Midnight in Suwon - Day 83

The 83rd night..

after the talk..

I do not know how I should react.

I'm just pondering in this ocean of confusion..

I don't get what mom's trying to say..

she told me to book the flight when I feel I'm ready.. and I was wondering what that is..

I told her that I do not have the confidence.. and now I'm asked to have that confidence... is ruthless of me to tell her to decide my own future. I couldn't choose..

She asked me staying in Korea and not wasting money in Sg is also an option but both of us are aware that going to Sg and doing what I am supposed to is the best option..

I left for football in the morning..

Got to the gym had two hours of gymming and i headed to the library in this raining weather..

I was all wet when I reached the library.. soaked in the dirty water.. I wiped off the rain using the tissue..

I used the computer at the cyber room to print the document mom had asked me too..

Then.. I dipped myself into thoughts again..

What should I say when I go home..

What kind of decision does mom want me to makee..

I don't want to lie that I'm convinced with myself for a success. I have been failing all these while and how can I so easily say that I can succeed.. I indeed am going to sg to do well in every aspect but I'm unsure still whether can I do well for my studies.. she wants me to have that strong will and that unyielding spirit.. How do i have that.. and how do i say that I have that... I haven't had it till now and I really do not have one.. How do I even lie...

Got back home.. and slowly began a conversation with mom.. bringing the story back to last Wednesday when the quarrel began.. and I told her all the things I wasn't happy about for her scolding me. I felt she wasn't right about scolding me for going out too often. That really wasn't rational. I only went out with friends twice for the past two months..and now that I had friends from work and I began to go out twice a week for the past two weeks. It just wasn't rational that I was going out too much. It's clear that I was going out more often compared to that two months time where I had only gone out twice.. but going out twice a week... isn't that much.. I argued all these... and in the end of the conversation... it just paused.. that I still do not know what's happening to me.. No conclusion again.. I can't lie.. that I do have strong faith in myself that I can do well.. I'm just going over in a mere hope.. that I can do well .. where do I even get that faith that I can do well..I've only been failing.. I forgot the taste of success... And... I don't understand why success or failure is only measured by one's grade or one's academic ability... Why isn't it based on a person's... personality... and characteristics... I feel that's the most important...

Conversation stood hanging from then.. and I still don't know what's to happen..

I can't make mom decide my life.. I decide my life..

Gotta think...

Goodnight..