http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajCYQL8ouqw
A day before the 50th day...
And feeling depressed..hmm somewhat... stressed I guess.. from the continuous meeting with people that are unavoidable... and facing a must face situation everyday.... ha... but gotta be strong.. not just saying by the words..
Woke up in the morning where nobody was up.. When I had woke up it was only about 4am. I was supposed to sleep till 5:30 am to eat breakfast and workout at gym. When I woke up at 4, I just went ahead for toilet and the first thought that came to me was whether should I check my phone to see whether she had replied.. But I chose not to...I kinda thought that it would be better to make my morning a brighter one.
Had another hour of sleep and woke up when it was around 5:45.. When I woke up, I off the alarm clock then thought... I do not know why but I just sat down on the bed and fell into a meditation... Why do I do this... For what do I do this.. Waking up in the morning... Reporting for work... All the unwanted actions... Why am I doing this... Every each time like those moments, the best remedy is to think of the near goal...like... imagining myself back to the field at IJ...
I didn't want to wake mom up.. She was deeply into sleep. I took out the cornflakes and had them and as I was having them, mom woke up. She asked why I didn't wake her up and she began frying eggs for me. I had them with two breads and I prepared myself to leave. It was one such day really really wouldn't want to take a single step out of the door due to its coldness. Today was colder than yesterday. And especially in the dawn like 6am... the kind of coldness was like really freezing cold... As I was taking out my bike... I thought of dad who still wasn't home.. Working outside and getting a short sleep outside not being at home for almost two days alr... thought how he would be suffering now... that made me move on... Thoughts like this... imaginations are actually being put into a good use..
After gymming, I left for work when it was 8. Dried my hair and I seemed fine. I felt fine too. Didn't feel bad at all. hhmm more like I was pretty much pleasant.. To have another great day at work.. and get to be closer with Eun Sun too.. When I reached, it was only 9:25. If I go earlier than time, I would be dismissed earlier than the usual time which is 6. That was unwanted as I wouldn't get to go home with Eun Sun who always leaves work at 6. I spent sometime at toilet and also used the time to top-up my transport card to kill the time.
When I reached, it was another working atmosphere here again... There are two different groups of people in work. One is those who are the typical Koreans, pretty and cold at times and the other group being the ones who may not be so pretty but hmm like pure in their heart or not so rough those kind. And usually, those who were in the latter group had an overseas experience. I felt more comfortable talking to the latter group either. Dealing with those pretty girls always made my heart beat..make me damn nervous that I always take out words that I didn't mean to say..
Was given work from boss as soon as I had changed up...
The only comment that I felt about work was that..hm... I myself felt small again... Maybe at times its the physical weakness I have that makes me feel small all the time. I always feel small in front of people who are tall or way bigger than me. That's been the complex of mine since long ago. I always get small in front them..
I'm really not good at comprehending something.. not good at understanding and getting the point quickly... Even during the soccer training I'm having now.. when the coach introduce a new strategy of trainings, I can't get them all at the first time. I need to see other people doing it twice thrice to get it.. It was the same case when I was in SG. Until now... I thought that I can't understand what people say quickly because I had communicated in English.. But having to work... in a role that requires various tasks... I realised how insufficient inefficient I am.. Is not the language that limits me... It's me.. Really me... I hate it.. really... why I always can't get what other people say like at one time.. Everytime I see my friends understand the instruction one at the time and showing me the ignoring or somewhat like ununderstandable face to me... I felt they were acting smart... I thought that grabbbing those thoughts at a time and coming up with ways to solve the problem weren't just my problem but just that they were good at it.. However it wasn't.. I was the one lacking in it.. I'm really slow in understanding... That's why I can't even get the point that is going on when people are talking...and can't do those shitty postures like arguing with people on what they think which is what I actually donot want to be but.. just feel stupid of myself for being so foolish...
People looked down on me for such and I felt it... It happend quite a lot of times today.. Boss talked to me why I can't understand fast and the new guy who came talked with the boss as if he knew all about human nature and saying those kind of people like me need to serve NS all.. But bro..youngsubbro.. don't be down with this.. I mean... you get scolded and making mistakes was what you actually wished. Because.. today's mistakes lead to tomorrow's better me... I'm indeed going to learn from it and you have to.. The attitude you take from now is crucial.. Whether will you be like the usual youngsub thinking that those other people who comment badly about you is the weird ones or would you accept their comments and work things out with opening ears and do your best with the right heart. The right heart... don't lose that.. The hardworking mind... have that... And with the smiles on you... don't lose that bright attitude...
Tomorrow is going to be another day at work.. Do your best for all. with this learning attitude. and please do not direct the anger or stress you get at work to the guiltless family... You gotta do your best be it all. Just for work you do your best but stay pleasant.. And about Eun Sun... don't rush... rush in relationship is always bad... leave it to time... although after tomorrow I might not be able to meet her anymore... leave it to God for it...
Goodnight...
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