Hi midnight.. after such an emotional day..where tears were flowing through the day.
Today woke up around 9am lazing out realising dad isn't around. Watched tv with mom and sis and as things got boring I moved to the other room to read the articles and talk to other people. Mom realised I wasn't in the room and she scolded me for using computer. From her doing this, I could realise that she wasn't on the right mood for today and I wasn't wrong, as she was having her period. I got back to the room and join the family watching TV. Mom just do not like the idea of people using computer and smartphones when she does them pretty often. She tends to think what we do using phone and computer is often unnecessary. Although she could be right considering how I used the gadgets in Sg, the usage of computer and smartphones in Korea was different from how I used them previously. That explains why I was crossed as a bear.
Skipped breakfast as mom was lazy and ate an early lunch around 11am. Even when we were watching tv and talking, I kept thinking where I should go. I wasn't comfortable staying the whole day at home with family. Now, I can no longer fit in to this place. I realised, I've been too habituated to living alone. I can no longer stay with other people under a roof, displaying the whole of me, for the whole day, and doing almost everything throughout the day. I thought that I should leave home around 2pm to catch the musical that I planned to go today. I was supposed to meet Jun today but it was cancelled off so I had to find things to do for today. The musical was screened for free by one of the youths troupe in Korea.
As soon as 2pm came, I began putting on my clothes and thought what I should tell mom to leave. I didn't want to tell mom that I was going out to watch the musical. I was afraid again, by the face of past experiences. I was afraid she is going to call it fake...and put me down again. I decided to lie to her... to protect myself. I told her that I was leaving home to exercise again. She didn't seem to believe me as I used that excuse for quite a time already and she was suspecting me. However, there was nothing that she did to keep me home. I am a grown adult.
I took the bus to the center and as soon as I entered the lobby of the center, I began to feel the presence of myself in front of a theater. There was hundreds of people queuing to get in. I quickly got the brouchures and a questionnaire to enter the theatre.
I took a seat at the last row of the seats worrying that I might get attention from others that I came alone. I took a seat beside two kids who seemed to be a primary school student. They giggled at each other throughout the show and did not bother me at all. As I was waiting for the show, closing my eyes under this dark place where all the lights were off to wait for the show to start, I fell onto the memories of my musical experience. How we prepared just for that 20 minutes of performance.. how I practiced at home when others did not see... practicing the musical under the state of mind of being blank minded for the promos... but giving all out for that show on the day itself... crazily...
How I was feeling at this time where I was waiting for our entrance... under a silence and under the dark background...
The first actor entered.... second...the next.. entered...as the actors came in, saying their lines, standing on the spotlight making their presence known.... I saw myself on the stage..doing my lines...all the memories... flipped through in my mind...that hit my nerves..and I burst into tears..when the musical just began... Yes.. I was craving for this... I was craving for this musical that hit the highlight of my last stage of teen. Attracting the audience with a gesture, dancing and singing... I misssed that so much... and being at my twenties. I felt old seeing those teenagers performing and thinking that there wouldn't be a chance to stand on that stage as a teenage performer showing my potential to the audience. Those performance that I will be doing from now if I do get a chance would be more to proving the worth of the tickets audience paid, but not a place where children show off their talents and get praises. There are things..that a person would never do again when time passes...
Seeing them perform...At first, I thought of going for the performance under a jealous thought of seeing how they can be better than how I did for my musical. However,, as the show started and they performed...my thoughts were more into a hope for shouts and claps from the audience..and hoping that they would perform well in front of this crowds and gain the confidence from this performance..as this could be a life changing experience for them...
It was a story of teenagers who were not allowed to do things they want like dancing and finally getting their allowance from teacher to perform and dance. Watching a show of an hour's duration, impressed me and I was already into tears... remembering myself.. two years ago...
As soon as the show ended, I rushed home as I could see there were so many missed calls from dad and mom. I rushed back and headed to a bbq restaurant as they were there having dinner. Had a dinner and managed to hide where I went to from parents. As we were going back home, mom seemed to be uncomfortable. At first, I thought it was sis and I quarreled. However, it was not the face of her being angry but more like under a uncontrollable pain. She kept bending down and said that she was feeling nauseous. Dad left to get medicine for her and the rest of us watched TV at home.
A day ends like this..and it's already 10pm. Having such a treasurable experience today..
Youngsub..there are things that you won't be able to do when you grow old... But this gives another learning today... You are still at your twenties.. You could have missed out your last 20 years not realising who you are and not knowing how you should behave and missing the things you are supposed to do be it pleasure or studeis during those years. The only thing you have to do and know is to behave like how you should be for a 21 year old, act like a 21 year old, talk like 21 year old and do things that a 21 year old is supposed to do...And do not miss out things you can only do when you were 21...
Fighting.
Goodnight...
p.s. my Performance of musical in SG in 2014 (auntie role)
Part 1.
Part 2.
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