was a sweet one.. lasting for two years.. mine.. can't be compared at all....

Reached home and another thing that I nvr expected happen

I saw there was a message from a friend I knew in church. She wasn't so close to me but we just kind of knew each other.

She slowly and carefully brought out the topic like why she wanted to talk. She wanted to ask about uni like SIM.. how getting there like. She seemed nervous and all.. It was like seeing me.. when I was choosing the school. I was so thankful to help her out as a person who went through the same.. and she was thankful either. Hope we can be great friends! 

Thanks for everything God..and 

Goodnight

Midnight in Suwon - Day 65

65th night in Suwon.

Just got home after a lady's night.

The two girls who were on the same way as me going home.. Hye Ji and Un Young who are a year older than me... we had a dinner together. It was great time but guess.. the regrets in my heart show disappointment within me.

Last night.. after writing the 64th story... I somewhat hmm.. happened to browse through my whatsapp groups... and somehow.. I got to see the profile picture of my ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend's. She belonged to a new guy and hmm... I don't feel sorrow.. or what... that I missed her out. but it was just some..messed up feeling... I know I shouldn't be... we aparted and it was due to both sides' fault.. and there's more fault in me for the break up. I do not feel jealous but.... just really had this feeling that I can't really describe.. just so messed up.. Didn't know where to crash to... I thought the best way was to fall asleep. I closed the laptop lid.. dropped my handphone and just got to the master room to force myself to sleep..but I coulnd't.. until it was like 1am.

Woke up in the morning.. ate two bananas and rushed for gym again. I was mentally tired when I woke up.. and unlike the other days.. I couldn't wake up. I didn't hear the alarm ring unlike the other days.

On the way to gym..while I was riding on the bike.. The dreams.. The dreams I saw.. the scenes I saw during my sleep.. came across. I had dreamt of my ex-girlfriend's boyfriend. For the whole dream talking to me... and I remember I stole his mini bicycle and ran away but got caught in the end. The dream... a dolphin swimming in the pool of dream.. I couldn't get out of it..

Reached gym and renewed my membership one more month. Of course..mom paid for me. I need to pay her back when I receive my work payment.

One thing that was really weird was that.. I really don't know why.. It wasn't like I over exercised yesterday and wasn't that I didn't take enough sleep or I didn't even raise the weight I was lifting but..today.. was really harder than any other days.. After that dream... I guess I was mentally tired. I felt myself I wasn't physically tired. But really... I couldn't exercise hard like before.. Was really tired today.

Left gym for work. On reaching.. I bought three Sneakers to eat. Had one for myself and kept the two to give Jin Oh and Un Young who are on the same way back as me.

When I reached .. IT was quite late. It was already like 9:30 when I reached the train stop. I quickly ran and saw Ho Seung brother walking up from the back too. I like him. He is like 4 years older than I do.. I like him .. cos firstly he is nice and other than that. He looks like my idol. Jang Geu Rae. Im Si Wan for his stage name. I like him. Without hesitation, I gave him my sneakers. I like his smiles.

Today's work was kinda smooth. I made friends with one sister who was way older than me. And yeah today was really smooth. until the last moment where I was doing disposal thing.. ha.. I didn't really think and almost made a stupid mistake. The boss who fought with me the last week called me.. hmm crazy bastard. I really wasn't happy to hear that. But I knew I should be different from last week when I had fought with him. Just keeping my anger this one time.. I knew I can be at higher place.. Not just comparing with him but just as a person myself. Learning things..

Although I really regret that when me , hye ji and unyoung were having dinner.. I kind of told them what happened. I felt bad after telling the story. I didn't like making someone look bad. From then.. all the way till home. I felt bad about myself. I realised.. making other person look bad.. is worse for me than other people scolding me. I really can't take myself making other people sound  bad. I shouldn't anymore..

Reached home.. and its family time again. Home sweet home.

Tomorrow is the last day of work for this week and I'm happy that weekends is coming. Gootta do my best tomorrow either

Fighting!

Goodnight.

Midnight in Suwon - Day 64

64th midnight in Suwon..

Pretty boring again... just doing nothing..

Thinking of what can make me happy.. and enjoy the most..

It could be playing game like Fifa online that I had so much fun playing with Jun the other time... but more than that.. is the time being with people.. Talking and having fun with friends.

People say we love friends most and more than anybody during teenage... Like how my face grows.. I guess being at my teenage for my facial age... I do love my family.. but unlike how I was before..where I had avoided like much social interaction other than school... I want to meet friends.. .go out and play..

When my old roommate Hyunwoo.. contacted me asking whether I want to meet Sam and him this Saturday.. I quickly responded yes as I was dying for friends.. Like those meet-ups. Be it awkward or not.

Maybe that became the boost for me getting closer with Jin Oh at work. Although there still needs time for us to build.. but I feel he is a nice friend.

Today morning... I moved my lazy body to see the time pointing 8:50am.

I was supposed to leave home at 9:15 for football center. Was really lazy.. I wanted to take more sleep.. Wanted to eat heavily for breakfast after long day of work. Got up and quickly prepared to leave.

Reached the center and the door was closed with lights off. There was one guy standing beside the door and I at first thought he was waiting for someone... like I thought he belonged to some other company in this building. While waiting... my coach didn't appear so I asked whether the guy was waiting for the coach too. He said yes and we had a short chat. I messaged the coach about his whereabouts and we talked about football like how much we had improved from here and stuff. While he was talking about the Sunday league club he belonged to, coach called me up. He told me that he was away from work as he was at Seoul to visit his friend who was hospitalized. He told us that he had actually sent out the SMS messages but didn't reach us. I told him is okay and left the center.. I quickly headed to the gym. Didn't know what to do after it as it was only 11 when I reached gym. Finished all the workouts and it was only 1:30 pm. I was really really hungry... having to only eat two bananas for breakfast.

I was thinking of all the food I wanted to eat... those were.. Jajangmyun.. tukboggi. . and kimchi soup.. Although I could buy them for lunch.. I wanted to have them in peace like... not worrying about money.. I hesitated a little and called mom to ask whether can I go home for lunch. She questioned why I can't come home.

Quickly headed and she made jajangmyun and tukboggi for lunch. She actually made all that I wanted. For dinner she cooked kimchi soup. All the cravings were satisfied and I feel so full now... Being at home with mom... just watching TV.. I still felt hmm... uncomfortable.. for mom was always a nagger for I remember. Whenever I was home doing nothing.. she would nag me to read books... and study...

I do not know how a day passed so fast but now I'm here typing out the story of my day. How fast it is. Phew.. Tomorrow is another work day and I hope to get it done well like before.. And please please.. Don't avoid the challenges but face it to grow up.

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 63

Hi midnight..

A pretty boring night..

Computer is not working properly and I can't download movies..altho mom wouldn't like me watching it..

And ya it's just pretty boring.

This morning I woke up around 5:45am to rush for gym.

I had two banannas and rushed for gym.

I didn't feel good. Like... I felt sleepy and also felt nauseous again.

When you burp.. you can smell yourself that your stomach isn't right..

Like having that kind of vomit to be released..

I couldn't gym much..and I just sat down and relaxed.

I fell asleep in the gym for like 20 mins and I bathed.. only my body.. as I wasn't allowed to wash my hair.

Left the gym when it was like 7:50. I wanted to reach earlier for work. Having such trouble the other week... I wanted to start new.. making good impressions.. Bought a digestive drink again and drank one along the way.

Unlike the other times.. I wasn't nervous. I indeed was stronger than before.. not being affected so much by emotions.

Today's work...went smoothly.. Maybe it was due to the considerations my boss allowed me to be not in one of the instructors. There were 700 people expected to come today.. The most number I have ever got while working in here.

There were not much trouble except the part that I kind of set the reservation system for kindergartens.. so that they can go and play other stations and come back later on at the time to get in. This kind of made trouble as the kindergarten who was allocated to like 2hours later wasn't happy and complained to my boss. My boss came down to me to scold what I was doing and abolished that system. 

Time flew fast and as there was only like 3-4 individual kids who came themselves with their parents.. when it was 4pm there was like almost nobody around. Those who reached early for work.. were dismissed early like at 5pm. I was dismissed when it was 5:30 but I decided to wait for Un Young who was at the counter. She was the only one doing the counter work so she couldn't get home early. We waited for like 30mins and got home together with her and Jin Oh. I am really glad that I got much closer with him. He is such good friend. 

Today was a day I can say peaceful as I only got scolded a few times...

Having a rest day tomorrow and I feel peaceful now. I got to enjoy working. Like how it was before..

Goodnight...

Midnight in Suwon - Day 62

Last night was horrible..

I sat down on the bed... waiting for myself to fall asleep.

Everybody was already walking in the deep sleep.. so it was my time to watch Misaeng..episode 2.

However... I felt nauseous while I was watching TV.

I realised..that something was wrong.

I tried to wake mom up to ask for a digestive medicine... but there wasn't any at home.

She instead..gave me plum drinks to help to digest..but it didn't really work as I still felt nauseous.. I wanted to stop this. I decided to vomit although I had known that the process would be hard. I put in my finger in my tongue to vomit and the amounts that came out were hugee. Vomitted off all but still I didn't feel clear.. After sitting a while watching TV.. I decided to go to vomit again. Vomitted a little and fell asleep. It was like 4am when a sudden shock woke me up. At first.. I thought I was burping.. but actually.. those that were in my mouth weren't gas but solid... sorry for being too detailed. I knew the vomit came up so I rushed to the toilet and spat off all. I stuck my finger in to vomit more and I finally felt much clearer. I forced myself to sleep again. and woke up when it was like 7:30 am. I was supposed to leave home when it was 9, so I could reach Jun's hair shop by 11.

Mom cooked me a porridge and as I was having them.. I didn't feel like I was consuming them.. Like... it still left my stomach feel empty. I couldn't take a cold water to cool down my stomach that was filled with the hot porridge. Decided to buy a digestive drink at the convenience store in the subway and I left home after washing my hair.

Reached the nearest MRT station to the shop and Jun was out there to wait for me. He seemed same as the last time I had met him. Meeting him now in Korea.. has become rarer when we came to Korea. He was busy on his own way with his family.. and I was busy on my own too.. playing football and working..

He kind of gave me the hug being pleasured we met after so long. We went in to the shop and... the shop was gorgeous.. It was really the most gorgeous shop I had ever gone to. I suddenly began to feel sorry to mom and the family for enjoying such luxuries... although it was all for free. They even had locker room to put in my stuff and had aprons to change. Me being a country man.. I didn't even know how to wear it on and whether should I take my tshirts and sweaters out. I didn't know so I just took off all my clothes and just wear the apron. As I opened the door Jun came in and the designer who was behind the door saw myself naked and kind of laughed.. I quickly wore back my T-shirt and left the locker room. They did a hair wash for me and brought me to a table for consultation with the designer that Jun's mom introduced me. Jun's mom had blonde hair and she had that posture of an owner.

I took out all the photos that I had downloaded day before.. those hairs that I wanted to have. All the Lee Jong Suk's photo compilations. However.. he told me that my fringe was too short to try his hair style as the fringe would go up the forehead. I showed another photo which wasn't Lee Jongsuk and he told me that could be okay for my hair. He brought out all the hair jargons and explained how my hair was going to be done. It was called what... soft..dandy two block..volume perm cut. Damn long. Lucky I remembered. Also.. he took out the book that had all the colors of the hair. Jun's mom wanted to dye my hair too! I was kind of excited and the designer suggested I do a blonde. But I didn't really want to have blonde hair kind. I would prefer to have a black hair..or a black hair that has a slight color. I chose Purple! He told me that if I was inside... the light wouldn't show the purple colors but if I was outside.. my hair will be shown as slightly purple. After like 30mins of discussions.. we went on to start the surgery!!

before getting our hair done

Firstly. he began cutting my hair before perming. He cutting my hair only.. was already perfect. I seemed great. He cut in the so called teenager's favourite choice these days: soft two block cut. Then.. he gave me a perm. Along cutting.. Jun was beside me doing his hair too. His hair was blonde and a bit permed but he wanted to straighten it and make it red. It was such great that his mom owned a barber shop. He could do his hair whenever he wants like for free.

My designer who sticked to me all day was humorous. He joked all day and I was able to laugh and have my hair under no pressure. The hair that I was getting cost about 300 SGD bucks... Whoa... That's the same as my living allowance for a month in Singapore. Instead.. I was told that I will do some photoshoot as model for the hairshop's blog. I was more than happy to.

After washing my hair off after perming... Seeing myself on the mirror.. It wasn't like the picture I had brought as my hair was too short.. but I was totally satisfied. I was real happy to see myself on the mirror. .. such awesome..

He taught me all the techniques to dry my hair for my hair was too straight..and how to use essence and wax. He styled my hair as he was going to take photo of it.

This was just after he styling my hair and I changed to my home clothes.. and got out to the terrace to take the photos. I sat down at the bench doing all my posture. All the lonelines... all the deep thought and meditation postures..

I thanked his mom and dad a lot. I guess Jun had told his family a lot about me. They all knew me and like they all grabbed my hand and treated me like their son. Getting so much treat.. I didn't know what else I can do... Only thing I could do was to smile and thank them.

Left the shop with Jun..like an Idol.

He had that red hair and I had this Korean actor hair.

I was dope cool and he was dope shit.

We thought of places to go where the place was crowded so we can show off our hairs.

We got down to Konkuk University station as I heard many of my colleagues at work go there to eat and all. However..us..being Singaporeans.. we didn't know where to go.. so I called Eun Sun to ask where to eat. She suggested all type of foods and Jun picked one out of all and she instructed us the direction. It was Western food restaurant.

Had a dinner here and we went out to spend sometime playing game. We moved to the Lan shop just beside. Played 2 hours of FIFA online and it was them fun playing with him as usual. He wasn't as good as me but could follow up to my instructions.

We moved apart when it was 8. We actually wanted to go to the Single's bar that Jun had found out the other time..but I didn't want to.. At least not for today. I was kind of curious of what that is but... not toady.. since I have work tomorrow. Being alone myself on the way home.. I felt tired... yet began to feel.. the day has come to tomorrow. ... Where I meet ... my boss again... and back to work. It kind of scared me as the idea of getting back worried me.. but I thought... I should act normal... and be bright and remember the 3 Ks. And also.. do remember that my first priority is work work work. and second would be the dealing with relations with other people. I shouldn't worry about interacting with other people for now. Maybe the thought of having such good nunas like Hye Ji and Un Young made me this idea but.. still whatever it is... my first and the very first priority should be it.

On the way home in the train... other than the thought of going to work. Family came in to my heart.. Family waiting for me at home... The so contrast between such gorgeous luxurious shop in Gangnam and my house in Suwon... I am not saying that I feel bad to stay here but that sorry to get such luxurious treatment in Gangnam... when my mom had never spent such money for her hair. When I reached home... mom smiled and told me that I looked much better.. much much better. Later a while.. as I was alone using com in here...mom was doing her household and told me.. live a gorgeous life like that throughout... I told her what's the use if I can't let mom enjoy such first.. she denied...

I love my family.. I should be nicer... and I guess.. being at work and all I guess.. I'm beginning to treasure my family like... how those NS men do.

Love you parents...and sister...

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 61

The midnight is in here and Im shouting in joy for tomorrow.

Finally... I'm getting my hair done.

I gonna be damn cool like those Kpop star nigga look like Lee Jongsuk and rock the world. I do know how brilliant i look when I get my hair done so... I am pretty much excited..

This morning... I moved my heavy body when it was like 8:30.

I really wasn't in the mood for football. My legs were too heavy.. and being injured from yesterday's match.. I thot that I should give my leg a rest. However though... I still thought.. I should attend the training.

I packed my bag.. and left home asap so I wouldn't think twice. Reached the center like a minute or two later than 10 am. However, there was nobody there like any other days. After they started collecting members for February, there were nobody coming in the morning time.. That was actually a boost and a great thing for me. I could uphill my stamina and plus that.. it was more like one on one lesson with him while paying a group lesson fee.

I felt my shin pain since yesterday. It was not just today but I had always felt pain when playing football. I thought it was some kind of injury or I was doing the wrong kind of warming ups. I asked coach and he didn't know either and introduced me to a hospital that he used to go. It was some university clinic so I expected it to be super expensive .. and thought that I should go really when I keep feeling the pain. Luckily. the painfulness got much better along the way.

Finished an hour of training and had my another hour of individual training. Today's individual training.. I can say was somewhat ineffective. I didn't train hard..sweating.. Just walking around dribbling the ball.. and shooting. There were indeed parts that I had improved from the first time.. but I still had far to go.. That was actually proved from yesterday's football game with the Sunday football games.

Had a fulfilling lunch at the Korean buffet beside and rushed to the gym. Today.. I was supposed to get Scaling for my teeth after gymming. I was able to get discounts since I was 21. Gymmed for about two hours but didn't gym for my leg parts. I felt so happy that I had reason to skip the leg works. I was happy to do the leg works using machine but wasn't so willing to do running. I do not like running.. especially on the running machine. It makes me feel like I"m running for no aim.

Bathed and rushed home..

When I stepped out of the gym... The world that showed up to me... was WONDERLAND...

Snow came in the mid of February...

So beautiful..

I then left for home. It was slippery so I had to slow down..

Reached home and saw mom lying on the bed.

She was suffering from bad cold she got...

I felt sorry to bring her to the dentist with me.

She told me why not we go to the dentist on Thursday and I agreed.

Had a dinner and as sis was doing her things in her room..

me and mom in the master room... off the light and watched the TV. Mom loved watching the infinite series' recent episode that stars all those singers in the 90s and sing in the stage. Mom loved this singer Kim Kun Mo. He was mom's favourite of all time. She laid back and watched... and mumbled...how would she wish ... to get a concert ticket of him... Then I thought... ha.... that singer.. she likes so much.. can't sing for life.. His concert... you wouldn't know when he would stop singing.. It might be too late when I want to spend my money to buy her the ticket if the singer isn't performing anymore... Fillial piety has to come.. right now... not tomorrow..

And now... I'm here typing my story of the day and searching for the hairstyles I wanted to get. I want to have Lee Jongsuk hairstyle. He is my big time idol and I wan be like him put on headset and read other people's mind.

Hope I can have such satisfying one tomorrow!

Goodnight!

Midnight in Suwon - Day 60

Hello midnight in Suwon.

The 60th day is here and I feel.. time do fly fast..

Last night... I finally had a such great alone night time... where I was the only one awake in the room at night..  I quickly began watching Misaeng Ep2 on TV's VOD. I couldn't watch this with anyone disturbing.. I need full focus to be in the scene.. and feel the main character... of how he suffers as he goes through his working life... And sympathize myself with the main character, Jang Gre.. who often get scolded from the boss...

I couldn't watch for long as I was really tired the last night.

I woke up in the morning earlier than any others. Woke up when it was like 8:30 in the morning. Waking up earlier than others,.. the diligence ... began to be accustomed to my body.. There were two things I had to do today. Going to the Sunday morning football team and to go to church. I used phone to reply to all the messages. All the birthday messages.

I moved myself when it was 9, to go for the football game. I wasn't sure whether they were still playing at the venue, as when I had visited the venue few weeks ago, they weren't playing there. They usually change the venue when its winter season, as its too cold. Moving my bike to the venue which is the primary school, I thought like should I just go home and contact the other club that I had contacted few weeks ago? That team I contacted were like a strongly built team and they had matches regularly every week and had won trophies in some tournaments. As they usually played at evening time, I thought that I can go to church service too. When I reached the venue.. there were a few cars. When there are cars in front the school, it meant that they were there. However, I couldn't see anybody in the school, playing. I was about to move back home.. then suddenly, one uncle opened the car door to say hi. He was the chairperson of the team. He was the guy always being so friendly when I went to the team during holidays when I was in Korea. The team is made of 40s to 70s. There were no kids. I was the youngest of all of them.

He told me that they were staying in the car first as the others haven't reached and was so cold outside. He asked me to get in the car and I waited in the car for the others. There were like three people already in the car. The great thing about coming here is that as they are all like of my father's age.. they treat me quite nicely although I always am burden to the team.. not playing well.

As we got into the school.. they began taking out their drinks and food as usual. This group being focus on more to friendliness than winning... people love gathering more for drinking than football. They took out their cooking gears and started boiling water. They bought 4kg of oysters. And they bought like one box of raw rice wine, Makgeoli, and Raspberry wine. They suggested that I drink as I'm finally legal. I don't know how they even play when they get so dizzy as that. We played a short mini game as only like 15 people came. As we were playing.. people praised me that I got better as I got older. I do know I sucked big time before.. so the differences were distinct.

However, still I still wasn't good enough. I made a several pass misses and they were all still better than I did. Although I had better stamina and speed... I still couldn't pass properly on match occasions.

A while later, another team came to our venue to suggest we have a friendly. We accepted the challenge and played 11 a-side. They were busy talking bout their tactics and strategy and we were busy drinking and eating. When we got on the field, the chairman told us to just stand at wherever we want to stand. I stood at the right back and there were like three Right Backs. As I was the youngest, I just moved myself to other position. Played Center Midfield and I was quite satisfied to play here. There were more touches I could made on playing in the center. If i played in the right. I could only get the ball when the opponent attacks to that side. But this time.. all the attacks went pass through me.. so I was able to make a several touches. Although I missed at times.. I made some great chances.

Match ended as 2-2 and I was really unsatisfied. I played right back for the second half but wasn't as happy to be playing. My play overall was totally unsatisfactory as I had made several misses. It was true that the people I pass couldn't get my pass as they can't run fast but it was still my fault passing that way.

Got home and my knee was bleeding. I had to walk with a slight limp as my shin hit hard on the opponent while I was trying to clear the ball away.

Had a heavy lunch after playing so fun.. and we all headed to sauna. Spent like 3-4 hours there and got home.. Had dinner and now I'm here typing my 60th day in here..

I need to get more mature... to be more mature in family... and also to find a way to go to church next week. Praying only because I need sth isn't right..

I should find ways...

Goodnight..

Midnight in Suwon - Day 59

Day 59 today... and can call it a special day if I can say a birthday is a special day.

Woke up in the morning with mom's sudden call. I was so tired yesterday that I just fell asleep forgetting to set the alarm clock. When I woke up, it was like 7:30 in the morning. Luckily, it was the time that I was supposed to wake up. Gym only opened at 9am on weekends so I didn't have to go gym before work. Quickly washed my hair, had an apple for breakfast and I headed for work. Not having to bathe and waking up so late and in a rush.. I felt like something was missing as I was going... like hmm the preparedness..

Reached work hoping that I will do my best still whatever the feeling I had. And prayed to God.. to give me more troubles today... more mistakes... as I'm not afraid to get criticized ... but more than happy to learn from the mistakes that I make.

Reached work... and began with getting scolds from the boss. Just from then on... I guess somewhat... I was dispirited... Maybe.. this was the time I lost ... the three Ks.. Keep that right heart.. Keep that hardworking mind... and keep that smiles on...

Although my brain forces me to forget what had happened.. My body remembers... The kind of scolds that he gave me yesterday kinda made me to block away from him.. like avoiding to talk to him. From then on.. whenever he talked to me.. I knew he was coming with that face to scold me. I really didn't like it. I only showed face that I was listening and replied short yes yes yes. The problem came when I was pumping the air inside the roller. There is a barricade at the station to block the kids from coming in during the pumping time but I didn't like the idea of letting the kids stand outside while waiting for me to pump... Like... I wanted to let the kids play around freely... but things were different. The kids pulled my pump and the pump that was already damaged made sparks. and it was seen by the boss. He asked all the kids to leave the station and put on the barricade and talked to me, emphasizing how dangerous the situation was. This case was a real serious one and one that I should have apologized... but having to get scolded so often for all things... I kinda lost control... and things he said.. didn't come into my mind... I didn't even stand properly when he was talking. I kinda showed face that you were doing this agian. He told me to get the tape from the office and I went to get it. When I came back, he told me to go and get this pump changed with the other one at the other station. I brought the pump to change it with the other one and he followed me a little while later. He asked me where's the tape. I clearly remember he didn't tell me to tape it. Like... when I brought the tape to the station.. he asked me to just wait there and when he came back he asked me to go and change it with the one at the other station. He gave me the stare again as if I was doing work foolishly... Although I always had in mind of having the right attitude and smiles on... I really couldn't take it. I told him it's at my station and he told me to go and get it. I was kinda pissed off and walked away. He called me as I was walking but I didn't turn back... This pissed him off to and shouted at me. I began to realize the situation and got back and he began scolding vulgarities... He asked me to replace other guy at the other station to just hand over my job and asked me to do different station. Ha...

He came back to me a little while later to just tell me about the things I should be aware when handling that station. I apologized as soon as he ended talking. He cut my words as I was saying it saying that what was done is done. But I knew his personality is not like what was done is done. Unlike the other boss, who screams and scolds vulgar like kind of not hiding anything he got... this boss was the kind that tried to be nice showing he is different from the other boss. He saying he is cool about it only meant he still had it in his heart...

If this had happened a year ago,.. .I would have been shivering fidgeting and nervous throughout that I can't do anything.. But now I was different. Although I couldn't really like be normal like the other days.. treating the kids... I didn't really like had that scolding time in my head.. Like.. I was kind of okay with it and moved on. A while later.. the other boss came up to me and scolding vulgars too.. He told me if I want to quit I should just quit. And walked away a while later. A bit later on, the boss who scolded me came up to ask me to follow him. He asked my friend at the counter to give him his cigarette and walked out of the door. He brought me to the backstreet. I was kinda scared actually but believed in myself as I had been gymming faithfully these days. He lighted up his cigarette and began talking his words. Saying that the other boss who had higher authority told him to make me quit. This boss had already told the other boss about what had happened... like. so fast.. He then told me that he told the other boss not to make me quit as he doesn't want such to happen. And told me to get my focus back from next week and work better. Prove that I am changed... Telling me... I am to live in Korea from now... gotta change my mind.. gotta understand faster... and gotta get things done fast... The short conversation ended quick. I thought whether this was the time to apologize... but didn't feel like it was the time. Saying it that time...would only tell me forget it... He would see it insincere...

I got back to the office.. and the work just continued on. While the time was passing like that.. I heard someone calling the highest boss' name through the walke-talkie. I was kinda shocked. Shocked that someone calls his name so rudely like that. It was the higher peronnel from the company in charge of this exhibition. He had come down to the exhibition to check how the work was going on. He told our boss that why all the workers are passive about work not active and scolded the boss that all things are messed up and asked him to quickly report to him at the counter. From what I had heard from my friend who was at the counter.. he kinda scolded him F and all... Damn..

Having to hear this through the walkie-talkie.. I realized he is going to be damn angry.. I did know his anger would all come to us.. And especially having to cause this kind of trouble... I knew I was going to get .... ha.... ya..

Work ended and the boss told us we are going to have a meeting so expect to end work late. The meeting was simple. It was walking around the work place and him discussing again about the duties. Every single details. Considering how badly he got scolded from his boss... the way he talked to us was really in a nice manner though he was rash and used some vulgar along the way. When he ended the meeting... he called me up and told me he will see how I work from next week. But told me not to get dispirited. Never to get dispirited. He knew I was bright. He didn't want me to get dispirited. But damn I was confused man.. I answered him a short yes with a poker face and told me that I don't have balls to stand up and smile and talk. He said a man should shout out with smiles. He said people who want to scold wouldn't scold if the person you are scolding is smiling. But .... really what man.. he scold me last time when I was laughing when scolding me. I gave him the right smile. And he like wnated to slap me saying he is not at a mood to joke. I'm so confused..

I didn't say a single rebuttal and got home with my counter colleague. She is my interview mate. She told me about all things happened today. Hearing her. and the other friend who worked at different station.. a lot of things happened today actually. One got scolded as she was accused for hitting the kid... our boss got scolded... and I ignored my boss. and all... I was kind of not so in a good mood but on the way home.. talking to my interview mate my mood began to light up. She is such joyful person. She talks a lot.  Reached home... forgetting today was my birthday. Mom wanted the family to go out and have a meal but it was already 8:30 pm when I reached home. Too late to go out. Received all the happy birthday messages... Thank for every single of them...

And thank God.. for a birthday like this... where I learned so much.. in whatever way... especially that I'm still weak... still weak... to control myself....Still immature...

I should learn more... Thank God... I'm given chance to learn..

Thank you...for today...

and...

Goodnight...