Hi midnight..
Another midnight on a Sunday night here in Suwon..
Snows.. dropping from the sky filling up the dark colors on the street... Brightens up the night of the city. Snows falling down from the sky, always make my heart flutter... It doesn't matter how old I am.. Seeing the white city of the town, it whitens my heart too..
Woke up early in the moring about 8. It was an early time considering I had slept around 2am the last night. Had such a heavy dinner the last night, I had to take time to digest the food and force myself for a sleep. Even when I was up in the morning, I had nothing much to do for the day. I had no work, I wasn't allowed for church by mom, and I didn't know whether there was Sunday league football today as the weather was pretty cold. Lazed out all the way till mom and dad left for my aunt's birthday party. Sis and I were left alone home and I was asked to cook lunch for her. It was pretty simple, as mom cooked rice and soup the last night and all I had to is to boil them and ask sis to set up the table. After eating one bowl of rice, we decided to eat further by like boiling two noodles and even managed to finish that. Hana eats really a lot.
When mom came back, it was about four, and I had to leave for gym. I was pretty lazy to leave home as it was too far and outside was always cold in winter. However, I can't be lazy. I shouldn't be. I paid for it. Reluctantly wore on my jackets and headed for gym. As soon as the door is closed after bidding farewell to mom, as soon as I get to face the winter's wind, I am a different person. No longer the kid at home, who acts like a child and talks like a child. Then I thought, maybe the reason why I avoid showing who I am outside to parents is because I am so different when I'm with parents and friends. The way I talk, walk, and beahve all different. Maybe... that is why I avoid... Thinking of Hana always bringing her friends home and interacting with mom, I realised the reason behind was that she was the same home and outside. One lesson that I had known for such long time yet not putting into practice.. It has got to come into a real deal where I quit behaving like a child. Really..
Had about 2hours of gym and left for home. I was home and dinner time came so soon. Although I was quite determined not to be a kid anymore before entering the door, it wasn't easy. "Mama I'm homeeee". The habit I've been having for so long is really a hard one to change.
This behaviour most probably started when I was hmm around at the end of Sec 3. I had a thought that time that I am no longer cute or no longer charming to my parents. Even looking at myself, I was no longer small like those children and kids who get love from their parents. I guess that was the time I began behaving like those child ...trying to not disappoint(?) my parents that I am grown-up. I thought that time that trying to make myself behave like child was the way to let parents not be annoyed by me or sth like that... That is lasting till now...
When we all were talking during meal, mom and dad kept emphasized in any conversation I brought up that Hana was such a deep-inside person. I just kept silent... She had an indirect intention to compare me with her.. as she usually does.. There were really several criticisms I got tonight... Like this is one of the reason I do not like talking to mom because she faces everything into reality and breaks a conversation with a negativisms. I told her that I love my job teaching kids and she suddenly started saying by how much a family needs to earn a month to make a living for a family of four people. She was trying to say that I can't love this job. I can't do this job for life. I can't be a kindergarten teacher. Well I myself do not have an intention to become a kindergarten teacher too.. I just needed someone to tell my feelings and lead up to my conclusion that I do not want to be a kindergarten teacher like how I'd thought the previous night. I just needed..someone to talk to. I really am not going to open up to my family.. I hope I won't anymore.. The more I try to open the more I get hurt from it by the face of negative mindsets.
I came back to my room to use computer after dinner. Using computer.. watching tv, all seemed meaningless to me. I was merely staring at the screen blankly. I wasn't enjoying it.. Then I thought what I would love to do.. what would excite me... The answer was clear. The answer was to play football..but what came more appealing to me was going for work. Going for work.. interact with the kids I love everyday, talk to the co-workers.. have some conversations..gain friends... But gaining friends in an intention of getting a girlfriend is indeed different. Its indeed not the right time... I can never justify myself that I am an adult and get a girlfriend. It hasn't even been long to recover from my previous relaionship's pains...but more than this.. I myself ain't ready for relationship. Even when I was in for my first relationship, which is the previous one, I wasn't ready for relationship. I was just a boy looking at the mirror all the time, only pursuiting for other people's recognition. I ... indeed am not ready... It's not the right time too.. THis time of my life can be the most important time for me... Going to new school. Failing in here could mean there is no other ways out... and ... more than anything. I would forget to recover from previous failures. I would just be a person who is used to the pain for failure and forget the sufferings of the failures... Emotionally I am not ready too.. as a Person I m not ready too.. As a student I ain't ready too... There are relationships that I need to get it right before I move on too...
It's going 12am in the midnight and the night in my heart is dark. Waiting for the lighthouse that can brighten up my heart... not a girl, not a success but.. the pure happiness.. from purely myself...
Goodnight...
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