Midnight in Suwon - Day 82

The 82nd night is coming..

In the morning.. I woke up after a dream.

A dream.. that was... Ha... sorry to say to any girls who may be reading this but bit pervertic.. I woke up hardly holding my breathe.

I quickly changed up to get ready for football..

It was already 9:14 when I woke up. I was supposed to leave home at that time.

I left without a goodbye..

Reached .. played two hours of football.. ate a lunch while talking to Jun on the phone.

Then I headed for gym.

Gymming for about an hour and a half.. I learned new drills today.

Left gym hurriedly as it was 3:40. I had to catch the movie at 4:05. alone.

I wanted to watch this 'Back To the Beginning'.

I promised myself yesterday that I wanted to do something new every single day.

And this.. watching movie.. although not that new.. but was something that made differences from the other days..

This movie.. was hmm somewhat at least better than that 50 shades of grey

At least.. this left me watching for the 2hours..

I didn't fall asleep.

It was about a man who created this time travel machine and kept going back to achieve what he wanted and in the end realising that leaving as how it should be is the best.

Let it be..

Let things be as how it is..

That's the wisdom of life..like how mother Mary had said..

When the movie ended.. carrying my bagpack.. I pondered again alone.. what should I do now..

I didn't want to go home.. that place where I had to eat in silence.. see phone in silence .. everything ..in silence..

I decided to go to the library and read books till the library closed at 10pm. For that time.. I just thought that was the best idea. I .. first went to the food court to fill my hungry stomach.. and I left a sms to mom that I will be back home late.

After a few minutes she called me back to ask me to come back.. as she want to talk to me.

She wanted to have some chat outside ..

I finished my dinner and I got back to the nearby bar.

On the way I was riding my bike to the bar... I thought... How do I become an adult.. by saying and telling people that I am 21 and that now I am an adult..? or by behaving like one..?... Seeing the others.. so understanding... and putting them down for their parents.. and thinking the so much things my parents had done for me. .. I was a jerk... I then thought.. ' I shouldn't make this conversation.. this talk.. a hard one for mom... I should..make this.. a conversation between the two.. not just hers.'

Mom had already made order..

She offered me a cup of soju but I rejected.

She wanted to talk about the few things that had been happening and what she was unhappy about.. there were few things I did not agree with her.. and I made some rebuttals... she asked me a few serious questions too... and I answered back them too...

What made the conversation pause..was when she said this.. She told me to save her... from this repetitive nerves breaking situation that had been repeating for the past few years.. but she also asked me to tell her how I am feeling about going back to Singapore..

I really couldn't answer.. She wanted honesty but her answer was fixed...

Saving her... she asking me to save her.. only meant that she wants a success from me in SG.. Meanwhile... she still asked me for an honesty.. My honesty... was that I am still unsure whether I can do well in sg. she asked me whether do I have the will to do well. but my answer was no. I do not have that confidence to tell her that I for sure can do well. Why? Because I've been saying that I can do well for all these time and haven't done it well all these time. How can I suddenly achieve a thing that I wasn't able to achieve for the past few years.. How can I say that I can succeed so blindly..

But yet.. telling her that I do not have full confidence.. would again.. be conflicting with what she had told me about saving her and all..

I was confused..and I hang there not talking for an hour.. She incited me for an answer.. but I hardly made an answer..

I slowly brought back about what she meant when she said save her.. and slowly talked...

Ha..

In the end.. she told me to book the ticket anytime I feel that I'm ready..

But.. I'm really ..ha.. I can only sigh about this situation..

I had just told her that I do not have confidence and I have to gain that confidence in just few days.. I haven't had this confidence for the past few years and she is asking me this..

Few days later.. mom would ask me again.. whether had I booked my flight and my answer would stay no. She would then go mad telling me why I haven't and my answer would be same that.. I do not have that full confidence to succeed. I haven't done it well for the past few years and how can I even afford to have that confidence...

Situation being so ambiguous like this.. I don't really know what to do..

Time is just passing..

so fast..

and I still..

am drifting in this sea of confusion..