Midnight in Suwon - Day 81

81st night..

the sad night.

really a sad night.

where are the lights in this deep darkness..

Can't see a way out and I don't know what I should do and what is right..

the silence that overwhelms the house.. and do not know how or what to break it..



Got up in the morning.. when it was like 8:30.

I wanted to get up early for Sunday morning football..

I was supposed to sleep early and attend the morning church service at 7 am and play football all the way. I had already woke up late. I checked the next service today and there was a serivce at 11 am. So i decided to go and play football first before attending the service.

When I reached.. there was nobody.. and only the cold wind blowing. It was 9:30 when I reached the field. I was told from the chairperson that the venue will be the Suji primary school but nobody was there..

I sat down at the bench and decided to wait for about 20-30 minutes as at times they reached late after a drink the last night.

Sitting down... thought of various stuff..

Last night.. Eun Sun asked me whether had I been into any relationship..

She told me she was just suddenly curious.

I told her I was .. and I asked her too..

She had been into various relationship like 6-7 times..

I tried to see why she had asked me that.

From what I can think.. I think is for her to know whether do I actually know or like getting a girlfriend. Because.. I was kind of ambiguous or dubious in talking to her.

I was supposed to meet her up.. Like we've been promising each other for a meet up since long ago.. However... as times passed.. I guess.. instinctively .. and unconsciously.. I began developing feelings for her when I shouldn't be.. When I do know that I'm not ready for any girl.. and when I do know that I'm not suited for her.. Seeing through the chats.. I felt that I could have made her to misunderstand.. I had to fix the situation..

As Ji young and Yun ah the two other girls at work.. who were friends with Eun Sun told me to make an outing next week.. I asked Eun Sun first about the meet-up. She was thinking that only two of us,, eun sun and I will be meeting for the meet-up but I told her that this will be a group thing... She was seemingy like a little bit disappointed but tried to hide it. Ha.. even when i had chance to make it like just the both of us' meeting.. I tried to avoid it.. I need to fix the situation and the problem.. I need to stop from making her to misunderstand..  I can't make her .. fall into me.. and I can't let me fall for her..

And I guess.. that was why she asked whether I had any relationship experience. She wanted to see whether was I too shy to ask for a stead...  maybe she thought I had no any experience before..

Thinking of all such that happened the other night. time passed fast at the Suji primary school's bench. it became 9:40 yet there was nobody down there. I moved myself back to home. I didn't know what to do in this silent house.. I found myself weird... even just for standing in this house.. I left after thirty minutes.. Reached the school to see whether did they come and there wasn't anybody still.. I went to the other school . there was one school that were playing games in  a group. I brightly asked them whether can I join them. I doubted that they will reject me cos if I was one adult old enough.. I would accept those kids who are so passionate to play game.

So surprisingly.. I was rejected at one shot. He only replied me with one word NO. I was stunned and i just turned back..

I was angry..but more angry that I had no place to go..

Got back home.. had a breakfast and attened the church service..

It was about we following the God's way and not get deviated along the way because of the small things..

THen .. i straight away headed for gym and realized the gym was closed. I forgot that today was a public holiday. Sigh... I really didn't know where to go. If I had gone to some lanshop or movie mom would know I didn't go to the gym as she would for sure know that gym was closed today..

Not knowing what to do.. I headed back home..

Reached home.. and I do not know what I had done after that .

I only slept.. and woke up.. fought with sis.. and now I've been all the way in this room just using computer not doing much..

I don't know ...

I'm drifting..

My flights not booked..my house is not fixed.. i dont know what I should be doing to end this journey well..

I'm just drifting in this sea of confusion..

Help me..

Save me..

Goodnight..